This is what I promise will happen in the next few days. After 'a staffer' accidentally uploaded a stupendously racist video with DJT's personal watermark only 48 hours after the publication of the second tranche of the Epstein documents, I predict that...
with no warning Trump's face will start to get sculpted on Mount Rushmore leading to widespread condemnation yadda yadda yadda,
followed by
the US will attack Iran (the Democratic Party Central Committee meets to discuss an appropriate response),
the US will invade Barbados,
Trump will nominate Steven Segal and Quentin Tarantino as co-Ministers of Culture,
he will casually muse during a speech whether slavery wasn't that bad ater all (some learned historians will duly discuss his claim at length),
Trump launches the Talk to Daddy scheme whereby you can contact him directly – prices start a very reasonable 149 Dollars for a three-minute recorded audio message,
then women will lose the right to vote (the Democratic Party Central Committee meets to discuss an appropriate response),
Dennis Rodman becomes the US ambassador to North Korea,
Maduro will reveal that, yes, he masterminded the theft of the 2020 presidential election,
Trump will decree that Yom Kippour is a US national holiday,
he will joke that Queen Elisabeth had sex with a horse (Keir Starmer will offer a strongly worded rebuffal to The Times),
an attempt will be made on the life of Bruce Springsteen,
an attempt will be made on the life of Bruce Springsteen's children,
Robert de Niro,
Jane Fonda,
AOC,
AOC's parents,
AOC's dog,
Jennifer Lopez, Susan Sarandon,
Kamala Harris's mother in India,
Pete Buttigieg,
Emilylou Harris, Bonnie Raitt, the (former Dixie) Chicks,
George Takei,
Julia Robert, Dolly Parton,
Susanne Vega, Billie Eilish's brother,
Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Hanks, Bad Bunny, George Clooney, Matt Groening, Stormy Daniels, Stevie Wonder, John Legend, Green Day, Ricky Martin's children, Di Caprio, Harrison Ford, Taylor Swift, Spike Lee, the entire cast of 'friends' -not the entire cast of 'friends'!!!!-, leading a number of artists to flee the US,
Trump will announce that prisoners will be shipped out to Argentinian prisons (as soon as they are built by the Trump company),
Cosby will be pardoned,
after he shits himself on camera a number of doctors will explain that it's a perfectly healthy to do and better out than in eh,
Jayzee will spontaneously offer Trump half of his money,
the White House will be renamed the Supreme Donald J Trump Residence (all media to go by this guidelinefro now on),
Bezos will fund his 'trimestrial birthday' (Musk the second and Zuckerberg the third),
the Washington Post will replace of its journalists by Grok-produced articles,
the Whi- the Supreme Donald J Trump Residence will host cage fights (-Reader's voice: actually that's already been announced)
Weinstein will be pardoned,
Puff Daddy will be pardoned,
50 Cent will also emigrate,
a handicaped vegetarian gay muslim feminist liberal teacher immigrant will spectacularly try to assassinate Trump - only to be foiled and shot dead by his bodyguards (phew),
the Library of Congress will destroy all books by Jimmy Baldwin, Maya Angelou, Whitman, Steinbeck, Frederic Douglass, Langston Hughes, Vonnegut, Faulkner, (they will miss Toni Morrison after looking in vain for one 'Tony' Morrison), Russell Banks, Colson Whitehead, Mark Twain, John Irving, Chandler, Coraghessan Boyle, Phil K Dick, Bradbury, Stephen King, Robert Frost,
the FBI will leak utterly damning documents by mistake (oops),
but never mind that since 2 days later, strange tapes showing Obama having sex with (to be decided in due time) will appear on the Net,
the legal age will be lowered to 12,
fireworks will be deregulated and made available to everyone,
RFK jr and Dr Oz (sic) will advise teenagers to experiment with alcohol as a valuable social lubricant and slash its price by 200% to support the great US spirits industry,
the FBI headquarters will be sadly mistaken for a Palestinian wedding party by a drone with nucular bombs piloted by a handicaped vegetarian gay muslim feminist conscript who – the inquest will reveal – had being given the key by an agent of the Deep State, the Antifa, and this mysterious newly formed 'Woke Army' – exit the FBI headquarter slash entire archives,
teen beauty pageants will be started in every school, the infrastructure of which will be managed by Palantir with Kimbal Musk at its head,
Trump will impose a 127% tariff on the State of Hawai just because,
Melania will show her arse in 'Melania''s sequel but still nobody won't go and watch it,
'the dukes of Hazard' will be resurrected by Brett Rattner starring Sydney Sweeney (spell?) and Kelsey Grammer (soundtrack by Guns n Roses, Brian Setzer, Kid Rock, Puff Daddy, John Lydon, Ted Nugent),
newly named Transport Secretary of State Jared Kushner will announce the construction of a new transatlantic hub in Florida designed 'to take the weight off' NYC's airports, the complex will be built by new construction firm UpYoUS (owner: one J. Kushner)
Bret Easton Ellis will host Steve Bannon on his talk-show and declare him 'like, totally hott',
Trump will launch his personal sperm bank (starting price for a 5 drop sample: 50.000 Dollars),
English will become the only legal language in Texas, Nevada, New Mexico, California (not in Florida eh, because the Cuban community vote for him),
Zuckerberg will be put in charge of all US libraries (the Democratic Party Central Committee meets to discuss an appropriate response),
EnglishLit will be replaced by 'football' (please note 'football', not football as understood by 99% of the world) in college,
'Home Alone 2' – the complete version of course – will be made compulsory viewing at the start of each term at Primary School level,
against all odds Ivana Trump's clothing company - and lingerie line ! - will be awarded a contract for all school uniforms,
Trump will invite Musk to present his project for a revolutionary Quantum fuelled high-speed line linking Dallastexas to Miami to Jerusalem to EuroDisney to Budapest to Moscow to Beijing to Pyongpang to Calcutta to Marrakesh to Cape Town to Sydney (-to Sydney???) -only a few detais apparently remaining to be finalised,
finally the Central Committee of the Democratic party will start asking probing questions on its tiktok channel,
vaccination will be outlawed in 'fragile communities that need to be protected from its terrible side-effects',
Trump will recognise Farage as the real PM of the UK,
Trump will announce the UN is no longer welcome in NYC – off you go,
Trump will keep a delegation made of Ursula van Leyden, Emmanuel Macron, chancellor Merz, NATO chief Rutte and Graham Norton waiting all weekend in a Whit-in a Supreme Donald J Trump Residence corridor while he pops off for a round of golf in Florida,
Trump will insult France, the Dalai Lama, the Pope, Canada, Sweden, tulips, Norway, Sudan, Médecins sans Frontière, dying Joe Biden, Mexico, orphans, goat cheese, Senegal, Belgium, paraplegics, Joe Biden, UNESCO, left-handed people (who may or may not include Obama, Clinton and Bush), Mali, tennis, Obama, the homeless, sushi, cleaners, Joe Biden, librarians, Greenpeace, Greece, students, Joe Biden, your mum,
the Deftones will be sent-back-to-Mexico,
Neil Young can fuck off too (except he will have already moved back to Canada),
he will then ban Amnesty International,
Senator Elizabeth Warren will be rewarded for staying in the country with forced labour at a MacDonald's six days a week, (the Central Committee of the etc.)
Trump will nominate Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, Judge Judy, Steve Bannon and Peter Thiel in charge of Harvard, Stanford, Cornell, Brown and Yale Universities,
Trump will start sporting pink contoured circles on his cheeks with a solid raven black quiff to complement his orange facemud,
he will no longer show his right hand,
(Barron now attends all cabinet meetings,)
Putin will publicly declare that he is very cross with him oh yes he is,
Xi will also declare he is a very naughty boy and invite him for a State visit all expenses paid,
stunningly detailed video UFO sightings will multiply: is this the end of the world???
presidential forces will arrest California governor Newssom,
leading to mass unrest and the unfortunate but necessary establishment of martial law – et voilà, problem solved.
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