Disgraceful LugubrusVanThi reflects on
“The
Irishman” (Marty's latest before the next).
The
setting: Noo York, the fifties. A juke-box plays something by Frankie
Valli. You don't make music like that anymore.
Snake
looking Joe Pesci addresses De Niro (for it is he): “Come 'ere son,
looks like you're the
man...”
(pregnant pause)
De
Niro, without moving a facial muscle: “Huh.”
Joe
Pesci tilts his shaded glasses to look him in the eye: “You may
want to show it to me.”
Silence.
De
Niro, without moving a facial muscle: “Show it...”
Snake
looking Joe Pesci: “Yes.”
De
Niro stuffs his fists inside his pockets in order to justify his
wages. Looks slightly thoughtful, thinks about lighting up but
remembers this is the twenty-first century De Niro. Waits.
Joe
Pesci: “To me.”
A
penguin clothed waiter just about slips in the background, regains
his balance.
Joe
Pesci: “I have this
friend,
see … he's got this problem...”
De
Niro goes and whacks
your man.
Joe
Pesci: “Good work. Here, have some Parma ham. Just like your mama
served it every Sunday with risotto, cannelloni, Ginebra Bellucci,
panettone, antipasti, coffee and ch-i-anti.”
De
Niro: “I'm Irish.”
Joe
Pesci's dame
lights up. De Niro's dame
lights up. They talk shop (necklaces, freezers, pastel throws, Shandy
vs. Prosecco, thirty-inch TVs, thieving pantry girls that need to be
taught a lesson).
Enters
doughy Jesse Plemons, looking a bit bemused: “Eh, Da, here comes Al
Pacino”
Al
Pacino, shouting: “Cocksuckers! Don't they know who I am?? I am
Jimmy fuckin' Hoffa that's who!!”
Black guy appears: "Oops, sorry, wrong film!" Exits.
Black guy appears: "Oops, sorry, wrong film!" Exits.
In
the background, the Four Tops are singing about love. A dove cries.
Nice shot of a classic car cruising by (the carburetor has been
changed).
Snake
looking sexgod Harvey Keitel beckons De Niro over: “'ere, Rodney,
our
friend here
told me about you...”
De
Niro, without moving a facial muscle: dramatic pause.
Sexgod
Harvey Keitel lights a cigarette, doesn't bother taking his shades
off.
“I hear you paint houses...”
De
Niro: “and I do my own carpentry.”
Joe
Pesci whispers something in Harvey's ear. Harvey wipes his ear with a
pale lavender silk handkerchief. “There is this friend
of ours,
yes...?”
De
Niro waits.
Harvey
lights up a second cigarette, half-lifts his dry Martini. “You may
want to pay him a visit...”
De
Niro goes and whacks
your man.
Joe
Pesci: “That was well sound that our kid, the big man was highly
impressed; 'ere, have some Gorgonzola cheese, like the one yo granny
cooked for Holy Communion, Gawd bless 'er cotton socks.” (Crosses
himself and hopes to die.)
They
go on a trip.
Al
Pacino, shouting: “Cocksuckers! All I am is a Union man! A Union
man! The motherfuckers 'better not mess with me: I am Jimmy fuckin'
Hoffa and don't you forget it!”
Joe
Pesci's dame
asks if they are there yet – but the fillum is only thirty minutes
gone. She lights one up furiously.
Al
Pacino, shouting: “Attica! Attica! I want some motherfuckin'
respect, me! What do they think this is? A comedy??”
Dino
"Sweet Jugs" Pantolino: "I resent your reductionist
rhetorical barbs, they do not encompass the vibrant
Italian-American experience.”
“And
they are offensive."
Doughy
Jesse Plemons, looking a bit bemused: “'Ere, Pa, should I go for a
drive...?”
Joe
Pesci: “You do that son, you do that and while you're at it, ask
your man why he hasn't put on the 'Stones yet!”
Marty
fires your man in charge of the soundtrack.
De
Niro repairs home for a change. Happens upon his family, hears about
his daughter. Charges
-as much as De Niro can charge- to the greengrocer: “What's that I
hear? 'Been shoving my daughter huh? Been shoving her? I don't see
anyone else here who is shoving my daughter, you're the only one -
Take that motherfucker!” Whacks your man accordingly.
De
Niro's daughter, now twenty years older, glares at him in silent
reproach.
Nice
shot of a Chevrolet or a Pontiac (one or the other – maybe a
General Motor?). Birds take off from slowly balding trees and
land on water, time passes, JFK gets elected, your bases are belong
to us. De Niro and Pacino are in their PJs and preparing for bed
before an important meeting.
Al
Pacino, à
propos
of nothing: “I like steak.”
De
Niro: “I like steak too.”
Al
Pacino: “You see, Bobby -Wait a second, what's your name again in
this one?”
De
Niro: “I am the Irishman.”
Al
Pacino: “Ah that's right – You see Bobby, a good steak is like a
fine pussy with a good cigar, you want to enjoy it like Nature
intended you to.”
De
Niro: “You want me to go and whack a butcher?”
Al
Pacino: “No need, no need my friend, I'm Jimmy Hoffa, I can do
whatever I want! See, I can just pick this phone and order room
service! I'm Jimmy Hoffa!”
De
Niro: “Now then, now then Jim, you can't possibly”
Al
Pacino: “This is the greatest country in the world!”
De
Niro: “Jimmy, Jimmy, I'm trying to tell you something here, the
hospitality
industry
trade union, you don't want to”
Al
Pacino: “Watch me! All I have to do is pick up this phone and...
Allo? Allo? Wake up motherfucker and pick up the fuckin' -That's
better, now listen you dopey Spango motherfucker: Bring up two medium
rare well cooked steaks with gravy on the side, one helping of kettle
chips (cheese and onion or failing that, salt 'n vinegar) and a
turnip! Pronto!!”
Hangs
up, checks himself, picks up again: “I forgot: cocksuckers!”
Joe
Pesci clasps his hands: “Mamma mia. That does it.”
Goes
and talks behind his bejewelled hand to mysterious Harvey Keitel at a
Tony Bennet show. Forty-something Sinatra is shagging a teenage Mia
Farrow on a sofa behind.
Mysterious
Harvey Keitel looks at De Niro. De Niro looks at Harvey. Joe Pesci
looks at them in succession. Thoughtfully fingers he a ten-carat
diamond on his pinky – it ain't going to end well...
Cut
to the lake (where birds land). Fast-forward to the retirement home.
Flash-back to the joint.
Martha and the Vandelas are working the crowd. It's a tough gig, what
with the pompadoured punters pigging on steaks and cigars.
De
Niro's daughter: “If a falling tree chooses not to make any noise
when falling inside the urban
jungle,
will the heavyweight
stalwart hard-hitters
take notice?”
De
Niro attempts a pained expression. Gives up after two seconds. He
misses the goold old times when he just lit up to fill screen-time.
Jesse
Plemons stumbles in, scopes around, looks slightly stupefied.
Al
Pacino, shouting: “Motherfuckers! Think that I'm scared? I've got
fiiiles
on you cocksuckers, files!
All the way to Philly
and back!”
Joe
Pesci: “Hold it for a second Danny “Jowls” Carbonato and “Big
Pants” Joe Scagliatti, our
friends
in Florida are getting worried...”
De
Niro: whack.
Ray
Liotta: “All my life, I've wanted to be a gangster.”
Joe
Pesci's wife sighs exasperatedly and lights one up. Compares
gearboxes.
Iggy:
“Gimme danger...”
Your
woman: patience of a saint, dinner always on time, weekly visits to
confession, and you could always leave your front door open.
The
Queens of the Stone Age: “I wanna make it witchoo”
De
Niro: “Huh”. No facial muscle has been mistreated during the
shooting of this film.
Mysterious
Harvey Keitel: “You will go on a journey, you will meet a dark
handsome man, you will hand over the keys to the truck...”
Lorraine
Bracco: “What time's my scene?” I miss Lorraine Bracco.
JFK:
“Ask not you what you can for your country...”
Nelson
Muntz: “Ha ha!”
Thoughts
from above hit the people down below.
De
Niro: “Shhhoot. Toxic
masculinity
sure has a lot to answer for, dead
white males
and all, sister. Still eh, here's my message to you, you can stuff
any apology from me up your”
Jimmy
Hoffa: sleeps with the fishes.
The End.
The
Guardian: “a masterpiece. Scorsese's towering achievement.”
