Introduction - A - B

“The A to Z of Football Clichés”

or the Loig (Logically Organised Index Generator) of Football Clichés

Copyright Loig Thivend 2014

Introduction that you won't read.

I was always alert to clichés, what they represent, how they work. Maybe because, as a non-native English speaker, I won't take the language for granted and will actually pay all the more attention to it. What a cliché does, it introduces verbal sequences and replaces thought processes with pre-digested automatisms. It allows the speaker to switch to coasting, so that he doesn't have to think too hard about what is under discussion : the cliché turns the topic into a foregone conclusion. Thanks to clichés, whatever issue is being supposedly argued doesn't need to be explored at all -it has already been sorted.

How you call something “colours” it, pre-judges it.               

Linguistic theorists like Saussure or Barthes talked at lengths about the signified (namely, the content) and the signifier (namely, its mode of expression). For someone straddling languages, images provide the perfect example of arbitrary (that is to say, non natural) relationships between these two elements. For example, it is not obvious that rain can be compared to cats and dogs when other languages offer radically different terms of comparison : it rains “spears” (hallebardes) in French. The field of clichés is a fertile, inventive one that allows for continual wonder.

A hugely important feature of clichés is their phatic nature, that is to say their part in establishing contact and sealing closeness between members of a conversation. With a cliché, the speaker and his / her co-locutor are agreed, they sing from the same sheet. The speaker doesn't have to define every term he will use, their meaning is already a given, it saves time for everyone. Please note that his has nothing to do with the veracity of the cliché (i.e. whether it is justified or not), what matters here is that it is eminently social and fulfils a bonding function.

Methodology-wise, a distinction had to be observed during the making of this work between general football expressions and supporters' own mythologies. In other words, between universal sayings that transcend allegiances and heavily referential in-jokes only meaningful to particular groups. A commentated compilation of distinct chants and sayings may constitute a future project.

Please note: the underlying spirit of this work was never meant to be sarcastic. The following expressions and automatic word associations are not necessarily pointed out in order to be sniggered at, hilarious as some may be. This work is a candid attempt at compiling as many active expressions as possible, regardless of their intrinsic qualities, ludicrousnness or veracity. What has been compiled is supposed to be the accepted, going lingo of the trade. If a novice were to try to get into the spirit of this football thing and pretend familiarity with the subject, these are the words that he ought to use.

In fact, these clichés may just a well be called “expressions”. Remember the early remark about vocabulary bias? Here is a perfect example : by referring to them as “clichés”, we automatically taint them with a lick of snobbery. Use the word “clichés”, and what goes through everyone's mind is :“Oh-but-I-for-one-know-better-than-to-use-these-idiotic-terms-don't-I!”

So call them “expressions” if this makes you feel better (translation : ...if these are word associations you routinely use!), for these truly are the tools resorted to by anyone commentating on a football match, be it on a professional or personal basis. Pretty much like with Shakespeare penned expressions (1), chances are that you and I make use of them without giving it two thoughts.

Finally, a warning: the following pages will uncover a certain amount of pettiness, not to say downright nastiness. As I embarked upon this project, I soon encountered an ethical obstacle that turned into a deontological conundrum: ...what to do with avowedly offensive statements?

Racist, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist... football supporters have been known to come up with their fair share of less than pleasant songs. Leeds supporters hailing the Yorkshire Ripper, Chelsea fans singing about the Busby Babes captain's dead body, Spurs followers “taunting” Sol Campbell, these are but a few in a great deal of notorious sickeners.

As a trained indexer and librarian, I am of the firm belief that there is proper, serious documentary work to be done here -but that may be for another day. My first, present concern was to keep this here compilation reasonably good humoured.

...Which doesn't mean that all of the following expressions are necessarily pleasant. As is in the nature of things, and increasingly in this volatile mass-media multi-audienced world, some readers are bound to find some of the quoted expressions offensive -and so do I in fact! So do I. I must therefore make it very clear that the views expressed thereafter are not meant to reflect mine; the aim of this project is to compile and sometime clear up football clichés, not to endorse them.

With this important caveat taken care of, let's kick off!

(1)   Here is a list of 50 everyday expressions, as compiled by The Independent : http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/william-shakespeares-450th-birthday-50-everyday-phrases-that-came-from-the-bard-9275254.html

A ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Acres of space” -where players find themselves in every now and then ...only to fluff their line or not get noticed by their team-mate with the ball.

“(Great) advert for the game” -mark of approval for an outstanding act of fair play. Rarely used.

”African teams” -used to be charitably described as being ”tactically naive”.

“(He has) all the time in the world (usually to shoot)”.

“All to play for” –phrase always ejaculated after a dramatic goal is scored that gets the losing team “right back in the match / in the chasing”. Mind you, one ought to be fairly sure that there was all to play for before as well.

“It's always nice to score” -usually followed by “...but what's most important is the three points.”

“We always knew we were in for a tough game” -we've been spanked and no mistake.

“(The ball was) always rising” -hmm, not sure about that. It has to land eventually.

“Aplomb” -how to finish with. Don't forget to incorrectly pronounce the final, silent “b”.

“(the) Arabs” -local nickname of Dundee United, with reference to their “sandy” pitch!

Argentina  -”Argentina is a team that likes to play football.”  As opposed to other football teams who secretly want to play cricket eh.

Arsenal -always try to walk in a goal / pass themselves to death / used to be “boring” / their goalkeeper “was at fault for that one” / have signed another Frenchman barely out of his teens. For more on this subject, check out “The I.T. Crowd” episode in which Mos gets to grip with football lingo (naturally “with hilarious consequences”).

“the most expensive season tickets in the Premier League” which is in fact wrong (it's Chelsea of course).

“Arsene knows” -It's beyond questioning. (the Arsene in question being Arsenal's long-standing French manager)

“Asking questions of defenders” -this one is rather endearing, as it brings up the image of shaved headed tattooed mayhem merchants walking up to defenders and asking them to name four countries whose name starts with “U”.

“At the end of the day” -they never mean the evening. Never.

Atletico Madrid -until recently, best known from always managing to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

“Atmospheric stadium” -old, falling to pieces.

“(the) Attendance (today is...)” -stadium P.A.s always give the day's attendance during the match, which in turn elicits a hearty round of applause. Just ...why??

“(gli) Azzurri” -nickname of the Italian national team (= the Blue ones).

B ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Back-pass” -danger danger! Often described as “hospital” or even “suicidal”. 

“Bad time to concede” -as if there were any good time to do so. Often referring to the final minutes of the first half.

“(the) Bafana Bafana” -score extra points in hispsters company by referring to the South Africa national team with its nickname …even though, apparently, the repetition is pure nonsense: “bafana” meaning “little boy”,“Bafana Bafana” therefore spells out...

“Bald Eagle” -distinguished looking Juventus -and Crystal Palace!- player Attilio Lombardo. He was bald.

Bale, Gareth -“sets off on a run”.

“(a) bang” -the usual way to come back with.

“Barça” -Barcelona. Barcelona famously refuse to feature advertising on their tops in order to preserve the purity of the shirt essetera, essetera, essetera. Except this is no longer true, and for a few years now. Another proud tradition bites the dust.

“the Barcodes” -nickname for Newcastle United ...although probably not to their liking.

“Bare bones “ -what teams get down to under the guidance of Harold Redknapp: “I'll tell you what Gary, we're down to our bare bones here; I'll need to speak to the chairman about it. “ Only kidding. The state of a team decimated by injuries, can happen to everyone.

“You can only beat what's in front of you“ -you don't say.

Beckenbauer, Franz -do refer to him as “the Kaiser” cos' that's -y'know- witty.

“Beckham Territory / Range” -zone of variable size situated anywhere between the half-way line and the box, where the goal-kick specialist will try to emulate l'Olympique Lyonnais's supremo Juninho. Beckham will, in turn, inspire Cristiano Ronaldo to try to emulate him (with frequent risible consequences).

Best -Premier League: “best in the world”; English supporters: “best in the world”; Pele: “genius”, Maradona: “better,” George: “best”.

“(He won't get a) better chance” -indicating a shocking miss.

“Better than their record indicates” -another entry in the dodgy mathematics department. In clear contradiction to “the league table never lies”.

“playing between the lines” -said of a intertextual minded player who doesn't spend ninety minutes standing next to his designated man-marker.

“Bid hijack” -similar to house gazumping, a permanent risk in inter-clubs negotiations. Often perpetrated by bigger -read : richer- clubs.

“Big (make yourself )” -no, not what you think. What goal-keepers do in order to block shots.

“For a big lad, he's good with his feet / he's got a good touch for a big lad”.

“Big Sam” -soccer manager Sam Allardyce.

Birthdays -commentators are fond of mentioning that a player will soon be celebrating his. Candid question: does it matter?

“the Blades” -Sheffield United.

“(name of player) bleeds (colour of club jersey)” -more often than not, he doesn't. Human beings all bleed red. In France, a player will be said to “have the looove for the shirt” ( = l'amour du maillot), which is just as disconcerting when you think about it.

“(so-and-so) bombs forward” -runs very fast.

“(name of club) bought the title” -accusation aimed at a club bought by a hugely rich businessman desirous to get a return on his lavish transfers investment: once Blackburn Rovers, now Chelsea and Manchester City.

“Bouncebackability” -the ability to bounce back.

“The boy (insert name here) 'done good” -in no way patronising -and grammatical incorrect- accolade awarded to grown-up man who is One Of Ours. “The boy Lineker 'done us proud again out there today.”

“breaks the deadlock” -what the scoring of a goal does.

“Brazil” -samba stars who bring colour to the World Cup. Are we still allowed to say “they have rhythm in their blood”? Always play with a smile on their face, bless them. … Except when the World Cup takes place in Brazil obviously.

Brighton and Albion -nicknamed ”the seagulls”. Because -you know- there are seagulls in Brighton...

“Brum” -Birmingham.

“If a Brazilian had done that, we’d be raving about it!” -but no Brazilian did.

“Build-up to” -pre-match period. Gets ever more ludicrous for the annual F.A. cup final.

“Business end of the season” -bizarre, all-encompassing, expression that may stress the importance of the current results in the final ranking up or make a point about their financial value -or may mean something else altogether. Sounds ponderous, though.