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Hello,

here is the (nearly complete) contents of "The A to Z of Football Clichés" -minus the surreal illustrations.

I am enclosing here the link to the Am*zon download page where you can buy it legally -it's only about three Pounds. Should you wish to simply read the contents underneath, that's perfectly fine.

Thank you.

Introduction - A - B

“The A to Z of Football Clichés”

or the Loig (Logically Organised Index Generator) of Football Clichés

Copyright Loig Thivend 2014

Introduction that you won't read.

I was always alert to clichés, what they represent, how they work. Maybe because, as a non-native English speaker, I won't take the language for granted and will actually pay all the more attention to it. What a cliché does, it introduces verbal sequences and replaces thought processes with pre-digested automatisms. It allows the speaker to switch to coasting, so that he doesn't have to think too hard about what is under discussion : the cliché turns the topic into a foregone conclusion. Thanks to clichés, whatever issue is being supposedly argued doesn't need to be explored at all -it has already been sorted.

How you call something “colours” it, pre-judges it.               

Linguistic theorists like Saussure or Barthes talked at lengths about the signified (namely, the content) and the signifier (namely, its mode of expression). For someone straddling languages, images provide the perfect example of arbitrary (that is to say, non natural) relationships between these two elements. For example, it is not obvious that rain can be compared to cats and dogs when other languages offer radically different terms of comparison : it rains “spears” (hallebardes) in French. The field of clichés is a fertile, inventive one that allows for continual wonder.

A hugely important feature of clichés is their phatic nature, that is to say their part in establishing contact and sealing closeness between members of a conversation. With a cliché, the speaker and his / her co-locutor are agreed, they sing from the same sheet. The speaker doesn't have to define every term he will use, their meaning is already a given, it saves time for everyone. Please note that his has nothing to do with the veracity of the cliché (i.e. whether it is justified or not), what matters here is that it is eminently social and fulfils a bonding function.

Methodology-wise, a distinction had to be observed during the making of this work between general football expressions and supporters' own mythologies. In other words, between universal sayings that transcend allegiances and heavily referential in-jokes only meaningful to particular groups. A commentated compilation of distinct chants and sayings may constitute a future project.

Please note: the underlying spirit of this work was never meant to be sarcastic. The following expressions and automatic word associations are not necessarily pointed out in order to be sniggered at, hilarious as some may be. This work is a candid attempt at compiling as many active expressions as possible, regardless of their intrinsic qualities, ludicrousnness or veracity. What has been compiled is supposed to be the accepted, going lingo of the trade. If a novice were to try to get into the spirit of this football thing and pretend familiarity with the subject, these are the words that he ought to use.

In fact, these clichés may just a well be called “expressions”. Remember the early remark about vocabulary bias? Here is a perfect example : by referring to them as “clichés”, we automatically taint them with a lick of snobbery. Use the word “clichés”, and what goes through everyone's mind is :“Oh-but-I-for-one-know-better-than-to-use-these-idiotic-terms-don't-I!”

So call them “expressions” if this makes you feel better (translation : ...if these are word associations you routinely use!), for these truly are the tools resorted to by anyone commentating on a football match, be it on a professional or personal basis. Pretty much like with Shakespeare penned expressions (1), chances are that you and I make use of them without giving it two thoughts.

Finally, a warning: the following pages will uncover a certain amount of pettiness, not to say downright nastiness. As I embarked upon this project, I soon encountered an ethical obstacle that turned into a deontological conundrum: ...what to do with avowedly offensive statements?

Racist, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist... football supporters have been known to come up with their fair share of less than pleasant songs. Leeds supporters hailing the Yorkshire Ripper, Chelsea fans singing about the Busby Babes captain's dead body, Spurs followers “taunting” Sol Campbell, these are but a few in a great deal of notorious sickeners.

As a trained indexer and librarian, I am of the firm belief that there is proper, serious documentary work to be done here -but that may be for another day. My first, present concern was to keep this here compilation reasonably good humoured.

...Which doesn't mean that all of the following expressions are necessarily pleasant. As is in the nature of things, and increasingly in this volatile mass-media multi-audienced world, some readers are bound to find some of the quoted expressions offensive -and so do I in fact! So do I. I must therefore make it very clear that the views expressed thereafter are not meant to reflect mine; the aim of this project is to compile and sometime clear up football clichés, not to endorse them.

With this important caveat taken care of, let's kick off!

(1)   Here is a list of 50 everyday expressions, as compiled by The Independent : http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/william-shakespeares-450th-birthday-50-everyday-phrases-that-came-from-the-bard-9275254.html

A ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Acres of space” -where players find themselves in every now and then ...only to fluff their line or not get noticed by their team-mate with the ball.

“(Great) advert for the game” -mark of approval for an outstanding act of fair play. Rarely used.

”African teams” -used to be charitably described as being ”tactically naive”.

“(He has) all the time in the world (usually to shoot)”.

“All to play for” –phrase always ejaculated after a dramatic goal is scored that gets the losing team “right back in the match / in the chasing”. Mind you, one ought to be fairly sure that there was all to play for before as well.

“It's always nice to score” -usually followed by “...but what's most important is the three points.”

“We always knew we were in for a tough game” -we've been spanked and no mistake.

“(The ball was) always rising” -hmm, not sure about that. It has to land eventually.

“Aplomb” -how to finish with. Don't forget to incorrectly pronounce the final, silent “b”.

“(the) Arabs” -local nickname of Dundee United, with reference to their “sandy” pitch!

Argentina  -”Argentina is a team that likes to play football.”  As opposed to other football teams who secretly want to play cricket eh.

Arsenal -always try to walk in a goal / pass themselves to death / used to be “boring” / their goalkeeper “was at fault for that one” / have signed another Frenchman barely out of his teens. For more on this subject, check out “The I.T. Crowd” episode in which Mos gets to grip with football lingo (naturally “with hilarious consequences”).

“the most expensive season tickets in the Premier League” which is in fact wrong (it's Chelsea of course).

“Arsene knows” -It's beyond questioning. (the Arsene in question being Arsenal's long-standing French manager)

“Asking questions of defenders” -this one is rather endearing, as it brings up the image of shaved headed tattooed mayhem merchants walking up to defenders and asking them to name four countries whose name starts with “U”.

“At the end of the day” -they never mean the evening. Never.

Atletico Madrid -until recently, best known from always managing to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

“Atmospheric stadium” -old, falling to pieces.

“(the) Attendance (today is...)” -stadium P.A.s always give the day's attendance during the match, which in turn elicits a hearty round of applause. Just ...why??

“(gli) Azzurri” -nickname of the Italian national team (= the Blue ones).

B ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Back-pass” -danger danger! Often described as “hospital” or even “suicidal”. 

“Bad time to concede” -as if there were any good time to do so. Often referring to the final minutes of the first half.

“(the) Bafana Bafana” -score extra points in hispsters company by referring to the South Africa national team with its nickname …even though, apparently, the repetition is pure nonsense: “bafana” meaning “little boy”,“Bafana Bafana” therefore spells out...

“Bald Eagle” -distinguished looking Juventus -and Crystal Palace!- player Attilio Lombardo. He was bald.

Bale, Gareth -“sets off on a run”.

“(a) bang” -the usual way to come back with.

“Barça” -Barcelona. Barcelona famously refuse to feature advertising on their tops in order to preserve the purity of the shirt essetera, essetera, essetera. Except this is no longer true, and for a few years now. Another proud tradition bites the dust.

“the Barcodes” -nickname for Newcastle United ...although probably not to their liking.

“Bare bones “ -what teams get down to under the guidance of Harold Redknapp: “I'll tell you what Gary, we're down to our bare bones here; I'll need to speak to the chairman about it. “ Only kidding. The state of a team decimated by injuries, can happen to everyone.

“You can only beat what's in front of you“ -you don't say.

Beckenbauer, Franz -do refer to him as “the Kaiser” cos' that's -y'know- witty.

“Beckham Territory / Range” -zone of variable size situated anywhere between the half-way line and the box, where the goal-kick specialist will try to emulate l'Olympique Lyonnais's supremo Juninho. Beckham will, in turn, inspire Cristiano Ronaldo to try to emulate him (with frequent risible consequences).

Best -Premier League: “best in the world”; English supporters: “best in the world”; Pele: “genius”, Maradona: “better,” George: “best”.

“(He won't get a) better chance” -indicating a shocking miss.

“Better than their record indicates” -another entry in the dodgy mathematics department. In clear contradiction to “the league table never lies”.

“playing between the lines” -said of a intertextual minded player who doesn't spend ninety minutes standing next to his designated man-marker.

“Bid hijack” -similar to house gazumping, a permanent risk in inter-clubs negotiations. Often perpetrated by bigger -read : richer- clubs.

“Big (make yourself )” -no, not what you think. What goal-keepers do in order to block shots.

“For a big lad, he's good with his feet / he's got a good touch for a big lad”.

“Big Sam” -soccer manager Sam Allardyce.

Birthdays -commentators are fond of mentioning that a player will soon be celebrating his. Candid question: does it matter?

“the Blades” -Sheffield United.

“(name of player) bleeds (colour of club jersey)” -more often than not, he doesn't. Human beings all bleed red. In France, a player will be said to “have the looove for the shirt” ( = l'amour du maillot), which is just as disconcerting when you think about it.

“(so-and-so) bombs forward” -runs very fast.

“(name of club) bought the title” -accusation aimed at a club bought by a hugely rich businessman desirous to get a return on his lavish transfers investment: once Blackburn Rovers, now Chelsea and Manchester City.

“Bouncebackability” -the ability to bounce back.

“The boy (insert name here) 'done good” -in no way patronising -and grammatical incorrect- accolade awarded to grown-up man who is One Of Ours. “The boy Lineker 'done us proud again out there today.”

“breaks the deadlock” -what the scoring of a goal does.

“Brazil” -samba stars who bring colour to the World Cup. Are we still allowed to say “they have rhythm in their blood”? Always play with a smile on their face, bless them. … Except when the World Cup takes place in Brazil obviously.

Brighton and Albion -nicknamed ”the seagulls”. Because -you know- there are seagulls in Brighton...

“Brum” -Birmingham.

“If a Brazilian had done that, we’d be raving about it!” -but no Brazilian did.

“Build-up to” -pre-match period. Gets ever more ludicrous for the annual F.A. cup final.

“Business end of the season” -bizarre, all-encompassing, expression that may stress the importance of the current results in the final ranking up or make a point about their financial value -or may mean something else altogether. Sounds ponderous, though.

C - O

C ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(He's got a) can opening right foot” -may not be entirely genuine.

Cantona, Eric -”Eric the King” or “King Eric”; you may want to use the adjective “mercurial” to describe him; once called his friend Didier Deschamps a “water carrier” to describe his unsung hero contribution to the team, an accolade that most British opiniated commentators always misunderstand. Also came up with the quip “when the seagulls follow the trailer, it is because they think fish will be thrown into the sea” which, once again, British journalists still don't get ...or pretend not to.

“Carlos Kick-a-Ball” -expression of contempt towards foreign players who dare get bought by  English clubs and don't always turn out to be the new Cantona, Zola, Cristiano Ronaldo or Bergkamp.

“Cashley” -sarcastic nickname for Ashley Cole, often used by Arsenal supporters.

“Caught in two minds”

Celtic Park -“Heaven” ...according to Celtic FC supporters, that is.

“Mark of true champions” –picking up more points than your rivals usually does it. Employed to describe the art of painstakingly grinding out unglamorous results week in week out.

“Chelski” -sarcastic nickname for Chelsea FC alluding to the nationality of its sudden funds injection.

Chip -always “impudent”.

“City” -the use of this abbreviation may need to be explicited. For further explanation -and as with many other remarks pertaining to Manchester City- please refer to “United”.

“el Clasico” -the generally acknowledged biggest match in club football: Barcelona vs. Real Madrid.

“Form is temporary, class is permanent.”

“They try to be clever, trying to play football” -feel the contempt dripping down the seasoned hard man's crusty lips.

“Clock“ -what is “ticking”.

“Cleanly” -how a ball is sometimes struck (even if done so with dirty boots). The player may otherwise be accused of not “connecting” with it.

Clough, Brian -  “the best manager England never had”.

“los Colchoneros” -nickname of Atletico de Madrid = the “mattress makers”, a reference to their neighbourhood of origin.

“come-and-get-me plea” -issued by players in search of a transfer.

“Come out of their shells” -what teams do after a goal is scored and the deadlock is broken.

“(Their keeper doesn't like) coming for crosses” -one of the guaranteed remarks by any British commentator reporting on an international match. Give it maybe ten minutes tops and someone -usually Andy Townsend- will wisely opine “Oh I don't know, Clyde, their keeper looks a bit dodgy to me... 'doesn't look like he likes coming for crosses.“

“Commentator's curse” -get ready to see a player make a bad mess of things after having been praised by the commentator.

“Commitment” -What cannot be questioned. Often used as diplomatic endorsement for hopeless players who at least put themselves about, i.e. run around like headless chicken.

“There was contact” -for these fouls that can simply not be ignored.

“Contract rebel” -player who wants out.

“(...) could have scored that” -the commentator's ten year old son, the viewer's grandfather, Harry Redknapp's wife... The list is endless, but -pointedly- does not include the player guilty of a recent miss.

“Covered” -what the keeper had.

“Covered every blade of grass” -worked hard, put himself about, cf. “worked his socks off”.

“Couldn't have hit it any better” -consolation pat on the metaphorical shoulder of a player who has precisely failed to do so.

“Coup” -nothing political here, just a big name signing.

“Crisis” -series of bad results. A couple more, and the situation has now evolved to “full blown” status.

“Cross-cum-shot” -when a mis-hit cross manages to find its way into the net and the kicker claimed he always meant it.

Cruyff, Johan -never fail to mention his “turn”, an outrageous piece of skill that once allowed him to change direction to the bewilderment of the defender facing him. Oh, and a pretty nifty player and manager he was too -you may want to bring up the subject of soft drugs and hardcore pornography at this stage, what with him coming from the Netherlands and all, you know, wink wink nudge nudge.

“(He has a) cultured left foot” -this man is proficient at kicking a ball with his left foot rather than his right one.

“Cut from the same cloth” -somehow resembling.

Answer: “Their keeper doesn't like coming for crosses.”

D ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Damp squib” -game of poor quality.

“Daisy cutter” -that will be a pass.

Dalglish, Kenny -”King Kenny”. Arguably Liverpool's greatest player. (Doesn't hail from Liverpool.)

“Dark horses” -team operating under the radar that may surprise a lot of people and upset bigger names.

“(in this) day and age” -now.

“Daytrippers” -home supporters travelling from outside town and returning here once the match is finished. Not an appreciative epithet. When supporting a famous club such as Manchester United or Liverpool, also referred to as “glory hunters”. A telling sign of their abjection is their hoisting of megastore merchandise bags branded with the club logo (this is a big no-no). 

“Deceptively quick” -that's a perplexing one.

“Defence” -often attributed to a generally unnamed schoolboy, or  simply diabolical (copyright Alan Hansen).

“Denied by the woodwork” -hits the bar.

“Derisory and insulting” -typical offer made by one's rival club for one's player. A few millions added and the insult has been forgotten.

“Deviates from the script” -what a surprise goalscorer does.

“(the team) didn't deserve to lose” -a variation on “life's not fair”.

“(I) didn't see it” -Arsène Wenger's catch-phrase when asked to comment about a foul committed by one of his men.

“He'll be disappointed with that” -invariably uttered after a bad miss.

“Disrepute” -what the game is thrown into by inconsiderate actions or utterances.

“Dive” -unwelcome addition to the various activities included in the noble art of the “Beautiful Game”: the art of throwing oneself to the floor, more often than not inside the box. The list of players accused of indulging in such farce would be too long to include here and varies from club to club: Jurgen Klinsmann, Ashley Young, Frannie Lee, Didier Drogba, Arjen Robben, Michael Owen, Cristiano Ronaldo...

Domenech, Raymond -never fail to mention the former French manager's alleged interest in astrology.

“(they) don't like it up them” -an invitation to rough up the opposition. Recycled from the seemingly never to be retired “Dad's Army” television programme.

“(the) Dutch” (or Holland, or even the Netherlands to be more accurate) -often to be described as fighting amongst themselves hee hee. Either that or are “masters”, the two not being mutually exclusive.

E ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(the) Eagles” -Crystal Palace. Not to be confused with “the Super Eagles”: Nigeria.

“(...when it seemed) easier to score” -it's reality that ultimately matters, not appearances.

“Early bath” -what selfish luxury players sometime treat themselves to when they get bored of running around outside in shorts and accordingly decide to jump on an opponent's ankle in order to earn themselves a red card. See also “he had to go”, wistfully uttered with a shake of the head by. 

“Early Christmas present” -easy goal scored at the start of December.

“Early doors” -at an early stage of the game.

“Eat – my – goal” -may not be entirely genuine, but the product of comedian Steve Coogan.

“Effort” -often “tame”.

“End-to-end stuff” –normally used to describe a frantic game. A slight exaggeration one would suspect, as the action usually isn’t end-to-end, but more like a few shots from the inside of the pitch in a given amount of time. Always heard whenever the Big Four play each other.

England -useless at penalties.

“Engine (he's got a great)” -referring to a player's stamina rather than his choice of motorcar.

“and (name of stadium) erupts” -mercifully not. Think of the insurance premium.

Europa League -it has become de rigueur to look down on European football's second competition, the prospect of playing on a Thursday night in front of Five's cameras clearly being an intolerable affront to any English club's dignity. “Mickey Mouse Cup”, you say? Quite.

“Every game is a cup final now.” -no pressure, then. Rousing up call that could be misconstrued as the strange admission that, until now, other matches did not matter in their own right.

F ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“the fact of the matter is” -what other people than the commentator, in their infinite wisdom, unfailingly fail to perceive.

“(the new manager has done a) fantastic job down there” -he has done well. Category: language inflation.

“False security” -see, taking the lead may give the team in front a feeling of “false security”, the logical implication of this statement being that maybe they ought to concede...?

“Fax machine” -apparently still in use at football clubs, the unsung hero of deadline days. The fax machine allows for eleventh hour deals to be completed as the clock is ticking and the transfer window about to get slammed.

“(He's gonna) feel that one in the morning” -a player has been hurt. He's demonstrably feeling it already.

“Feeling each other out” -how two tentative teams behave towards each other.

“Fergie (Extra) Time” -reference to the legendary Man United manager's propensity to cajole assistant referees into awarding a generous amount of added time during which his team may just end up scoring.

“Fever pitch” -enthusiastic support for one's team. Title of a soccer themed novel.

“He's on fire at the moment” -thankfully not.

“Finish” -”clinical”.

“Five star” -very good.

“Flair” -what the French possess. There is unfortunately no English word for it.

“Flop” -disappointment.

“(the players) fluffed his lines when presented with a chance”

“Wembley folklore” -historical fact involving this stadium.

“Foot wrong, a” -what a player will hardly put. Sounds like he's practising the rumba.

“Football” -name often used for “soccer”. Friendly warning: do not ever utter the word “soccer” in the company of English footy fans, you will be instantly found out. No such person will ever use the correct term since, as everyone knows, football was invented in England and the name must therefore be fiercely upheld against these wily Americans.

“(He is a proper) football man, he loves his football” -well, one would hope so, otherwise he'd be in the wrong line of work. Interestingly though, not all footballers automatically are / do. Newcastle United's David Batty, for one, was known for not watching any match on the telly; Tottenham's Benoît Assou-Ekotto is allegedly not too bothered either.

“...Football Club” -when interviewed, professionals will always make a point of adding these two words to their club's name, in case we imagined they were alluding to Olympique Lyonnais Judo Club or Ajax Amsterdam Ping Pong Academy.

“(winning the) footrace” -for these times when the players don't ride their motorbike on the pitch.

“For me...” -start of many comments by pundit Alan Shearer: “For me Gary, the lad should have hit the target”. Sorry to break it to you “Al”, but the player doesn't play for you.

“(the) best form of defence is attack” – no it isn’t, the best form of defence is defence. Affix “ILLOGICAL” tag here.

“Wouldn't have been given as a foul in my days...” -seventies commentator getting nostalgic here.

“(the) Foxes” -nickname of Leicester City.

“Frozen out in transfer limbo” -how clubs treat the players who have issued a come-and-get-me-plea.

G ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(the) gaffer” -the manager.

“He's got to gamble here” -no he doesn't. He's here to play football.

“(No-one) gambled” -nobody tried to get on the end of a (misdirected) cross.

“Game of Two Halves” – Lest viewers should forget, commentators may be well advised to remind them that they will be treated to an additional 45 minutes of play after nipping off to the toilet during the half-time commercial break.

The game may be referred to as funny and old (“funny old game”) -not that anyone usually laughs at this stage., this expression is merely uttered to justify unexpected events.

The game may also be described as “beautiful” (“the beautiful game”) and -if in the UK- as “the national one”.

“(They) gave it all” -and now there's nothing left in them. Nothing.

“(so-and-so) gave him the eyebrows” -player A sends a visual signal to player B.

“Gazza” -Paul Gascoigne.

“Football is a gentleman's sport played by thugs and rugby a thug's sport played by gentlemen” -when you want to sound erudite and witty even though this aphorism has often proved to be a load of rank old bollix.

“the Geordies” -nickname for Newcastle United.

Germany -”Never write them off” which is, for once, entirely logical: one can’t.

The Germans are notoriously efficient -which is a bad thing. They are also supposed to be devoid of any sense of humour, but this may take us down another, not football related, path.

More to the point, they have a habit of -naturally efficiently and humourlessly- beating England at football -except of course during the 1966 World Cup Final (incidentally held in England) when England beat West Germany ha ha ha ha. Mandatory quote to proffer: “"Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins." (Gary Lineker)

You may also want to crowbar the adjective “Teutonic” in.

England fans are known to chant “One World Cup and two World Wars” at their German counterparts. German fans, in the other direction, have taken the “Three Lions On A Shirt” pop song to their heart and never miss an occasion to sing “football's coming home” to the intense annoyance of England fans who -er- don't get the joke.

“I don't get mad, I get even” -what England manager Glenn Hoddle once allegedly trumpeted, except he didn't. He was responding to a question during a press conference and the media collated the two sentences (from two different people) -cf. also the infamous “Crisis? What crisis?” or “Give us your focken money!” that most people, to this day, will swear to have heard with-their-own-ears.

“Gerrard and Lampard can't play together.” -and this is why successive England managers have fielded them together umpteen times, with predictable results.

“Given” -what the commentator has seen.  Often refers to possible penalty which the referee, in his best judgement, has made a decision not to award. The pundit is reminded of different matches, with different teams and different referees, in different circumstances and different stadiums, where different decisions were taken. The pundit feels compelled to let us know about them. 

“Giving the keeper no chance” -arguably this writer's most hated expression, refers to a striker's attitude towards the opposite goalkeeper. Would you believe it, it appears that most players, faced with a chance to score, don't choose to pause and signal where they intend to shoot.

“Gloryhunters” -recent supporters of succesful teams. Not the most appreciative of epithet. “Gloryhunters” tend to be less than popular with their own local-based supporters or, indeed, with visiting fans who never miss an occasion to taunt them with the popular chant  “where were you when you was shit?”. See “JCLs” for more details.

“Go forward” -what a player sometimes “just wants to (do)”.

Goal -what is “needed”. Goals are often said to “change (the complexion of the) game”, as pundit Alan Shearer is often on hand to remind viewers. “Goals win games”, so they do.

“God” -undeniably positive accolade given by supporters to some very special favourites of theirs. Worthy recipients of this easy-to-bear tag include Matt Le Tissier for Southampton, Robbie Fowler for Liverpool, or Eric Cantona for Manchester United.

“Going down” -easy, tiger. A foreign opponent will be said to “go down easily” under a challenge, something that the likes of John Terry and Steven Gerrard have always assured us no English player would ever do as they are too honest for that kind of behaviour which has no place in the modern game.

“Golden Balls” -David Beckham.

“Golden Generation” -a recent England team, apparently.

“les Gones” -nickname of l'Olympique Lyonnais. The football hipster will say “I see that the English champions are playing Lyons tonight. Les Gones have to start as favourites.”

“Good eye for the goal, a” -adept at scoring goals. Knows “where the goal is”.

“Good day at the office” -except a football pitch is most emphatically NOT an office.

“He got a (little) bit excited” -as he well ought to be. Whenever a player gets over-enthusiastic at the chance of scoring a goal. See also “saw the headlines for a second”.

“'Got the ball!” -outraged cri du coeur ejaculated whenever One Of Our Boys gets penalised for chopping some chap's legs off despite -apparently, on the tenth super slo-mo replay- making some sort of contact with the ball.

“He's got to be hitting the target from that distance” -the commentator is not angry with the hapless sod, he's just disappointed.

“Great cross, shame no-one was there” -well... it's not a great cross then, is it? File under Highly Illogical.

“Group of Death” -ominous grouping that will presumably result in coffins being flown back home .... not. A group of death includes at least two strong teams and therefore doesn't spell good news for minnows such as Liechtenstein, North Korea, or (insert name of your choice here).

“the Gunners” -nickname of Arsenal FC players.

H ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“the hairdryer treatment” -alleged motivational method favoured by Sir Alex consisting of submitting a poorly functioning player to a vocal tirade delivered at high volume in very close proximity to said player's head during the half-time interval. Variations on this theme include “tea-cups will be flying” and “(the players) are up for a roasting”. 

“the Hammers” -West Ham. Sometimes described as “happy”.

“Hand of God” -not a reference to the New Order pop single, but to Diego Maradona's shameless handed goal against England during a World Cup tournament. Shameless, it was. This being established, never fail to follow up with a reference to his other goal during that match which was terrific or, rather, “genius” -if not simply “the best goal ever scored”.

“Handbags” -short-lived, forehead nuzzling, wide-eyed, “hold me back lads, hold me back!” physical confrontation. Pundits using this word clearly are well 'ard; nothing less than bones sticking out of broken limbs warrants their respect. Youngsters eh... See, back in their own days, they had nothing to eat but gravel! 

“Hands-off warning” -what clubs issue to rivals keen on nabbing one of their players.

“(The keeper won't be) happy with conceding from here” -not that he should welcome being beaten from any distance, one would imagine.

“Hard man” -thug. Player from the seventies (usually), a period where serious fouls meant something substantially more violent than breathing down in someone's general direction.

“Hat-Trick” -when a player scores three goals, after which he gets to take home the last ball in play or, as the commentators mistakenly call it, “the match ball”.

“He had to go” –what happens after a player gets a red card. There is always a commentator on hand to remind the viewer of the kinetic consequence of said player's indiscretion (see also “take an early bath”).

“They're a hard team to break down” -fancy that, the opposite side probably never had any intention of turning up and letting (us) beat (them).

Header -can be “bullet”, “diving”, “glancing”, “nodding”, “deflecting”, “towering”, “stooping”, “crashing”, “into the ground”. Often “off-target”, mind.

“He has to hit the target from here” -when a striker somehow manages to miss from close distance.

“If anything, he almost hit it too well” -eh??

“When he hits them, they stay hit!” -said of vigorously struck balls.

“Hot-shot” -in English: successful.

Hucknall, Mick out of Simply Red -and did you know he supports Man United? Yes, he does!

Hughes, Mark -better known as “Sparky”.

“He's human after all” -after a glaring miss from a top, top brilliant player.

“110%” - what some managers expect from their players, against all mathematical possibility.

Caption to the illustration: “He has to hit the target from here.”

I ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“If it hadn't been for their keeper we would have scored” -well... that's what your man was on the pitch for.

“International level” -when calling up a young player, constitutes a step-up in class. Unless it concerns a foreign team, in which case is a sign of its “desperation”.

Inzaggi, Pippo -“has been flagged offside”.

“(player, usually a defender) introduces himself” -assaults an opponent. A defender will often want to put the fear of God into his opponent and “let him know he's about” as soon as possible, gambling on the high probability that the referee will hesitate to issue a booking early in the game.

Italy -always start slowly. Often accused of playing some negative, tactical (boo!) football usually referred to as “catenaccio” (= door-bolt).

“It's important (we get off to a good start / don't concede early / keep our heads about / concentrate / don't give them any space” -we need to win.

J ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“JCL” or “Johnny-Come-Lately” -a recent adept. One of the most egregious crimes in football supporting folklore is to have been born too late to have experienced the wilderness years of one's chosen club. To have suffered the lows of relegation and repeat defeats is a badge of honour that must be worn with pride and made public to everyone within earshot. A “JCL” has just arrived on the scene, and will therefore be treated with the same contempt reserved for “glory hunters” engaged in “jumping on the bandwagon”. “JCLs” are called “Footix” in French = someone who discovered soccer in 1998. Cf. also “noobies”.

Jeffers, Francis -“the fox in the box”.

“Journeyman” -Well-travelled player who featured for many sides.

“Just enough to put him off” –how to describe an act of cunning intimidation perpetrated by a defender on a striker. Defenders generally like to “introduce themselves” to the opposite players they will batter as much as they can get away with for the rest of the ninety minutes.

K ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keegan, Kevin -used to sport a (bubble perm) seventies haircut in the seventies. Do remark upon it.

“Keystone Cops moment” -when referring to a comedy of errors. Audiences under the age of 100 may be forgiven for wondering who on earth these policemen are.

“Killer ball” – no actual death is involved here, fortunately. The remark usually refers to a defence splitting pass. What in Dublin would be called “deadly” (= brilliant).

“Kisser” -part of the body where some unfortunate players get it.

“(he) knows where the goal is” -at long last, what distinguishes a striker from the rest of his team-mates. He'd better, mind you. Since goals change the complexion of the game, win matches, and so on.

“the Kop” -part of stadium elevated to mythical status for its lodging of the most vocal (“ultra”) local supporters; known as “la (North or South) Curva” in Italy, principally in the Roman and Milanese stadiums.

L ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“He was the last defender -it's an automatic red card” -a favourite with commentators that, actually, has no legal founding: the rule-book has no such clause.

“He is the last person they would have wanted this chance to fall to” -probably untrue, in the whole wide world.

“the Latics” -Wigan.

“(the) League table doesn't lie” -at long last a mathematically correct statement. If a team sits above another one, it is because it has accrued a greater number of points.

Leeds United -the team that defeated Brian Clough. The legendary manager only lasted 44 days there before throwing in the towel (as recounted in the terrific novel “The Damned United” by the terrific novelist David Peace).

“Lengthy” -long.

“Library, the” -less than complimentary nickname for Arsenal FC's former stadium (Highbury).

Lineker, Gary -was never booked let alone sent off, did you know? (This fact was not lost on the man himself who -allegedly- always made sure to remind referees along the lines of “Do you want to be the first ref to book me? Well, do you??”)

“(a player) linked with” -not in a romantic way, but in relation to a potential transfer.

Liverpool FC -”have a rich sense of history”, you may want to offer wistfully.

Lob -“audacious”.

“Lost the dressing room” –when a manager loses the respect of his players, rather than a building.

M ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(They) made things difficult for us” -the bastards dared play their part. Either offered as an excuse for defeat or as extra self-congratulation.

“Magic of the (F.A.) Cup” – ecstatic invocation uttered every time a lower league team beats a bigger league team. The fact that the bigger team may have chosen to field reserves due to fixture congestion is obviously irrelevant.

“(He is a) manager's dream” -player receptive to his manager's instructions. No homosexual attraction implied.

“Managerial Merry-Go-Round” -the common practice of sacking and replacing managers.

Manchester City -likes to see itself as the local team; cf. also Torino or Munich 1860.

“Manchester United never lose -they run out of time to equalise” -smug much?

“Man U”-abbreviation only ever employed by people from outside Manchester. Talking of...

Manchester United -”the red devils”, “the cock of the North” according to their supporters' song, “ManUre” according to ten year olds.

Man United fans hail from Surrey / London “typical Man U fan ...I bet he's never been to Old Trafford” -common cliché whose veracity, as far as Old Trafford attendees are concerned, has been disproved by season tickets addresses and Twitter localisation stamps, but never let facts stand in the way of a cliché -which is what this book is all about.

“the Maradona of the (insert N.E. geographical zone here)” -new brilliant player hailing from an unusual place; could be Romania, could be Sainte-Foy l'Argentière.

McDermott, Terry (or Graeme Souness for that matter) -used to wear a 'tache, which is outrageous.

“(It's) meat and drink to him” -a Martin Keown find, used to describe a skill that is second nature to a player.

“Men against boys” -chasm in quality.

“Mind-games” -what managers (or, less often, players) engage in with each other, like the masterbrains that they are.

“Minnows” -less than glamorous team not overly endowed with many prospects of victory making up numbers in the competition it appears in. Still needs to be “given respect”. “Never an easy game”, see.

“(the) modern game” -very different from football as was played in the pundit's own days.

“Monster” -name that a certain would-be flamboyant agent tried to turn into an adjective in order to express a player's great quality: “cor, he is a monster player that one”. See also “top top” beloved of Jamie Redknapp.

“(He needs to get) more involved” -he needs to go and assault an opponent.

“(You would have placed your) mortgage on him converting this chance” -bit of fascinating etymology here: the word comes from the French language with “mort” meaning “death” and “gage” meaning “debt” or “token”, so this basically spells out this message: “If you don't repay your debt, you deserve to die”!

“(the) most knowledgeable supporters in the land” -quite a few clubs like to boast of this epithet, usually the one mentioned in the current conversation. As opposed to their know-nothing local rivals, naturally.

N ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name + “y” -linguistic mannerism denoting affection, hence “Scholesy”, “Platty”, “Wrighty”...

Name + “za” -linguistic gimmick denoting affection, hence “Gazza”, “Wazza” (except nobody took their cue from this Beckham invention ...The Sun, perhaps?).

“the new (Ryan Giggs)” -exciting new kid on the block who gets instantly lumbered with a tag impossible to live up to. Cf. also “the Maradona of” (insert geographical name here).

“the next goal's going to be really important”

“that magic night in Barcelona” updated to “that famous night in Istanbul”, depending on which red clad North West team is playing -famous English victories in the Champions League competition.

“Nine” -the number of the cloud. When used in conjunction with “false”, means a strategic choice not to play with a conventional 4-4-2 formation.

“No easy game (in international football or at this stage of the competition)” -how to get one's excuses in early.

“No-nonsense defender” -a thug. Also known as a “take-no-prisoner defender”.

“Noobie” -someone new on the scene. Cf. “JCL”.

“Northwest” -difficult trip that teams face.

“Not over until the fat lady sings” -until the referee blows-the-final-whistle. And that's discounting the people who think it's all over, and are on the pitch.

“Not that kind of player” -protestation of innocence from a manager who -more often than not- has witnessed a vicious foul by one of his players, for which the miscreant has duly received a red card.

“Nothing to see” -the best way to ignore a foul by one of Our Boys. Moving on, shall we! … Often followed by righteous indignation at the opponents' rough tactics. 

O ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Obviously...” -phrase filler. A cricket player once casually brought up the subject of his mother-in-law's sudden death as -obviously- a contributing factor to his side's defeat.

“the Old Firm” -derby between Rangers and Celtic.

“(l') Olympico” -derby between l'Olympique Lyonnais and l'Olympique de Marseille.

“On paper” –the composition of a team may be of great relevance to the outcome of a match, but it has no causative effect: matches are played on grass, not on paper.

“One for the camera” -oh so nonplussed comment on a spectacular save.

“One-club man” -unadventurous player who spends his entire career at one club: step forward Gary Neville, Tony Adams, Jamie Carragher...

“(playing) one-twos” -the art of exchanging passes between two players (of the same team, preferably). Clever or what!

”Onion bag, the” -the net.

“(You) only sing when you're winning” -inevitable chant that gloats at the despair -and resulting momentary silence- experienced by deflated rival supporters who have just seen their team concede a goal or two.

“Opted for power over placement” -referring to the act of shooting. This may result in “stinging the palms of the keeper”.

Opportunity” -may be “glorious”, “gilt-edged”, “golden”, “clear”, “spurned”, “wasted”, “lost”...

P - V

P ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Park the bus” – defensive tactic aimed at frustrating the other team. A saying favoured by José Mourinho who would never dream of getting tactical or negative, oh no.

“(he's already) paying back his price tag” -when a newly acquired player proves his worth. Monetary terms are so romantic.

Pearce, Stuart -nicknamed “Psycho”. Loved the Stranglers and the Sex Pistols.

“Penalties” -a lottery, according to the seasoned opinion of British pundits who -for the most part- were professional players themselves. “It's us done for Gary -penalties are a lottery!”

“the People's club” -how Everton likes to see itself.

“Philosophy” -how the new breed of managers describe their occupation, or else a project.

“Physical side of the game” -violence.

“(a shot) picking up pace” -is this even possible?

“Plate, on a” -where the striker had it, and still managed to miss. Another highly illogical expression.

“(I am) pleased with my performance, but what is more important is that the team does well / the three points” -a staple of post-match interviews.

“Plucky” -less rich than the other team. See also “minnows”, “brave”, “dark horses”, “the magic of the cup”, and so on.

Plural (use of) -”your Zidanes, Ronaldos”. Makes the commentator sound blasé about the whole thing and existentially above the named individuals.

“(defender) has (attacker) in his pocket” -when a player has the total measure of his opposite player and denies him every opportunity. Then again, said player may get “his pocket picked”, i.e. lose the ball.

Portsmouth -”Pompey”, as in “Play up, Pompey!”

“(the) Potters” -Stoke City.

“Premier League” -the-best-league-in-the-world. Hear, hear! What pace- and physicality- challenged foreign players need time to adapt to, especially since things such as tackles are banned abroad.

“Price tag” -what gets slapped.

“Professional foul” -frankly alarming oxymoron referring to sacrificial thuggery perpetrated for the good of the team. “Taking one for the team”.

“Project” -what football clubs have become.

“Protracted” -how transfer dealings often turn; then they become “sagas” in their own right. Businessmen at the helm of football clubs wouldn't have it any other way.

“You make a mistake at this stage of a game, you get punished” -you can get away with conceding penalties any other time, presumably.

“You would have put your house on him scoring!” -for these pivotal moments when a player is highly expected to score ...and fails to comply.

“Putting one's foot through the ball” -presumably not for real. Vigorous kick, one rather suspects.

  

Q ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“QSG” -sarcastic nickname for Paris Saint-Germain alluding to the origin of its sudden obscene wealth.

“(The other lot has a lot of) quality players” -getting one's excuses in early.

“Quarterback pass” -long pass. Reference to some sport played in the US of A.

R ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Radar” -where potential transfer subjects appear, as opposed to pitches where they can be witnessed in action. The aforementioned potential transfer subjects accordingly become “targets”.

“Rafters” -what a stadium is packed up to the.

“Raise your hands” -commentators like to assert that any player raising his hands is asking for an automatic red card. Which is not in the rule book. Cf. also the notorious “last defender” imaginary rule.

“Rattle” -what the goal-frame often does.

“Red alert” -what clubs are said to be on when “unsettled players” slash “contract rebels” go mano a mano with their current employers.

“the Red Devils” -nickname of the Belgium and South Korean teams. (Also of Manchester United.)

Redknapp, Harry -most emphatically NOT a wheeler dealer, but “a fackin' football manager” in his own immortal words. Avuncular character prone to answer reporter questions from inside his motorcar. Universally known as “'Arry”.

“(to put the) reducer on a player” -to assault him. Another find by Ron Atkinson, casually explaining how to deal with a skilful player.

Referee, the -either “needs glasses” or “is a w@nker”. “The referee's decision is final”. Magnanimous managers will concede that “referees have a difficult job” ...before blasting them for what they will consider to be the wrong decisions. “Assistant referee” is the new name for “linesman”, something sniggering old school pundits still can't get their heads around.

“Reinforcement” -new player.

“Rolling back the years” -used to describe players over the age of thirty-three. Suitable for consummate professionals like Teddy Sheringham, Gordon Strachan, or Ryan Giggs.

“Root of the problem” -when it's time to wonder why the England football team never performs. An expression wheeled out every other year.

“Roy of the Rovers stuff” -reference to a popular soccer comic to denote a felicitous, unforeseen dramatic twist that nobody expected to see outside the world of fiction. Grabbing victory out of the jaws of defeat, for example.

“the Royals” -Reading FC.

“Rub of the green” –when the other team has all the luck. What Nick Cave, in a rarely heard Biblical mood, would call “kicking against the pricks”.

“Running down the clock” -when the team in the lead plays it safe as long as it possibly can.

S ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Salmon -what (often left unmarked at the back post) players rise like to head a corner in.

“a save right out of the top drawer” -a very good one: where one's undies are usually kept.

“(he) saw the headlines” -when a player “went for glory” instead of playing for the team. See also “he got a little bit excited there”.

Scholes, Paul -he could never tackle! Followed by wry chuckle on the part of the commentator. Incidentally, not a view shared by Roy Keane who -fancy that- simply ignored the official line and claimed that Scholes always knew exactly what he was doing. “the ginger prince”

“(so-and-so) sold him a lollipop” -another one courtesy of “Big” Ron Atkinson. Denoting a cunning act of subterfuge perpetrated by a player feinting to go in one direction ...only to wrong-foot the defender and go in the other one, the cheeky rascal. As Raymond Chandler would put it, “he waved a fish in front of (your) nose”.

“Seconds, in the” -always “dying”.

“The teams have set out their stall” -they're playing a for nil-nil draw.

“Seventh” -the number of the heaven reached.

Shaqira Shaqira -”this time for Africa”.

Shaqiri Shaqiri -”this time for Bavaria”.

Shankly, Bill -he was a socialist, you know. (Like fellow Scot Sir Alex and Brian Clough.)

“the shirts” -affectionate nickname for the players you support. Also “the boys”, “the lads”, “the lazy buggers”.

Shots -can be “fired”, “drilled”, “rifled”, “thundered”, “hammered”, “slammed”, “blasted”, “driven”, “arrowed”, “thumped”, “scuffed”, “lashed”, “smashed”, “unloaded”, “belted”, “guided”,  “flicked”, “backheeled” (in which case always in a “cheeky” fashion), “dinked”, “slotted”, “steered”, “curled” (this time always “delightfully”), “stabbed”, “poked home”,  “deflected” (naturally “giving the keeper no chance”), “scrambled”, “bundled”, “dispatched”, “rolled” (usually “into an empty net”), “blazed”, “skied”, “squandered”,  and so on.

“Should have scored (from there)” -always uttered when the player didn't. ...Not that he wouldn't have preferred to do so eh.

“Sick as a parrot” -highly disappointed. This expression supposedly refers to a parrot offered to the Tottenham Hotspur team who died the day Arsenal FC were voted in the First Division at Spurs' s expense. ...in 1919.

“Siege mentality” -football people don't half-like their military similes. George Orwell (1903-1950) once wrote that “sport is war without the guns”.

“Single minded” -selfish, won't pass the ball.

“(missing a) sitter” -failing to score an easy goal. No actual sitting down is involved.

“Six“ -what some get hit for.

“Six of one, half a dozen of the other” -what the French would call “fifty-fifty” (sic).

”Six-pointer” –technically incorrect, mathematical sounding calculation that adds the three points gained by the winning team to the three points lost by the defeated one in a crucial game, either at the top or bottom of the league.

“Slightest of touches”

“Snags and stumbling blocks” -pesky obstacles to transfers. Often involve the dreaded  “personal terms” and“add-ons”.

Snatch -easy now! Refers to how shots can be fired: they can be “snatched at”, that's how.

“Soap-in-the-shower moment” -nope, not a hilarious reference to anal rape, but an image describing a keeper's fumbling attempts to claim a squirming ball. On this subject, Diego Maradona was said to be able to play keepy uppie with soap bars.

“the Socceroos” -rather wonderful nickname for the Australian football team. Their national support song goes “Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie! Oi oi oi!” … Beat that, Michael Nyman.

“Somewhat fortuitous” -redundancy alert!

South American teams -the dirtiest in world football.

Southampton -”the Saints”.

“Spectre” -either evocation of a predecessor or fate tempting hypothesis. Clubs will be said to be “haunted by the spectre of relegation”, even though there is nothing supernatural about it.

“Spell on the sidelines” -ban.

“Spoof transfer rumour” -a bit of fun on the rise ever since the promotion of social networks. Often involving airport check-outs and motorway service stations where certain players were allegedly “spotted”.

“Squeaky bum time” -an invention of Sir Alex, gleefully recycled to convey a feeling of high tension.

Stadium of Light -l'Olympique Lyonnais's new stadium; and Sunderland's; and Benfica's.

“Stalwart” -the jury is out as to when a “work horse” becomes a “stalwart”.

“(So-and-so got transferred out of the club after being caught) stealing from his team-mates in the dressing room” -legendary story that has done the rounds, involving various players that our learned friends will certainly not allow us to name. Probably dragging the beautiful game into disrepute, eh.

“Stone-cold / stonewall penalty” -what exactly penalty shots have to do with minerals or gay bars has never been cleared up.

“Strength in depth” -rich club.

Substitution -will be called “inspired” when producing a(n end) result. To be filed under the Language Inflation category.

"Summer spending spree" -What clubs embark on, when they spend huge amounts of money on new players.

“...and that sums up his / their season” -to accompany footage of a shocking miss.

“Sunday” -”super”.

“(You're) supposed to be at home” -popular chant by away fans taunting the relatively quiet local  crowd. Of course, visiting fans always tend to be more vocal than local ones on balance: they want to make good on the expenses incurred for their trip!

“Swoop” -buy.

T ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Take one game at a time” -there is no other way to play.

“Taking their foot off the pedal” -when players relax once in front. Please note: they are not actually driving any vehicle.

“Taking home the ball match” -more like the last ball in play at the end of the ninety minutes, yeah. The privilege of a hat-trick scorer.

“(We'll let our football do the) talking” -a physical impossibility that attests to football players' lack of verbal skills.

“Ah I don't wanna talk about other teams' players but (insert name here) is a terrific lad and everyone knows I like him” -and the manager has not in any way suggested that he would be interested in signing the player under discussion, because that would be illegal “tapping up”.

“(the) Tangerines” -Blackpool's nickname.

“Old fashioned target man” -elbowing, big lump waiting for “route one” balls to reach him so that he can “bury them inside he net”.

“Ten men behind the ball” -self-explanatory, which -er...- makes it how many in front again? Ultra-defensive stance.

“the Ukraine” -and yes, some commentators still use an article when referring to this country, something they somehow never do for Uruguay, Italy, Argentina, Holland...

“Thick” -and always “fast”.

“They think it's all over -it is now” -excerpt from the commentary to the 1966 World Cup final that saw England win its only trophy. Recycled as the title of a popular BBC sports comedy show.

“They're throwing everything at them except the kitchen sink”

“Tiki Taka” -tactic consisting of monopolising the ball and exchanging quick intricate passes that served well the all-conquering teams of Barcelona and Spain. When practised in the Premier League (notably by Arsenal), called “passing oneself to death with no end product”.

“(the) Toffees” -nickname for Everton.

“Too good to go down” –how pundits who base their predictions on respectable names -rather than judge each game on its own merit- make themselves hostages to fortune. A similar line of reasoning was applied to multi-billion financial institutions up to 2008 ...and we saw what happened next. See also “on paper”.

“Top top” -of great quality, as in “he's a top top player, he needs to be playing for a top top club.”

“Transfer limbo” -mythical wilderness where naughty footballers who have issued a come-and-get-me plea are sent to.

“Transfer raid” -transfer.

“Transfer window” -what slams shut.

“Turning up” -sometimes commentators go blind and just can't see the teams on the pitch. What teams are accused of not doing when they give it substantially less than the proverbial 110%, in fact when they give it substantially less than the minimum required itself ...and suffer the consequences.

“Twelfth man” -home support. There are only eleven men per team (+ sometime the referee, but that's a story for another day).

“Typical defender shot” -straight into the proverbial Row Z.

“Typical striker tackle” -assault.

U ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ugly ball to defend” (copyright Ron Atkinson) -in English, a difficult one to defend.

“Ugly head” -what something is always ready to rear its.

“United” -usually refers to Manchester United, to the understandable annoyance of other teams hailing from Newcastle, Leeds, West Ham, Sheffield and so on. A complaint that typically unpretentious MUFC fans like to respond to with “there's only one United”, which surely -in fact, as has just been pointed out- is highly erroneous. 

“Unknown quantity” -(usually foreign) player that the commentator has never heard of. How respected pundit Alan Shearer once introduced ex-Olympique Lyonnais league winner and full France international Hatem ben Arfa.

“Unveil” -present (a new player or manager). Does not involve the lifting of an actual veil.

“Up and at 'em” -call to go and assault opponents.

“U-turn” -always dramatic.

V-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Virtually unmarked” –genuinely unmarked, more like. What is this nonsense? Are we watching a video-game or a real match??

W - Z

“(The other team) wanted it more” -maybe they also worked harder at it.

“War chest” -Obscene amount of money entrusted by a club chairman with his manager to go and buy players from other clubs rather than actually train and manage the ones he already has at his disposal. It is not clear at which point a “transfer kitty” becomes a “war chest”.

“Warming the bench” -the fate of a substitute sitting out the entire game (please note they still get remunerated). In French, substitutes -or “subs” for short- are nicknamed “garçons coiffeurs” (= apprentice hairdressers) for their propensity to give each other hair-cuts in the absence of any on-field action.

“Warning” -usually of the “hands-off” variety, whereby a club officially tries to dissuade its rivals from nabbing one of its players ...before sadly caving in when a suitable amount of money is eventually flashed before its eyes.

Can also be “early”, indicating that something is not quite right with a player's health or a team's tactical acumen.

“His weaker foot” -all hail obscenely paid professionals who can't be bothered to train both their feet.

“Wears his heart on his sleeve” -gruesome biological impossibility that signifies dogged determination.

“Week in week out” -every week.

“West Ham won the World Cup” -self-serving reference to the number of West Ham players in the 1966 World Cup winning team.

“West Ham aka The Academy” -reference to the number of prestigious English players coming out of its factory line throughout the years (Rio Ferdinand, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole or Frank Lampard jr. being among the latest ones). 

“Wet cold Tuesday night in Stoke, a” -according to some, the true mark of greatness. The environment in which them lah-di-dah arty-farty pussyfooters of Barcelona wouldn't cut it, oh no. They'd get found out by some proper footballers, oh yes.

“They are right where we want them” -bizarre expression sometimes offered after conceding a goal or two. Famously uttered by US Presidential candidate J. McCain when falling a few dozen points behind in the race for the White House -and what a cunning plan this proved to be.

“Whip” -coming after “snatch” and “belter”. A shot can be “whipped with pace”.

“White Feather” -white-haired Italian goalscorer Fabrizio Ravanelli.

“A win is a win” -correct, even if tautological.

“Winter break” -elusive answer to England's woes for as long as this chronicler can remember. “How can we compete, Gary? It's so unfair! Without a winter break, we are burnt out by the time the summer tournaments start!”

Wise, Dennis -“picks up a booking for his challenge” (or insert N.E. other name of your choice).

“Woodwork” -goal posts. What "the goal" is often “denied by” .

“Work the goal-keeper” -strikers are often advised to at least test the goal-keeper (even though the latter's intervention is presumably the last thing they want to encourage).

“Worked his socks off” – used to describe a player with an exceptional work rate such as Park Ji Sung for Manchester United or Dirk Kuyt for Liverpool. No player has ever finished a match sockless though. This would not be sanctioned by the football authorities (insert anecdote about the shoeless, FIFA banned, national Indian team here).

“World class” -very good. Often used to describe goalkeeping saves.

“Worst possible start” -ever so slight exaggeration. Meaning conceding an early goal.

“Wry” -the only type of smile allowed, otherwise one will be accused of “gloating”.

Answer : “They wear their heart on their sleeve.”

X ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“X-rated challenge” – act of aggression. Another misnomer, as no sexual activity has ever been known to take place on a football pitch. At least not during a match.

Y ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yard of pace” – what an ageing player loses. Not that commentators are suggesting footballers should compete against Usain Bolt.

“Yellow Submarine” -nickname for Villareal.

WARNING: CONTROVERSIAL. “Yids” -nickname some Tottenham fans give themselves in order to reaffirm their Jewish roots. Not endorsed by all Jewish persons though. The same situation occurs at Ajax Amsterdam.

Z --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Z” -the only row ever mentioned. Where balls hit by Nicky Butt or Emile Heskey usually fly to ...even though most grounds don’t have a Row Z.

Bibliography.

After embarking on a long preliminary period of research consisting of either calling upon my personal memories or making notes during live matches, I hit upon the idea of checking whether other people hadn't previously entertained the same idea for a book. Surprise surprise, I hadn't been the first one to lovingly compile and decipher these marvellous expressions! Turning to the Net, I came across a number of relevant websites addressing this very subject. Here are a few, correct at the time of writing, that propose their own definitions of football clichés.

http://backofthenet.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Football_Phrases

http://www.northstandchat.com/showthread.php?270722-Complete-list-of-football-clich%E9s

https://www.facebook.com/FootballCliches

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clich%C3%A9

http://youtu.be/entup0bSYjw

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sports_clich%C3%A9s

http://angleofpostandbar.blogspot.co.uk/#sthash.WowN8RTj.dpuf

Thank you for reading.

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