chapter 17 - 19

chapter 17 "Last night, what we talked about, it made so much sense"

I am making progress through the crowd, going about my business as one is wont to. I am exhibiting all the right signs of life and sending the normal signals of activity. I fit in the box. See me, I may not wear a baseball cap on my head nor trackies down my crack, I still pause at red lights and don't hiss at pregnant women smoking, I don't spit nor litter the street, in short I behave reasonably close to the manner broadly expected of me. For instance, I welcome each and every one of the dozen flyers bored youths hand me in succession -Good on you pal! One more tree well felled for! I deeply care about these charitable causes and promotional offers, I shall give them my fullest consideration at the earliest. I stop at crossings and wait for "walk" signals. When the signal indicates "walk", I walk. I chew with my mouth closed. I don't keep my sunglasses on indoors. I don't amble about with a mobile telephone glued to my ear and the other hand on my crotch. I take the time to shower before leaving the house; sometimes, I even indulge in spraying deodorant on my sweaty parts. I don't break down in the middle of the street and start cursing the world. Hell no. Instead, I pull myself together and carry on. Endure is what we must. I abide by the unstated rule that one should never make visual contact with anyone; tss tss, only uncouth visitors to these shores look people in the eye. What these poor souls don't get is that non-commitment is precisely what gets us through in this modern, urban life of ours. It is what keeps us safe. No contact - no risk. (White van idles by, covered in grime... Someone has fingerpainted "i wish me wife was that dirty" on its bonnet.) Take evening commuters on the LUAS, stewed in their sweat: When did you last hear any of them engage in a conversation? They just get up, open the window to get sick outside.

I am not thinking about him anymore, not for a second.

I pass by a bookshop, register the message on its window. “Come in and make use of our free wi-fi space! Enjoy our delicious skinny lattes and hand-made scones!" Adding: "We also sell books!”
A Japanese woman is squatting in the street, chalk all over her face. She strikes her stringed instrument with a spatula and intones some incomprehensible chanting from the depths of ages. Growls, invocations ensue. Tourists eye her briefly and make sure to avoid her. I model my behaviour on theirs. I make sure to avoid her. I take the right, I cross the street, I carry on. Fat girl to her friend: “If I didn’t smoke, I would like start eating and pile on the pounds”. Friend commends fat girl.
I make a mental note of the presence of advertising in these public places. To be fair, it is not difficult to miss. It pervades every surface available. Poster, flyer, sticker, banner, bag, logo, beanie hat, rack, sign, line, logo, mug, porch, putrid heart on pack of cigarette, back of bus, bonnet of cab, bomber jacket, suicide bomber's Puffa jacket, headphones, phone box, neon light, woolly hat, backpack, laptop, rolling luggage, wheelies, shopwindow, hood, forehead tattoo. I come to the logical response: I whip out my card.

I take my place in the ATM queue, take out the tenner. I give it to your man with the screwdriver and then I've lost my spot. I go back to the end of the queue, I wait for my turn, and then I'm allowed to take out whatever is needed for these important purchases. The smelly man sends me on my way with the hope that "the road rise with me" and that is jolly good of him. And all the while, all the while during the ritual I am doing my sums. Over the course of a normal shift -say, five to ten minutes- your man must make himself a nice little packet, all things being equal. Take ten quid, multiply it by five to ten customers, that's not too bad for less than a quarter of an hour's work. Sure beats-working-in-an-office and all. True, your man can never expect long rounds though: By then the Garda will have got the call and he'll have to relocate, all grumbling and cursing under his cider breath ("Tsnot fair! Fock da shades!"). It's a peripatetic line of work alright. Keeps him fit, too.

Observing the normal code of behaviour, I enter a commercial outlet for the purpose of browsing its make-up department. After all, I am supposed to care about beauty products and slimming diets just as I am expected to weigh pregnancy over working-life, usually in this order too. Now then. I browse the make-up department accordingly. I don't spare a thought for the fluffy rabbits martyrised in the process of testing; I don't baulk at the prices quoted; I certainly don't remember that the single most effective method of looking after one's skin is A) to keep it well-hydrated, B) to keep it as free of chemicals as possible, and C) to keep it out of the sun, that's it, nothing more needed. Instead I make a point of perusing the latest product endowed with an array of exciting sounding innovations. Ah yes, this yoke will "penetrate my pores", it will "percolate my foundations", but will it "spark my isotherm into regenerative action"? It is a truth universally acknowledged that beauty products guarantee you sex appeal guarantee you fellows guarantee you self-esteem. Under close surveillance from the shop assistant, I let a pensive pout play on my lips for a suitable amount of time... and then ditch the piece of crap. The peroxide girlie behind the counter gamely hides her disappointment and instantly shifts her undivided attention to another potential customer (chances are she's on a commission). I exit Brown Thomas.
I take out my mobile phone, check that it's on, and switch it off. Good thing I remembered; can't be running the chance to hear his voice again can I. Georgie might call though... well let her call. That's what the message service is for.
I have four whole days ahead of me before my next appearance on the show, four days to take stock and maybe react, four days more likely spent in mourning.

 "The F*ckin' C*nts Treat Us Like Pr*cks"

Eleventy-six chocolates later I don't feel so well. My stomach is starting to make audible bubbles and reflux is provided free of charge. I am not feeling nauseous just yet, but we're probably heading in that direction. 'Heard the one about drinking yourself sober? Well it's pretty much the case here except different -I sure ain't pigging myself hungry! Chomp, chomp, munch, munch, "Five Steps To Thin" can go to hell is what I think. "Five Steps To Thin" is a fine one... Their shtick in short: don't eat fried food, crisps or chocolate (they're already on a winner); don't drink alcohol or sodas, only black coffee and plenty water; no food after six and never more than six hours' sleep; pop vitamin pills and get on a five-a-day habit, you'll be sorted!

Talking of, could do with some water me... In fact urgently need water. I'm an h20-based creature after all, must remember to rehydrate once in a while. Water... what a novel idea. I could also -while I'm at it, and in no particular order- cut the crap, cop the feck on, shake myself up, get off the pot, grow a spine, get it back together, smell the coffee, come up with a plan, locate my self-esteem, reconnect with my supposed drive, replace the ragged throw on the sofa, move the feck on and get Jesus in my life. (Last one, only kidding.) More seriously, something I could do with... would be a proper manicure. O. M. G. call that hands? Look like feet, more like! ...Have quite a lot on my plate then. Getting a grip would be useful for starters. A grip, a handle, any kind of leverage will do.

Got, got to get it together then... Must rise to rouse myself.
Now then (Burp!), sounds like a plan, sounds like a right proper breeze: Let's get ready to get ready is all! Let's get myself sorted to get organised! Is so simple really... why make a hill of a mouse trap? 'Shouldn't be too hard to understand -and the idea is shaping up now, it's getting clearer in my mind- what I really must do is... Must put the M. debacle behind me and move the feck on! Simples! Get on with it and turn the page / Carry on regardless / Leave it all behind / Free as a bird, plenty of fish, sleep on it and yadda yadda yadda but seriously. But seriously indeed. It's not the end of the world, is it? All I need to do is remember to forget the louser (morale perks up here), after all this charade never made much sense, did it? All things considered, it was so trivial! Negligible, in the grand scheme of things. A mere episode. A distraction. Rip it up and start again says I. Think about it yeah: Why exactly should this clown matter, what's the big deal here? Surely he's not worth it, no need to waste more time on his subject! Period, close paragraph and open new chapter. Time moves on and so should we. That yoke's deffo been overplayed and surely few would disagree, I mean... It's not like this Mathieu fellow ever played a big part did he? (Correct answer: no he didn't). Let's put it this way, glimpses a light at the end of the tunnel and clutches at it Lily: Your man only served a purely functional purpose -some hot fecking SEX- and now his time has passed. Like I said end of chapter, backspace, delete -"Exit stage left, pursued by a bear".

"He's tough, he's black! He doesn't take any prisoner and doesn't play by the rules, he is... McSadyck!"

Lily awards herself another chocky.

It's true though. Why so worked up? It's not like he represented anything but a penis on legs and an excuse for hilarious pronunciation (which wasn't even funny in the first place) so go on now, getta of here! I'll get myself another one, I'll find another model for sure. Fellows come in all sorts of shapes and forms, but one thing they have in common, they're all gagging for it. They're so predictable... (sigh) All we need to do is lift a finger or our skirt and they come running, with their cheap lines and their tongue out -and when I say "tongue"...- it's like shooting in a barrel! I've still plenty of time for sure, plenty of time to play the field, no panic yet. Cos' let's get real: I mean, it's not like my proverbial "biological clock" is ticking just yet and I'll soon face the dreaded 4-0 staring me in the barren face! I have a life ahead of me yet, and a world full of totally lethal eligibachelors yeah. They're all around, not least in our current Tiger millionaire haven, they shouldn't be too much trouble. This is the twenty-first century yeah, and the whole world is now accessible whether it be in the flesh or online, surely it's never been easier to make acquaintances... This is the beauty of my job. I get to meet all sorts so bring it on! Enjoy the ride! Like I says, plenty of hunks out there... Plenty of sharks in the sea to take advantage of me too (Lily loses her footing and goes back under).

Long chocky-flavoured sigh, burp just about repressed. To-be-perfectly-honest, this foodfest's been going on for quite a while now, and the ultimate state is within reach. Judging from the odoriferous signals sent off ("parp!"), I may be nearing the state desired: blissful satiation. I've sure worked hard at silencing the various alarm bells and have nearly reached it. My last remaining critical faculties have just about been sugared out and I lay there, a zonked out Buddha. I have no particular consumption to get a move on (see earlier highly rhetorical tirade on the need for resolution essetera, yawwwn).

Drink, smoke, snack -rinse and repeat.
This is my very own bunker and this is what I have decided. I am calling time out and I am locking myself in. I'm out of reach. No phone, no Net allowed -reality will have to wait its turn outside. I have drawn the blinds down, turned the idiot box on, popped the cork off, gave the pretence up and have engaged in slobbing the hell out. I crank the volume up and silence my last remaining thoughts, 'Can't be wallowing in self-pity anymore, total wipe-out is what's required. "Now with added pseudo-atoms. The subcutaneous agent penetrates your skin firmly, proto-rearranges the sun-seeking aerophobic ersatzparticles nimbly and leaves your hide shining like a leather wallet!" Aaahhh... who's acting sensible now! That won't be me, now that's for sure.

TV goes on, brainbox goes off. Cholesterol goes up, energy levels go down. All my senses distorted, my normal perception obliterated with sugar overload -At this stage, I can't even decide if I feel fucked enough, total stupor is yet to be achieved. Maybe this is as good as homestayers' afternoons get? Smoothly sinking into stupid... We're still not quite there yet: against my best efforts, thoughts flash through my fried brains to disturb my slob-out fest. Tss tss, can't even switch off properly, that's the problem with being over-stimulated! Feels like there still is a light on within me 'keeps flickering, and the beached whale can't ignore it (cue another one in the cake-hole). ... Isn't it a right bugger though, not to be able to stop thinking at all? Churn churn churn, going over the same old stuff and wondering some more; pondering things and making plans. Is so unfair! The only time I try and the ghost in the machine won't lay still! Can't even doze, can't even manage to get lost in the telly. "I would like a large one Carol" (snort snort) "and four smalls. R, A, S, E, H, E, L, O -The clock starts now!" Somewhere under the din, the auld brainbox is furiously at it and unwelcome concerns make their way up from the deep: there's something wrong with me, there's something fundamentally wrong... Please go away, I crank the volume up and resolutely light another one. I vow not to listen.

"JumboBurger: Buy one, waste one!"
"Only 13% APR the first 6 months, 20% after -Terms and conditions apply."

"Exclusive to the "Mail", new anti-cancer diet! Other papers won't be able to save your life but we can! (Different treatment to be revealed tomorrow.)"

"Your weight in Parmesan -and that's our guarantee!"

"What are you waiting for, silly? Trade it for a new model, everybody does!"

“I was sick and tired of waiting for this never-coming promotion and I knew that my boss didn’t like hairy backs …that’s why I chose OhNoGo. With OhNoGo I was able to solve all my problems and be smooth all over like a baby’s bum –Thank you OhNoGo! (OhNoGo also available for women.)”

-"I know you're tough and you're black, McSadyck ...but why can't you play by the rules sometime?"

-"Sorry Chief, it's not in my nature... I don't do no typing. Talk to Kevin for the paperwork, he'll be able to help you with the report. Huh! 'Honky thinks he's for real, just because he's got himself an education and went to college -He doesn't come from the school of hard knocks like me!"

-"Oh stop it you big brute and get out of my office before I start to hump you!"

Long sigh escapes me; I take a long deep breath and send some oxygen down the lungs I've studiously wallpapered with tar for the last couple of hours. "Pssshhhhhhh..." Doesn't even feel steadying -isn't it supposed to? Feels queer and rank, more like. Benson and Hedges, I think these are... can't remember where I picked them and I wonder ...When did mankind actually start smoking in the first place and why? We didn't pick that up from the animal kingdom now that's for sure, so how did we come up with this -like- baffling practice? Did someone pick a burning leaf one fine day and stick it in his mouth for a dare? If that's the case, presumably he must have enjoyed the experience... Must have been eucalyptus, eucalyptus smells nice. That, or the ch**ky cunt only pretended to enjoy it and his followers, instantly clicking on their "like" button, fell over each other trying to look as cool as him and totally built up on that. Lo! A habit was born, there's your herd instinct in a nutshell. Fashion followers: one - White teeth and nails: nil. In that scenario, I guess your man would have been a role model of some sort, a priest maybe, or a leader of some kind -a caveman Jude Law. The J-Lo of his time. An early case of playing to the gallery and then the gallery keeping up with the Murphys, I like the sound of that.

Of course, it could have started with marijuana, and what a totally credible as well as highly satisfying option this would make. Get this: What would have happened is that folks would have noticed how intensely relaxing it felt to be standing next to a crop of devil herbs in flames after the odd thunderstrike had struck until one day, one day they just decided to get proactive and set it on fire themselves (only a few dozen million years later). Get methodical about it, like. Bingo! Job's a good one! ... Well, that's just another theory. Most probably complete bollix but a clever one nevertheless. Mankind first started to smoke in order to relax and so it goes. (Then companies introduced chemicals, additives, arsenic, tar, menthol, salt, pepper, all shades of shit but that's a story for another day.)

As I ponder these grave questions, my digestive system calls for attention (gross...). I've been stuffing my face stupid for, what? it's been three or four hours now if I count in terms of programmes, yep, must have gone a solid half-afternoon of telly by now. Not that I can distinguish much between them, they all look the same! Daytime programing has let me down and no mistake... These jokes, they leave no trace; it's all instant and no content. Surface noise, flash images, no substance and no distance. It's in your face and then it's gone. Cathodic hypnosis runs its course and you find yourself three hours later unable to recall sweet nothing about you 'been watching: what a result! Just flashing colours, machine-gun cuts that prevent you from actually engaging with the plot, white teeth on parade, blue eyes everywhere, booming ads breaks, totally off-the-cuff catchphrases and insanely cheerful detergent products. Advertising... It's actually the very core of daytime programming, it's the cornerstone and mantelpiece, the peace de non-resistance! And I wonder. I wonder how come there's no channel simply devoted to showing ads... that'd be a lethal concept! They'd be on a winner, 'would pay for itself, the perfect money-making machine and essence of 24/7 TV itself!

Enter Sandman:
"Does twice the job in half the time! Scours, disinfects and refreshes, works on any surface. Gives you more time to go and cook hubby his favourite meatloaf! Now with added lemon and Emmental extracts. Please note that this product is not meant to be ingested, injected or used near a flame -Don't be a moron, will you. May or may not cure diphtheria, diabetes, trapped wind, cellulite, eczema, cystitis, borderline alcoholism, addiction to Robbie Williams, infantilism, boredom, attention deficit disorder, short attention span, kleptomania, apostasy, irritability and illiteracy. The makers decline any responsibility in case of misuse. Available in all good discount supermarkets."

If I'm not mistaken, the term "soap opera" was precisely invented to state the mission of these telefilms: sell domestic products to the great untapped housewives market out there. Telefilms were meant to be commercial vehicles, and not would-be works of art. (As for the housewives, they were meant to be receptacles for said domestic products. As you were then.) Well I'll say this for these ads men: they got it spot-on. Right on the money! The clever clogs sure stamped their mark and -hey, brainwave here- couldn't their story be told at last? Be the subject of scrutiny, like; a study of their methods, that might be fun... Namely how did these Yanks from the 50s / 60s manage to shape the world we now live in? There ought to be some mileage in there, surely! After all, we 'got so used to this state of affairs, so conditioned by this mercantile relationship ...we don't even realise what the game is anymore! We don't notice it no more! They say "Buy buy buy", we say how high? We've been progressively insensitised to what's going on by decades of increasingly sophisticated marketing rammed down our throats. And eyes. And ears. You take nippers, right? Kids nowadays don't tick their essay papers -they flick little "Nike" signs. Read this in an article somewhere...

“Well, Special Agent, the suspect fell when my men apprehended him …He fell a lot.” (chuckle)

Shot of vodka-Orangina follows, last one I swears. Godda pick myself up soon I said, godda get back on my feet. I take a couple more drags before mustering the courage to consider it and then wonder. Is it really worth? I look up to the disabled fire alarm for a decisive reason to make up my mind.
I don't find one.
"Think positive Lily", "just do it", "you never had it so good", "ain't nothing to it girl", "embrace your hero inside", "kick it like you mean it", "rolling stones don't grow on moss" (...I think?), "tomorrow's another day", "now begins the rest of your life" and remember: "Everyone is on the take, that's what makes this country great!" Yikes! No matter how many N.E. other motivational platitude I conjure up and throw at the wall, nothing sticks. Nothing wins me over. "Cheer up, it might never happen", "the first step is the hardest",  "buy one now and get one free -limited offer, terms and conditions apply, always read the label and don't come complaining afterward you hear".
Hmm... this pep talk's not really working is it? I check my ceiling again: still no answer. The truth is, it's pretty hard to find the right words of inspiration when you currently feel like the girl who came in last at a one-participant popularity contest. Everything sounds so silly, and dead pointless.  "...What Danny doesn't know, it's that 20 year-old law student Julee is in fact seventeen year old Julietta daughter of garbage contractor Salvatore Pattrino (laughs)..."

I survey the scene: Toblerone, Aero, Flake, M&Ms, Mon Chéri (!), Suchard -all manners of cute little shits in shiny sparkly packaging. Straight outta this modern Pantheon of conveniences that is the gas station, they trace up the outlines of my body on the fragrant bed-spread. 

"She was the kind of dame, the moment she walked into my office, I knew would spell trouble without using a pen."

"Sit back and enjoy, let tomorrow take care of itself! Here's a little song that will colour life beautiful..."

"Why are we hating when we should be mating yo / Don't denigrate, appre-ci-ate!"

"'Boy was so high the only way you could see him was on radar!"

Thinking back, I almost feel for the poor girl. To be fair, she was probably trying to be friendly and meant to "cultivate the customer" but. But her attempt at friendliness didn't prove a frank success. So there I was, feeling like murder and pre-menstrual, I dump my armful of sweets on her counter, whip out my card and proceed to get it over with double-quick so I can go and stuff my face silly in the privacy of my own gaff -and then the innocent goes:
"All these chocolate... I didn't know it was Saint Valentine!"
I just stare at her.
No babe, it's not Valentine's Day. It most certainly is not chez Lily Towers. Herself is not celebrating Love's fecking magnificence but is in fact trying to pretty much block it right out of her mind. 
I just stare at her.
Cue "rabbit caught in the headlights" moment: tentative smile stalls on unsure face, doesn't make much inroads. The girl oozes embarrassment and me, I stare at her. ...This is turning into a bit of a habit today.
Then she begins to squirm and I swear I can almost recognise "Shureguard (TM) 24 Hour Protection" from my side of the counter. Finally she gets a hold of herself, switches to efficient, and hey ho, it's off to work we go, proceeds to scan my heap of items on autopilot. She sweeps the lot into a bag and announces:
"That will be forrteen Euro fifty-eight pleasethanks."
At least the Chinese girl who used to work here knew when not to make a comment. Mind you in fact I don't remember her ever making a comment: total robot, she was. Had she got her fingers burnt when she arrived and learnt her lesson? Would she have been told not to make small talk, it's company policy not to engage with the customer? Not the foggiest. Never really gave it a thought before. Godda move the punters along I guess, there is petrol to be sold and Euromillions cards to process. In any case, her replacement clearly has a lot to learn yet, starting with unwise off-the-cuff comments. Valentine's Day eh... just what went through her mind!?!

So anyway that was then, and this is where I'm at.
Blissfully barricaded inside my locked-down gaff, comfortably plumped on my bed. I am currently sprawled on an avalanche of cushions surrounded by various wrappers, ciggie butts and a cheeky bottle of vodka, I must be quite a sight. Fortunately the curtains are drawn dead tight, no-one can see, and the only light coming in is from the telly. Mobile safely switched off? Check double-check! The last thing we need right now is a call from G.; knowing her, it's a dead cert she'll try but 'can't face her, oh can't face her right now... Not in my current state, not in that mood of mine. Everything in due time and we'll cross that river when we rebuild that bridge.

"He was looking at my wife like she was some kind of Italian sportscar and he wanted to take her for a test drive -I couldn't let that happen!"

"I know who the killer is... Meet me tonight at twelve by the empty swimming pool!"

-"Is this why Larry got shot?"

"I know nothing about shooting nobody! All I did is make sure she had a flat tyre!"

Worth Every Penny

Truth be told, it's been a busy day for the old remote... Blue-eyed American melos or Australian soaps, homemade talk-shows or badly dubbed ads, no-brainers or no brains at all -they've all had their turn! Herself's been lapping up visual wallpaper like it's been worth every Penny of the License fee.

"Win an electric toaster! Get a compost bin absolutely free! Watch more TV and improve your lifestyle! Enter our pensioners' lottery and scratch these Bingo balls. One time only, special offer until month end."
"A cruise of the Clondalkin canals in Ireland for our fiftieth anniversary? Why, that sounds lovely! Oh Cecil I sayyy, really you shouldn't have..."
"and it's all for you sugarcheeks, a brand new disposable dishwasher that plays MP3s on its plasma screen -Only massive! Top notch! Introducing the new DispoWasho, available with the new DKMaxx credit card. DKMaxxKreditKard, the card that maxes you up!"
-"And did you notice anything about your attacker, any distinctive sign maybe...?
-"Er nothing Inspector no, I was petrified see ...Except maybe -maybe it's nothing but- oh yes, except a striking looking tattoo on his left hand*! Apart from that nothing Inspector no, sorry I can't be of more help..."

"What-oh old sport, the plot thickens! We are clearly dealing with a determined fiend and no mistake, this investigation is certainly promising to be tricky, very tricky indeed... And this, only two days before I take early retirement due to my colour blindness handicap. Ah well, let's just hope my disability won't play against me at the most crucial moment!"
"Now then missy, don't get your knickers in a twist and let boring phonies tell you otherwise: Go treat yourself, you deserve it! 'Course you do, it's only natural! Live a little and call this number (human interaction may not be guaranteed at the other end of the line / premium foreign tariffs may apply)"

-"Now numerous studies have shown that chocolate is good for your health and here is our resident expert, Dr. Thing to tell us more. Dr. Thing... Is chocolate good for our health?
-"Well hello Szcyntia, hello everyone!"

Audience: -"Hello Dr. Thing!" (applause)

-"Yes, numerous studies have shown that chocolate is good for your health, and therefore you should eat more of it, particularly of this delicious kind!"
-"Why thank you Dr. Thing, this certainly clarifies the matter and casts new light on this fascinating subject."
"I lost two stones in five days! Shat them right off! Lost two stones and grew an inch as well! I shed two stones so why don't you, bleedin' loser?"
"Exclusive to "The Irish Independent", in this weekend's issue Glenda Gilson shows you how to gain an extra bra size -and this without resorting to surgery. Only in this weekend's "Indo", Ireland's only quality broadsheet: The Indo -yous be lovin' us!"

"Is it Posh Spice? Old Spice? Baby Spice? or Ginger Spice? Which one do you think, Gemma?"

"If I wanted to cool my heels, schmuck, I'd go ice-skating!"

-"Give it up Sunshine, you're nicked!"

-"Blimey I've been rumbled! It's a fair cop, Guv'!"

"He was the kind of no-good hippie higher than a mongrel on its hind legs..."

Angela Lansbury can't pronounce the word "library", she says "liberry" every time.

"Sunday Tabloid Front-Pager Niamh o'Namara, Euro Crumpet Maria Vilverde de San Antonio (y Chupas a Gogo), Muscles From Brussels John-Claude van Damme...."'
-"But but Dario... When I accepted -under duress naturally- to marry rich sleazy billionaire Hermann von Fritz, I was convinced that you were dead!"
-"I was! But I came back for you Sue-Maria -And nothing can stop us now!"
-"Oh Dario sweet Dario, let's make crazy passionate love in our underwear under a sheet in artistic semi-darkness!"
"Dario and Sue-Maria are right viewers, love-making is a beautiful thing (if you're not a poofter of course) but our lovebirds may well find out, after the first intoxicating couple of years, they may just need a helping hand (wink wink) ...they may discover they need the new Viagra ersatz Goldcock (TM). Did you know that 67,103% of men experience penile dysfunction in their lifetime? Did you? Well Goldcock (TM) is the answer. It is the proven thing, literally the dog's bollocks -so go stick some Goldcock (TM) up your jacksie and rediscover the delights of beautiful love-making! (Not the poofters though, this lot are sick.) Goldcock (TM) is a legally registered trademark and cannot be uttered without express permission, no actual dogs were neutered in the making of Goldcock (TM)."
-"and here's J-Lo's other pad in Miami like hellllllo I mean, how vulgar can it get, right? It's like, ahmygod, quick quick, let's have a look! so totally conspicuous yeah? Totally last year! Complete with two swimming pools, one helipad, another swimming pool in the helipad, Greek columns in the swimming pool, plasma screens on every wall including the Greek columns"
-"Far-OUT yeah!?! And did you see her taste in wallpapers Brennd0n?? Check these out I mean, like, helllllo, is this is like so totally or what?"
-"So totally, Nikhki -I'll tell you what gurrl, I'm already there! Ah, and here is Gordon Brown's bedsit in Woodcut Lane"
"I can't believe it's not OGM! I feel terrific! (...Now where's me incontinent pad?)"

-“Knock knock”

-“Who’s there?”

-“Someone who’s knocking on the door!”

“....and in news that shocked the rock world, the Spice Girls have denied they’re about to reform. Instead, the fiesty fivesome have announced the coming release of a new Greatest Hits Ultimate Best Of compilation. The CD + DVD package will include never-seen-before footage, brand new artwork and exclusive access to the girls’ individual websites. The band was said to be delighted and looking forward to making more money.”

“Saddle up, son! The Comanches have attacked the mission! About time we taught these savages a lesson...” 

And so it goes and on and on.
Would you believe it though, there's more to come where it comes from.

“Virgos will be well advised to carry an umbrella at all times around the 20^th of the month as Pluto will align itself with Venus ...with cataclysmic consequences! Cancers can carry on with their business, they won’t be affected.”

"Need a mortgage? Want to buy that studio of your dreams for that special lady in your life? Pick up the phone! 75% mortgages, 100% mortgages, 150% mortgages -we 'got them all! Getting a mortgage has never been so easy, so just pick up the phone! Dial Pick-up-the-phone dot com and our team of dedicated experts will get right down on your case, our promise is your guarantee. Contact us and we'll get back to you within the hour! Just pick up the phone! Pick-up-the-phone dot com (please note rates may go up as well as down, offer not available to minors under thirteen)."
-"Quick, there is no time to waste! Not one minute, not one second, or else the electro-demagnetiser will blow up the entire planet and bring an end to our civilisation!"
-"Bring an end to our civilisation??"
-"That's right, and extinguish all life-forms!"
-"But Professor, that's monstrous!"
-"It is!"
-"My God, but we are doomed!"
-"We are!"
-"We can't afford to lose a single moment in pointless lamentation then!"

-"We can't!" (etc., continued)

“Saturday will prove to be a good day for Sagittarius. They will experience pleasant light-headedness at the fall of night but also heaviness of stomach at day-break that may result in forced food evacuation. That is because of Saturn running rings around the Moon in the second quarter of its third term. The Moon... it’s a potent omen of spectral visitations not to be trifled with, as Leos will find out to their cost when they venture out without a coat.”

"She was the kind of dame that made your heart beat faster than roofers falling off the Empire State Building." (saxophone soundtrack)

"Oh yeah? And yo mamma's so fat she"

"Don't try to be smart honey, it doesn't become you!"

“Just as Taurus may experience brief feelings of despondency when the wind turns under the influence of Mars crossing the Milky Way, Libras will do well not to walk under ladders when Jupiter moves out of its alignment with Pluto to position itself in front of Neptune. Ah Neptune, the harbinger of toothaches and trapped wind and don’t get me started on Uranus” 

"Just because there is some snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire left in the chimney if you catch my drift"
"W, N, A, K, E, R, S, S and... start the clock!"
"McFriup (TM) is it! Made of delicious fried cheese crust sprinkled over tasty pork scratchings dipped in rashers fat topped with succulent black pudding in mayonnaise, it's served on a bed of roasted potatoes and lard inside a flame-grilled bun! McFriup (TM): Give killjoys a dirty Sanchez and lick it good! McFriup (TM): Gives me a boner like a truncheon!"
-"Yes, Quentin?"
-"Only four I'm afraid."
-"Lucinda?"
-"Ahem, four as well..."
-"Quentin it is then:"
-"Wake."
-"A lot of folks contact us daily. They say, they want to know -and naturally we share their great concern- ...are wheat-based cookies good for our health? With me to ponder this grave question I have noted international media adviser Dr. Thing. Dr. Thing, you're very welcome. Give it to us straight. ...Are wheat-based cookies good for our health or not?"
-"Good evening Kcklara, good evening everyone."

-Audience: "Good evening Dr. Thing." (applause)

-"This I would say Kcklara, and in my expert opinion. Having given it a lot of thought and gone through extensive research no expense spared for this programme, I would say yes. Yes, wheat-based cookies can be extremely beneficial for our health -when consumed in moderation naturally."
-"Naturally."
-"Let's say you find yourself starving to death, right? You haven't eaten for days, you come across a box of these tasty wheat-based cookies... Well I would recommend that you eat them. The whole box even."
-"This certainly makes sense"
-"Not at all."
-"Thank you for taking the trouble"
-"You betcha."

I, I really need to get a grip...

“With me what you see is what you get, I’m like Marmite, you either love me or hate me! I do what it says on the tin!”

“What Cheri-Lee doesn’t know is that Betty-Boo’s pendant is in fact a mike and has caught what she told her earlier at the nail parlour about Shaqila-Queen... Would you like to hear it again, guys?”

“Obviously I’m totally devastated, I made it too hard on myself what with all the pressure, I let myself down... Didn’t bring my “A” game to the table, ‘thought I had the right can-do attitude but I didn't, missing the 15^th hole has to be the lowest point of my career...”

"Don't let life become a mere scrawl at the bottom of invoices, happiness is a choice -Effect it!"

"Your nan died, your godparents passed away, and now your Ma's snuffed it. Obviously you ask yourself: could you be next? Will it be your turn sooner than you think? And more to the point, have you made preparations for that all important event yet? Well, have you??"

-"Such humility, such grace -That's our Mads alright, a right trooper she is, man of the people like, with a kind word for everyone and a nice gesture for each of them, myohmy, it's like she's levelling with them! What a gas it must be for her guests, no wonder she got voted "the nicest person in the whole world" at a recent weekly "McDermotCulcha" style awards -your woman is simply class."
-"She's the people's Personality she is!"

"As soon as she walked into my life, I knew it was over."

"25%, 33% -all tariffs available at no cost!"

"She was the kind of secretary you would expect to find playing bedsheet bingo with her boss every Friday afternoon at the Shangri-La motel."

"and then you get yourself down the beach and guess what? All them sunloungers 'been already taken by the Krauts!!" (laughter) "Them sunloungers - the Krauts!" (laughter) "'Tell you what though. Tell you what you could do, right? ... Think clever. Think clever is what. Sprinkle some itchy BEEPin' powder on them towels next time you come back from a night on the tiles. Problem solved right away!" (laughter) "Sprinkle some itchy BEEPin' powder and you'll have the sundeck to yourself for the rest of your holidays!!" (applause)

“First question to Kevin. If I was stranded on an island and you were a fruit, what tropical fruit would you be and why?”

Lamb-a-Jaysus, isn't this like totally exhausting or what?

Too right it is -like totally! Exhausting as a Tuesday or listening to someone else's dreams (and a heavy load of rank old bollix to boot). Surely noone in their right mind would have enjoyed any of this, how could anyone conceive anything as preposterous? And yet and yet... someone just did, they must have done. I do declare, nothing's as widespread as other people's bad taste. 

TV's stunning, it's a stunner alright. It pulls you in and takes over; before you know it, TV owns you ("Can't talk now, The Simpsons are on!") and won't let go. It hypnotises you and keeps you under its spell. True that, switch a telly on in a room, any room, and everybody's eyes are automatically drawn to it. It's like your brain's reacting "What's that movement at the periphery, is it dangerous? Need to find out!" And so you have it, moving images = captive audience, so when I hear "plugged in", I need to ask: Who's the one plugged in here? Who's the one in charge? 'Tis a rare feat to be able to stand to a machine (and not rage against it like a JohnnyRay faced with XXIst century technology: "I must tell you a good on love, this morning coming out of the car-park, the ticket machine thanked me! It actually thanked me for paying the ticket! What the bleedin hell was that about?? Are they keeping tabs on us?? What next?? The hair-dryer telling me not to forget to wash me hands when I go to the jacks??"). The way I see it, TV disables your defences and fires straight at your pleasure centre, it makes a beeline to your credit card without so much as a "and now a word from our sponsors" for your trouble. I mean, "Buy ten - get one free" ....who could resist? "Look it, poodles dyed pink! Aren't they adorable?" I've been leasing my brain all afternoon, I have to concur with MC DJ and his blonde cohort Daeveenah: yes, pink poodles are the epitome of adorable. And the white-toothed goon goes "Pay attention: this is the science bit" -I'm so ready for another miraculous technological innovation- "You won't believe your eyes" he adds suggestively, and then delivers the coup-de-gras: "The answer... after the break." Stay tuned, don't go away. 

The result is, I'm seeing stars. Literally. I see stars dancing in the air like when guys insist on taking snaps of us on a night out and they blind us with X-ray flashes designed to highlight our complexion (you bet), I'm all dazzled. The box has sure been working its magic, butterflies flash across my eyelids every time I make the mistake of turning my head too fast. 'Soon as I close my eyes, I see strange UV lizards zigzag across; try to hold it and refocus, nothing doing they're still flashing. The rest of the room has gone steadily grey and died a blurry mist.

Dust flecks are floating through the air. I can see them by the lampshade, they hover nonchalantly this way and that way, this way and that way, and they change course with every breath I take.

Which reminds me. Whatever happened to "sugar rush", when exactly did it visit me? These chockies, they didn't deliver; by now I should be bursting with energy! I ought to be all over the place more pumped up than Jordan's boobs! The walls should be rocking to the killer sounds of "Call On Meeeee", "And IIIII Start To Wonder" or "Saturday Night" ("I'll take you to the tseup"), something upbeat like that! But no, something's gone terribly wrong here. I'm all flat out. Pancake / lead balloon / snow in the sun etc.. I feel crappy cranky grouchy grumpy -and definitely affected with a touch of annoyance, is this a case of "televisual fatigue"? What a rip-off. I've stuffed myself silly all day and don't feel euphoric, I just feel shite like my belly's full of chewing-gum (yuck). These calories, where did they go? (And-another-thing, dust...: where's it come from?) I'd have been better off mainlining Valium for all I know, it's just another instance of RipOffIrelandInc., like! It's all in vain. ...Failure has followed me all the way to my bloodstream.

“Folded or scrunched up? Scrunched up of course –you use less sheets.”

"And to present our special award, please give a big big hand to the one and only, miss Jane Goody!" I locate the remote under the sticky layer and switch it off. "Bziiit". There, done, the room falls silent. The flat instantly feels slightly colder, I lie down to some attempt thinking. Time flies down the drain.

Think strength of character Lily, think bouncingbackability; get (back) into the groove and outta that rut! After all it's only been, what, a few weeks at best... probably less than an Italian government lasts or something. At the end of the day, it's gotto be better this way: better now than later! Time for the climb-back to begin yeah! Water under the bridge says I, water under the bridge and burn the fecking thing down while we're at it. Seriouslythough, maudlin shite is totally not becoming... What has become of Lily Monaghan eh! The voice on the scene with her finger on the pulse? The afternoon perk and aural relief in person? Come back to your senses and get on with it! Get back to work ya big dosser!!

Get back to work... now this is a pretty valid suggestion, I am thinking.  A sound piece of advice. Concrete, constructive... just what the doctor ordered. Something to occupy my mind, something to motivate / reactivate. Surely the best way to forget about don't-mention-him must be to get my skates on and knuckle down, knuckle down big time! Let's get back into the swing of things and turn the page, let's make up for lost time and prove him wrong (whoever he is). My so-called life, 'must have got my eyes off the prize I did! How did I ever allow myself to get sidelined? Much as it hurts, maybe your man was right, maybe Timothy was onto something when he totally lay into me... he sussed me out, he recognised the danger. Huh. Ain't it easier to see through others though!

And with these words, I experience a strange blend of acceptance and defiance, with both emotions vying for supremacy within the limits of this heavy stomach (Burp!). Deffo need to get back into the loop girl, deffo need to pick up the threads, oh I feel a new resolution coming on, it's like New Year's Day and Eddie Hobbs rolled into one!
"Fiercely grabbing her courage with both hands, she held it high above her head for all to see and -lo!- they saw it was genuine leather. The bull firmly held by the horns as she picked up the gauntlet, Lily Pandora rose off her synthetic (don't hot machine-wash it) couch and struck a pose. "Destiny!" defiantlied she, "You may have dealt me a rotten hand when you rolled the dice, you may have taken me up the garden path and from behind with no warning, this time I am picking the long straw, this time I am slapping you in the face fair and square and do proclaim I'm back! Hear hear! For I'm coming to reclaim the pieces you tore me to! Yes I'm back and this time... it's like totally!""
Right so.
So where do I start now? How do I get back?

I knew there was something, something I meant to chase... now what was it again? There was this like option on the back burner...

That's it, the "Herald" gig! Sean's promise! Well when I say "promise"... as promising as can be when not committing to a non-applicant who is not making any claim to a non-official position, that is. Now what was it he said again? .... Can't remember. Can't remember his exact words. Quite evasive, he was... evasive but at the same time not unsupportive. Encouraging. 'Said he'd get back in touch, something along these lines. Well here's a half-full glass if I know one! Which can only call for one course of action: need to make sure and remind him, must get on the blower straightaway, get proactive and all yeah.
But first may need to sober up.

*actual plot detail taken from the Nicholas Cage's vehicle "8 MM" lol)

a coven of witches

-"Hello Sean? This is Lily."
-"Lily."
-"How's things with you? Hope I'm not interrupting anything...?"
-"No no you're grand. Well, you know... busy busy busy. The usual. Same old shite different day. Another day, another euro. Nice to get a call then, 'quick break won't do no harm. So. How 'you keeping?"
-"Ah not too bad not too bad so... And you, how's work?"
-"Work? Oh since you ask, up to me neck I am, up to me neck, sometimes I just wonder... Bunch of spanners them all -Always need me to hold their hand! Have to supervise everything they do you know? everything they write. Is getting worse all the time, that. No professional conscience, no pride in their work. They expect me to check and double-check everything myself, it never ends!
To be honest widcha Lily, sometimes I'm just raging. Raging! 'Feels like all they actually do is get their copy over and done with and dump it all on someone's desk for correction and who might that someone be? Who? That's right, your old buddy that is!"
-"Oh dear"

-"Never on message. Don't pull together as a team."

-"Huh"

-"Like I don't have enough on my hands already, like I don't bust me guts 24/7 oh I tell you, I tell you Lily, that bunch of useless chancers... they do my head in, no joke. They'll drive me bonkers!"

-"Sorry to hear"

-"And you should be! 'Think they show any respect towards myself? Do they feck! Going over their work, I come across some shocking stuff Lily, proper shocking. You'd think they never heard of a spelcheck."
-"Right-so, it's a worry"
-"Or constructing simple grammatical sentences right -Is that so hard to do? Huh? I don't get paid to learn them the basics do I?"
-"Of course you aren't"
-"Somedays I get this feeling Lily, it's like these egg-heads have spent so long crunching numbers with their noses plonked in financial tables that they've forgot how to speak proper!"
-"Ah look at them, ain't that a shame"
-"I shit you not Lily, these PhD this, these PhD that and Mickey Mouse degrees, they're so up themselves... they can't communicate simple anymore! They can't come up with a simple understandable op-ed byline for their long-suffering Sub-Editor let alone end-users! They continue like that, they'll end up wrongsiding their own targets!
Ah yes... somedays I wonder y'know? I wonder why bother at all -Closet culchies the whole lot of them! Closet culchies or pretend Brits. But anyway. Anyway whatever. What about yourself, whass the story?"
-"Well actually -funny you should ask- I just wanted to touch base like, I seemed to remember there was something I 'been meaning to ask about if you had five minutes to spare... Would you have five minutes to spare by any chance?"
-"Five minutes? Er sure... go ahead, what's on your mind? Anything for our Lily."
-"Right so."
-"...as long as you're not phoning me on behalf of them jokers ha ha!"
-"Ha ha, oh no! Just to reassure you. Anyway I have no doubt you're perfectly able to handle them yourself"
-"You bet I am!"
-"More power to you! So anyway -right- here's what I 'been meaning to ask about er... Now then. Just the other day I remembered... Do you remember 'last time we met for coffee -it would have been, what, a couple of weeks back?- you were after telling me about some, er, development on the horizon -I presume you meant development at the paper, right?"
-"Er sure... Sure, I remember yeah. Now let me think. ... Ah yes, we did!"

-"We were catching up and you were after telling me something was in the pipeline... Mentioned something about a decision of some kind..." 

-"Huh... 'may have briefly touched upon the subject if memory serves but..."
-"Right-so. And do you remember how you were telling me maybe I could be of help, you'd keep me posted and all?"
-"Hmm no, as a matter of fact Lily I don't actually recall being that specific. For sure we may have, er, discussed various subjects that'd be likely but"
-"But you remember that one though? That massive yoke that was doing your head in at the time"
-"Well y-ess maybe I did, but then again maybe I didn't"
-"And maybe I could get involved you said, maybe I could be of help in some respect or"
-"To be perfectly honest Lily, not in so many words no but... let's suppose I did so"
-"Grand. Well I'd just like to -just like I said- 'd just like to stay in the loop like, maybe have a quick chat about this mysterious project you were on about, like check whether the offer -or even the possibility of an offer, call it what you want- is still out there... you know."
-"Right right... Hmm."
-"This project you're looking at... may I hazard the guess it's not firmed up yet? It's not official?"
-"Hmm"
-"Well anyway, whatever it is -Let's just say I'm always keen to get involved in new projects"
-"Right"
-"I'm always up for it me, a right devil for challenges! You know my game: interviews, portraits, reports, reviews, bulletins... I'm totally versatile! Anything you throw at me, whatever you have on your plate I'm game! I am easy! You know me Sean"
-"Sure I do"
-"you know my track record, it's there for all to see. Don't want to blow me own trumpet"

-"'Course not"

-"but my experience in these matters, my versatility... I like to rise up to the occasion and get outside my comfort zone, you know?"
-"Ah that is grand, that"
-"So I guess what I'm saying here is, what I'm saying is... I'm up for whatever, frankly. I'm up for it. I'll tackle whatever is on the cards. 'Think I'd like that. It's not a bad idea to get stretched sometime (ooh missus) so how's that sound? 'Think it could work? Seeing you may have something up your sleeve and I'm dead up for stuff... Doesn't it make sense?"

Unsettling silence. Keep at it, just keep at it.

"And, 'funny thing is, I don't even know what was in store!" (get the girlish giggle in)  "'Don't even know what it was you had on your mind but. It's just I like the idea of it, I like a bit of a challenge. Always up, always raring to go that's me!"

The bugger's still keeping shtumm.

 "So may I ask if there's been, hmm, any development since we talked? any update? Anything shaping up...? Confidentially speaking of course. You don't have to be specific Sean, just give me a brief outline if you want, you know you can trust me."
-"And that's a grand thing to know, good girl yourself! I certainly have to hand it you Lily, 'must congratulate you on your determination -very commendable, that- but listen, hmm, 'thing is, the situation... " (clears his throat) "I'm not 100% the situation is so simple..."
-"Is not?"
-"All things being equal, no."
-(??) "Ah never mind that Sean, don't let complications bother you -Let me take care of them! I'm very pragmatic me, very pragmatic, I’m the original realist. Sure, sure situations may appear complex at first sight -isn't it always the case?- but I prefer to look at the bigger picture -I just keep my eyes on the finishing line y'know?"

-"Spoken like a true Dub! I certainly have to applaud your spirit here Lily, very commendable, and I sure share your determination to go the extra mile, give it 110%, that's the spirit! If only some numpties here could be as proactive! but there you see... How can I put this? ...the problem is, it's not like I have the last word on everything -now wouldn't it be a blast eh!- it's not like I'm Chief Ed'"
-"Ha ha back to you, oh but surely this unfair state of affairs shouldn't last too long, right? What with an industrious young man such as yourself doing such a grand job sorting out these numpties! Joking aside Sean, I totally appreciate what you're saying but don't be so modest. Clearly your opinions carry a lot of clout at the paper. By the way, I take it that I was right then?"
-"That you were right? Right about what?"
-"In assuming that this big change, it was some change at the "Herald": Yes or no? Clever girl or dumb bimbo?"
-"Oh but you're a clever girl Lily, no-one'd ever doubt that!"
-"Why thank you Sean, thanks a million. So 'tell you what, let me give you my gut feeling, what I'm guessing, you got me thinking yeah? Got me wondering. It's like I said, you know me Sean, 'can't help sniffing for stories! So there I was, right?, wondering what this secret might be, what it'd involve, and here's my take on what's happening -You be the judge if I'm wide of the mark..."
-"OK, go right ahead and indulge me"
"-Now then. Here's what I think. My bet I would be, you guys are plotting some kind of overhaul at the paper, the details of which I can only guess at. Maybe yous want to reach out to a wider audience, maybe yous just want to update the auld institution -in any case, what I reckon is a new deal is on the cards. ‘New formula. Maybe it means new staff on the ground...? or new subjects...?"

-"Hmm"

-"a new style of sorts...? Whatever it is, I sense potential here. I sense opportunities. I'd say someone who knows Dublin’s scene like the back of their hand may come in handy, someone with their finger on the pulse like…?” (Huh? See what I'm getting at yet ya big turnip!!)"

-"Carry on..."

-"Maybe someone already established, whose name readers would recognise... I'd say this type of writer’d come in useful." ... "Think about it Sean, how perfect it would it be... I'm sure you will agree, this scenario looks pretty deadly, right? like totally beneficial to both parties..."

Silence –pretty much like "EastEnders" for a reason the BBC keeps to itself- continues.

"I'd say it would! So what are your thoughts, big man?"
-"Well well well... oh but you're very cute Lily, very cute indeed! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you’re one dead sharp number -that's our Lily and no mistake! In fact what you came up with is uncanny..."
-"Why thanks a million Sean, you're not half-dumb yourself if I may say"
-"Heh heh, now then! Now then missy, flattery'll get you nowhere! ‘Only thing though... only thing is, just like I said I'm not quite sure I'm in a position to help you here Lily. Much as I'd like to, goes without saying! I certainly welcome your interest though, it's always good to receive appreciatement from our readers, hell yeah, it's good to know that all our hard work don't go unappreciated and folks out there want to get involved!"

-"Right, right"

-"Now that is grand -Fair dues to you Lily! Your offer’s much appreciated and I'm real impressed"
-"You're real impressed but..."
-"But the job's already gone."
-"The job's already what??"
-"Yes I'm afraid. Already gone."
-"So there was a job?"
-"Yes."
-"At the paper?"
-"Yes."
-"And who got it?"
-"Well there you see... here is the thing: The appointment had nothing to do with me, you know? The, er, member of staff who got the position happens to be the Sports Editor's god-daughter so there you are. Not my decision. Way above me. Very sorry Lily -but tell you what"

-"The who?? Lord Kick-a-ball's god-daughter?"

-"...'m sure you would have done exceptionally well."

-"And who is she, Sean? How old is she, to start with? What's she ever written??"
-"I'm not er, completely sure about the details, haven't actually met her you see"
-"You haven't met her. And have you read her work at least? Where can I find some of her prose, I'd be curious to read any, produced any good piece lately? ...any at all? Please put my mind at ease Sean: 'this girl any good?"
-"Well I... I'm very confident she is perfectly qualified for the position ...since she got the job so."
-"What 'you saying? That she's better than me?"
-"No no, nothing of the sort! Am juss sayin', is all. 'Tis not for me to judge anyway, 'tis not for me but the readers -They'll give their verdict in due time, now that’s for sure. If anything Lily -Ha! It's a funny one alright- if anything you'd have been almost overqualified"

-"Eh?"

-"being er, already too experienced and all..."

-...

-"But to be perfectly honest with you -And here I 'godda be brutally frank, right?- in these post 9/11 days, we need to do some serious regrouping, company-wise. We need to shape up and double-quick. Look after the business first and foremost, think back within the box. We've godda effect the changes that are required and ensure that the envelope doesn't stray too far off the table."

-...

"See Lily, for ourselves at the helm, it is of paramount importance that we act responsibly. We have to make abso-lu-te-ly-sure that we meet head-on the challenges set to us by our ever-changing work environment. We need to play it safe, if you prefer. Have to act responsible and be absolutely clear on that, you know. We need to send the strongest possible message to our stakeholders, that is to say our respected audience..."

-"Well"

-"…we have to show character and can't flag down. We can't flag down. Man up, yeah! It's what our readers would have wanted. They expect no less from us. Responsibility, reliability and -er- authority. You don't have to be crazy to work here -cos' if you are, go look elsewhere! Now Nullig's a respected member of the team -been here for donkeys years he has- and so I guess if there's anyone in-house that can instil a sense of discipline and uphold the "Herald"'s highest standards into this young lady's work that's got to be him, no? Proper character, mission statement... sense of integrity... clear end product. At the end of the day, makes perfect sense. Nullig's your man for the mission. His god-daughter it is then.

-"Right..."

-"It's like this global warming yoke: Think about it for a second. ... There. See what I mean?"

-"Er not really, no."
-"I mean, the bottom line of the result-driven benchmark dictates the general mood, right? Can't swim against the current, can we? So like I said, at this moment in time we have to take care of the paper and protect our hierarchy in place. Give due respect to the trust our stakeholders have invested in us, take note of the support our readers give us day in day out... We've got to pay them back! No two ways about it see, no room for margin. It is of critical importance we uphold our proud tradition and enforce its demanding standards -No room for errors can be tolerated! Nullig's your go-to man so, we've got to respect that. If we all pull together as a team, there is no end to the take-home message we can rightfully aspire to, it's critical at this juncture!
Now like I said, I have no doubt -no doubt whatsoever- that you would have done exceptionally well in this position Lily, if there's any greater fan of yourself than me I've yet to meet them! but, er... but sacrifices sadly have to be made, much as it pains me to say. If only it weren't for this blasted geo-political uncertainty all 'round!"
-"Forgive me Sean, but what's the geo-political situation got to do with"
-"And I agree! I totally agree! Don't get me wrong here, it's all gone FUBAR, and this is why -Hang on a sec'"

Muffled sound of Sean covering his phone and talking to someone else:
"Not now Liam! Not now, can't you see I'm busy? Come back later yeah? Give me two minutes chief, just two minutes, get back to me and we'll go over it -Promise!"

Comes back to me:
"Like I was explaining, ‘totally agree with you here. The fact of the matter is, this is one political correctness gone too far, political correctness gone mad and no mistake! Oh I don't know Lily, I just don't know... Sometimes -between you and me yeah?- sometimes I just despair. Our great leaders, they seem to think they know better. Take the Chief Ed... the senior staff... the Board of Directors -What exactly do they know about reporting? When was the last time they got themselves down on the street to chew the fat with your man? Personally if you ask me, I would never have recommended her if it had been down to myself but what can you do eh? What can you do..."
-"Er, maybe put in a good word for me?"
-"Of course I would! You know I would! In fact am pretty sure I did -and more than once, too, if memory serves right- but the thing is, see... the thing is, you were not around I have to say, you were not in the running as it were, when the decision got taken... To be fair Lily -surely you don't need me reminding you- you never called back after our meeting, am I right or am I right? You know I'm right. It's a pity... a right royal pity. Bummer. I feel your pain, Lily. Totally sympathise. Who knows, with the benefit of hindsight -hindsight's a wonderful thing- maybe I could have pushed for a formal interview at the time, had I only known you'd throw your hat in but -bottom line is- but I'm afraid you never got back to me. Now that's a fact and in any case, in any case this appointment was always gonna be internal matter. Common practice. Realistically noone from the outside, 'know what I mean?"
-"Er, sure, I hear you Sean, hear you alright but... but let me ask you. Is it actually too late? Is it really? After all I don't recall seeing this newbie starting yet ...Has she? is there still time? Maybe the book's not closed yet, maybe there'll be a trial period and she's only on probation... Huh? Surely you guys might like to consider an alternative in case she doesn't make the grade! Now what if -just hear me out here- what if I formally requested an interview for the position… on the off-chance, like? Just to give yous the benefit of an alternative. I can send you samples of my work, that’s no bother"
-"Er, can you hold on just one more sec' Lily? You hold this thought please don't hang up, your call is important to me"

Turns back to that Liam fellow, I can pretty much hear everything he says:
"Liam Liam come back! Actually leave them with me will you, leave them on my desk. I'll get to it right away, we might as well. On my desk, that's right, there's a good man -And while you're here, go tell Niamh to get her arse over, the useless lump, see if she can make sense of any of them -Cheers, pal!"

Gets back to me:
-"Now then Lily. Well I'm afraiiiiid it's a bit late for that you see. Grand idea though, more's the shame." (dramatic sigh) "Grand idea but at the same time 'got me thinking, well... Well all said and done, your suggestion wouldn't look very good for me would it? Picture this: Say I go back upstairs and tell your man I have reservations about his choice ...that might not go down too well, what do you think? 'Specially if I then try to plug a personal friend of mine! Nah that's a no-go option and no mistake.
In any case, I must thank you. I must thank you for your interest in our paper, I feel very flattered that you would consider coming to work for me, who knows, maybe you will... Circumstances may change one day and you'll end up doing just that... Just imagine! Ah yes -and let me tell you univocally I'll make it very clear- it would be smashing to have you on board should the opportunity arise!"
-"Right so..."
-"Ah don't be sore now, don't be a bad loser, I understand your disappointment, truly I share your pain and you know what? Well that's OK actually, that's perfectly OK to feel disappointed -In fact I salute your reaction, it does credit to your professional conscience, it speaks volumes, that, total volumes. If only more people measured up!"

-"Thanks a million bu"

-"So believe me when I say this: I totally understand. After all, whoever said it's gonna be easy? We all encounter blimps along the way don't we! Take me for instance: I never thought it'd take so long to get to my position, ‘got knocked back so many times -but I did it! ‘Got there in the plush chair dinn't I! Almost half a dozen souls under my command and my own parking space! So let that be an example to you, don't give up just yet luv'! In life one needs to take the rough with the smooth, you need to grin and bear it like tomorrow’s another day and when a door closes a window opens"

-...

"-... Right so. And bear in mind what I said: Who knows? Who knows, maybe one day we'll be able to find you something to write about? Huh? How'd you like that? Wouldn't it be fun? Sadly not now. Not just right now."
-"OK, 'get it."
-"I'll tell you what though. I'll tell you what maybe we could do, seeing how disappointed you sound and all, I have an idea... It's not much of an idea but it may be of help. Right. Given you had your hopes up for that position and that position's regrettably gone, what you may want now is cheering up, right? You wanna get some perspective like, some good advice, some company... so what about -I'm just thinking aloud here, right?- what about yourself and me meet up for a quiet chat about it? How'd you feel about that? Let's say we meet up for a consolation drink. We'll do the post-mortem. Let's say next time I log myself some time off and treat myself to a spot of golf / go on the tiles, we meet up in town -why not Caf' En Sceine for example? We'll shoot the crap... chillax a bit... let's get ourselves some nice cocktails –‘first one's on me, too! Now how's that sound? Wicked enough? In fact -Heh heh!- maybe by then your woman will have actually started and we'll have ourselves a good laugh at her efforts know what I mean? Now what 'you say? 'Be up for it?"
-"Sounds like a mad night alright but er, but am afraid I'll have to take a raincheck this week, 'feel a bit under the weather right now to be honest..."
-"Oh is that so? I understand. I understand. Well anytime this coming month. You pick the date, I'll let you know if convenient for me. In the meantime, you mind yourself. You get better and work on your positivity, as for myself... say I'll give you a bell so, 'see how you 'keeping, 'take it from there, like. OK?"
-"OK..."
-"Grand! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm afraid that -'much as I love talking to you Lily- I have some work to do. The spanners await, I have no choice. Jaysus, sometimes I don't know what's worse: handling that shower or working down the mi"

I switch him off.


–exit right and fade to black: Nena-“Es Wird Schon Weitergehen”

Chapter 18 Other People's Concerns, Or Luncheon With Father

-Da: "I've been getting these queer emails from someone in Tokyo lately... Takashi, goes by the name. Sounds like a big fan or as he puts it: he is big fan!"

-Me: "Good for him!"

The time is now and I am currently "enjoying" my weekly date with Da when I pretend to invite him out and he pretends to let me pay. Goes like clockwork: Dutiful daughter turns up at old man's place, despairs at the state of it, suggests lunch out, proposes various eateries, then we argue. We drive around for a while, I point out places along the way, he "thinks about it", and we end up at the same Indian. Once there, your man calls for a Tiger beer and makes a point of ordering his curry hot "and I mean hot, right? No pussy-ersed flavour for me you hear? Don't be taking me for no white-bread newbie and go easy on the spices -I 'been to India me! In fact even played there in me own days!" The usual waiter smiles indulgently and makes sure to scribble it all down ("old wants-it-hot fart on premises, start pouring"). I have my own different rule of thumb when it comes to curry: If it scalds my finger, I don't put it in my mouth. Obviously rock-stars see it different, they have an attitude to build and street cred' to defend, eh. They can't get caught loosening their belt or use a handkerchief -cos' there's bound to be someone, somewhere, with a camera-phone that'll record their faux-pas and send it to PopBitch. A rocker always has to maintain a degree of hostility. The way our meal traditionally ends belongs to a cartoon: Da's face turns steadily redder with the occasional manful tear pearling up as he almost clears his plate, he then thanks the waiter with a strangled voice and, as soon as we hit the street, goes through two hankies (of mine naturally) in a vain attempt to soothe his melting brow. "Now that was some proper curry that, no messin' about with the spices -Proper authentic! Not for tourists! Aahhh... hits all the right places like it should, I'm so happy I could fart! (Huh, probably shouldn't though.) Now be an angel and pass me another napkin petal". Me, I just oblige in order to stock up on vegetables. Isn't it simply shameful though, our little do represents my one weekly opportunity to eat healthy: veggies, soya, pulse, green stuff, red stuff, no additives or hardly any, squishy and full of juice, leaves of whatever, portions straight off the land, vitamins, proteins, all these sorts of things. Can't exactly say I'm otherwise very good at feeding myself properly what with my constant buzzing about and incredibly glamorous lifestyle (cough cough), so I'd better make the most of it. I do dutifully buy my five portions a day, I swear -it's just somehow I have a habit of letting them go bad, oh but the familiar stink of black bananas... (By the way, portion of "potato wedges" down Nassau Street: 2 Euro. Cross a couple of roads to Parliament Street: they're 1,75. And from the same franchise obviously.)

Right now Da is after telling me stuff about this, that and the other thing. Naturally I am all ears.

-"Now this Takashi bloke yeah... knows all me lyrics and stuff, peppers his emails with quotes from 15 year old songs -Fair play to him! At least someone's been paying attention! To be perfectly honest widcha though, I sometime get the feeling he's trying to convince me of something, 'wants to impress me or. Ah well, fair fecks to him, knock yourself out if you insist! Most flattering I have to admit, most flattering... isn't yer man gas all the same! Ah yes, 'cracking read his emails make... proper hardcore in their own right! These foreigners always come across like they learnt English from rock songs!"

-"Fair play to him" feel obliged to offer I. Now what's on the menu today... Nothing that wasn't already there last week and the year before. This includes of course the "chicken and chips" option for those who you really have to wonder why choose to come have their tea here.

Da has sprawled himself on his usual spot overlooking the busy street below and hooks his thumbs into the pockets of his "vintage jeans" contentedly. "Vintage jeans", i.e. the kind that is sold complete with patches of denim artfully woven around the holes at its knees, thighs and arse -And to think this is the man who not so long ago would have the audacity to ground me ("And where exactly you think you're going Missy? You ain't going out dressed like that now that's for sure! Why don't you wear that lovely sweater your nan's given you for Christmas?"). JohnnyRay selects his main course ...he goes for the tandoori chicken. "Very wise choice Sir, do you want it hot by any chance?" He starts licking his lips in expectation (the first pint won't take too long) as he's only getting warmed up. He's only getting warmed to tackle his favourite topic, that is. Namely himself.

-"I always say... You get the maddest fans in the strangest parts you know, the least expected ...ah yes the world is full of surprises. Forget playing Whelan's, forget playing The Point, the Town And Country Club or Brixton Academy -although we did open there once, we did! Forget about "Hot Press" and sucking up to these journos, forget even playing Gaybo -he da one who gave Boyzone to the world when these clowns hadn't even released a single!- no, no, the hardcore fans, see, they have a habit of popping up from somewhere else altogether. Somewhere unexpected. Always left me flummoxed."

I am trying to formulate a constructive response to Timothy's criticism in my head and I have to suffer another lecture, this time on rock fandom. ...Grrrand. Fortunately my entrée arrives -some kind of leaves with grass and plants, soaking in a sauce of some description- and I get a reprieve. I am generously allowed to tuck in:

"Go on love, you start ahead! (...before your petri dish stuff starts sprouting flowers hmmm...) ' Catch up with you 'soon's they're ready with me little treat! I'm like starving, me, 'could eat a dog's bollox through a tennis racket!"

-(Groan)

-" ...although I do worry about their seasoning sometime y'know? Most joints in town, they tend to go easy on the spices, 's always a risk... Most of them I'd say they do the job but, hey, they don't roast the potatoes know what I mean? You want to be mad to have Tandoori without proper spices! Right so...

Any good? Huh? I take it that's a "yes" then, ah that's grand. Get it all down love, get it all down! Fill your boots, a body like yours... You need to start feeding yourself proper Lily... About time you learnt eh? I'll tell you what when I was your age, we had nothing to eat but rashers! Rashers and spud. Gravy if we were lucky."

Getting criticised is never a pleasant experience at the best of times. But sensing that the person slagging you actually has a point makes it much worse. Hurts much deeper. It goes beyond natural sensitivity: it hits home. Sure, instinct dictates your first reaction and you want to ignore it altogether ("just who do they think they are / how dare they / they're just being jealous" etc.) but the thing is... sometimes you can't.
You can't always ignore criticism and hope it'll go away -It won't. Things don't work like that and you can't pretend nothing happened. The sad truth is, you can't bury your head in the sand when you recognise the validity of the point being made.

-"So this Takashi bloke, he recently starts pestering me -pestering me in the nicest way mind- 'tells me our records still play in Tokyo clubs, or some radios out there. Says that them Japs are right devils for us! Can't get enough of the ColdHeat experience! That they're crazy for us or so he says! ...or to coin a phrase -heh heh, you brace yourself, pet- turns out we're big in Japan ha ha ha ha ha!"

You can't blank it out when you realise your accuser is addressing a real problem. When he's pointing out a flaw of character that you yourself may have been aware of, that you have been only too aware of, in fact. And that you did your damned utter best to keep hidden from scrutiny. It's the old trick of monopolising conversation isn't it, to keep control of a situation. To overcompensate.

-"...'s basically talking about raising our profile there, imagine that! "Keeping the ColdFlame burning" as our own poster said! (heh heh) 'Don't mind telling you luv', but that's one line your old man came up with in his own days -Pretty cute eh? "Keep the ColdFlame burning"! They don't teach that at school. But anyways. Back to the point. Mentioned arranging some promo maybe, even some public appearances at megastores -you know the kind"

Everyone suffers self-doubts at times, it's only natural. "Am I good enough? Am I pretty? Will anyone take me seriously?" Then what usually follows is you cover up these self-doubts as self-preservation kicks in to save the day. In this day-n-age, you can't drop guard and leave yourself exposed, you have to soldier on and play the game, water off the duck's back and all that. So you go ahead, you carry on. You give the audience a little twirl, a pretence to laugh at you, and then as the clock comes up to five, you hit them right between the chops with a decisive punch-line. Done! We're dry and safe.
Or so I thought.
I thought I was playing it clever, I thought that everything was going hunky-dory and why shouldn't it? As long as my contracts were signed, my assignments renewed, I could just carry on, steady as she goes, and so I did. I had me a stint on the radio here, an occasional report in a mag there, Mr. Bossman looked reasonably happy, kept employing me. It's all been proved an illusion.
Now how can I realistically redress the situation? How can I get Posho's trust back?

"...you get paid to sit behind a table and have a gargle or three for a "meet and greet" sesh, scribble your signature on a few CDs, t-shirts, and if you're in luck, a rack or two heh heh -er, cross that thought, I didn't say nothing. But anyways! Anyway, sounds like a lark. Great craic I'd say. Jaysus Lily, your man's even inviting us to tour he actually suggested ...... Even inviting us to tour I said. ... Huh? OK. So like I said, he comes across like he's some kind of a big shot back there: mentioned tattooing me face all over his back..."

-"Good man himself!"

Should I go on the proactive and phone him for a chat? (A proper chat that is, not like the one I endured from the other sleazebag.) Would that be a good idea now that the dust's settled? To clear the air like, to set the record straight. Am I really coasting? Did he really see me falling into this habit?
Only this time without shouting if I can help it; this time without calling him a douchebag, must remember to keep my cool.

-"...getting Bertie smashed on sake next time he pops up on official visit, get him to establish a Japan-ColdHeat partnership day what do you think of that? The works, the full Monty and the complete Gerry Adams, two peas in a pod, tight as thieves. Says what he'd do, right? what he'd do is invite some of them sumo players round his gaff, some of them sumo players and have them compete against O'Driscoll -the B.O.D. himself!-, O'Driscoll  alongside Shane Horgan, Ronan O'Gara, Peter Stringer, Jerry Springer... George Hook, David Norris, Sinead Jennings... Panti Hose... Louis Walsh, Dustin the turkey..."

-"Sounds like a plan alright"

Then again, everyone would surely agree he was way out of order, slagging me on air the way he did -Too right I got upset! Never saw it coming, could I? There I was, busy keeping my end of the bargain getting the laughs -it's not like he's got too many to spare in his program has he- and he comes up with this patronising put-down straight out of nowhere, no warning signs -You bet I was vivid!

..... OK OK, with hindsight maybe that segment was not my finest hour, maybe I had undercooked it a bit and cut a few corners, just the one or ten... Maybe I did. Maybe I should have seen it coming, all things being equal. Huh.

-"...dip some geishas in the Liffey, serve them with rashers -'bit of rice on the side, easy on the mayo, hold the lettuce I'm on a diet!- rinse and repeat, beagles will drink pints of coffee if you don't watch them, don't feed the gondolas, you know what they say about cold hands? Bad circulation. ..... Lily, can I go and play on the road?"

-"Sure, by all means!"

-"Oh I can't wait to get started -I'll send the call, right? Get the lads 'round. We'll build sandcastles in the middle of the street -even Southsiders and Trinners students welcome!- and then we'll play "spin the bottle" with them mad nuns from up the road. Say we'll take on the pigs, we'll burn our bras, we'll invite Rangers for a friendly at Croker. You know I always wanted to be a airhostess, right?"

-"You be my guest!"

"-It's like that Mary Harney y'know... nice little ride, ain't she? There she was, speaking up at the Dail just the other day, wearing nothing but a smile. Says I, surely, this can't be right, huh? A vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar. Barman goes: Is this a joke? Surely the best way to smuggle drugs through an airport would be to stick them up a dog's arse -Think about it... Beethoven was so deaf, he was so deaf that all his life he thought he was a painter. And then these players swanning about in gloves: Whatever next? Wearing helmets?? Not only does the EU want to ban bendy bananas, it wants to force circus acrobats to wear crash-helmets for Health and Safety reasons. I swears. 'Bloke down the pub told me. Talk to me brown love, sometimes I feel like a motherless child, a right motherless child talking to the wall..."

....

....

I grow aware of a lack of noise at the other end of the table. Sounds like we're experiencing a lull in the conversation. In his conversation, that is. Why, I can even hear myself think! That's right, this time for sure, call me a cab and drop me in the middle of Bawnogue Village if the motormouth hasn't stopped blathering on! Treble "??" here. What happened? Has Da lost the tongue he once famously insured? Did the spices finally get to him? (If only.)
I stare at him. He stares at me.

-"Lily. Lily darling.
You haven't heard a word I said did you?"

-"Did I, didn't I? Of course I did! Why, right now you were after telling me about  your er... you know... about your man -that's right, about your man! The one back in Japan who's like... this fan of yours. Sends you emails he does ...and rugby things too, and rugby things, he's like Your Biggest Fan. Sends you emails he does....
.........Isn't it mad though? A fan from Japan! Who would have thought eh, who would have thought. It's like sometime you get fans from the least expected places, ah but what a wonderful world we live in to be sure, wonderful world that, getting to correspond with people from all around the globe who care for you and you care for them like you've known each other your entire life -How's your chicken by the way? Not too mild I hope? Suitably gut-melting? Huh? Huh?? ... What's that look on your face now, why 'you looking at me like that? I'm not gonna pick at your chicken, it's not chips ha! Now then, what's up with you now?"

-"What's up with me, what's up with me? What's the matter with you more like! Cut the crap now will you Lily and stop messin' about! Why the long face? You've hardly touched your food!! Think I haven't noticed? Well I've got news for you young lady, you can't fool me: I know you. I know you better than you think! So what's going on here, mind telling me? You 'what, you 'wondering if you've left the gas on at home or something?"

Oh no, not another scene, I've had my fill lately! I look away and feel the familiar tightening in my fingers.

"... Total silence. What happened to my bubbly Lily, what's the matter? Ever since we've arrived you've done nothing but push your food around your plate and stare at the napkin, you haven't listened to a single word I said except for five minutes then you switched off.
Is it me? Something I said? Is your old man boring you? (Even more than the usual, no, don't answer that.) ...... What's going on Lily?"

It feels like someone's opened a window and I shiver.

"Why don't you tell me, 'you having difficulties of some sort? Personal kind? Financial? Professional? 'You in some kind of trouble? Why don't you tell me sweetheart, tell me what's going on instead of just sitting there pulling a face like cricket's on the telly..."

Oh no. Oh no I can't face it please God, not another trial I've had my fill! I feel like a punching ball, like everyone's having a go at me, just what is this? the Lily Interrogation Week, everyone welcome, please form an orderly queue? Is this what's going on??

-"Huh? What's going on then? Why not tell me sweetheart, please talk to me... maybe I'll be able to help... Who knew, maybe the old fart's not completely useless... huh? Maybe I can try..., give it a go? What do you say? ..... But first you need to talk to me love, you need to tell me what's going on, I can't be of use if I don't know what's bothering my beautiful and brilliant little girl, right?"

Mountain-sized sighs build up inside me and I'm losing the will to fight them back, 'can't be taking any more for much longer, didn't sign up for this! Can't be going through another examination of my character, don't wanna give an Account Of Myself oh not again! It wasn't on the script, wasn't on the menu -For crying out loud, what do they all want from me?? I'm only here for a quick joke or two, I'm only meant to amuse the gallery and feck off home, not be subjected to interrogations!

Meanwhile Da, ever the consummate psychologist, is applying another layer from his side of the  chicken.

-"Well then, 'don't wanna tell me? No...? Maybe you think I won't understand, you think I will judge you...? Come ooon, you ought to know better Lily, please credit me with a couple a grey cells still functioning! Now then, is it that bad? Huh? Something you've done? Something's been done to you? That's OK you can tell me, don't imagine I will judge you -I've been around the block meself you know, international rock god that I once was, don't imagine I haven't heard them all already whatever it is. Probably did worse meself!"

The sauce on his plate has stopped steaming like a furnace and is in danger of congealing. It's not going to be any more pleasant to taste when he eventually gets back to it -please get back to it, Da.

-"Sometime, sometime life gets on top of you and you don't know how to react, you can't see your way out of trouble and you're caught in a right pickle, you feel helpless -Like remember when the Union of Musicians wanted to ban the use of synthethisers? Now that came out of the blue, massive panic all 'round! So there we were, wondering how on earth this would work out and yet, and yet we still manag"

Enough! Enough already! Shut up shut up shut up shut UP! Stop torturing me and asking me questions! Questions why, questions how, questions of when, personal questions, pointed questions, questions with only one possible answer, questions of integrity, rhetorical questions -why the hell does everybody keep piling up on me?? I don't have the answers, I don't know what's going on let alone in my life! If you really want to know, people jerk me about and then leave me behind, that's about as much as I can make out! Beyond that... I've no idea! Haven't got a clue! I just came here for peace and quiet, a nice spot of lunch and fecking vegetables, is that so much toand I burst into tears and I fall into my daddy's arms.