prologue

Prologue: Funeral Of The Season

-Moira: "And off we go now to Victoria Gardens for a very special live coverage of this week's Social Funeral brought to you by Carterouge Casinos -"Gambling is fun with Carterouge Casinos"- and to present this program Ladies 'n Gentlemen who better than please be upstanding for here he comes your host the man himself may I give you right away this very moment in person the one and only -Derek Whelan! ... Over to you Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira.

For yes indeeeeed -and a very good afternoon to yous all- this is Derek Whelan speaking, 'hope you're feeling grand -myself smashing super, thanks for asking!-, Derek Whelan on the mike then welcoming yous to this week's Social Funeral "The Biiiiig One" as we find ourselves peering through the gate of the gooooorgeous summer residence of TV celebrity Madleen "Mads" Koszak. Ah yes peering we are -peering with both eyes open too- for we are gathered here today at this very place to pay tribute -nay- pay our deepest respects to Mads' s latest husband -or should I say ex-latest husband ha ha- property developer Dermot McFergus. Dermot, you may recall, is best remembered for giving Dublin a decisive hand -and a finger as well!- onto the ladder to its world class status ah yes by razing to the ground its unsightly tower blocks (tss tss!) and replacing them with the deliiightful McFergus Stables Co. Inc. Ltd. which are a veritable credit to our great horse-racing nation." (breathes in) "The McFergus Stables he literally built, and the "Liffey Riviera" golf course too for it was him -him!-, the man behind the brains of the "Liffey Riviera"! Him and no other!! So move over Donald Trump, move over you greedy bling-bling developers, McFergus's the name! And one suspects it'll always be (at least until the corporate takeover). The McFergus Stables then, the Liffey Riviera: out-stan-ding, simply out-stan-ding yous will agree with me, such is your man's legacy. Memorable for all sorts of reasons, sticking out like nobody's business in our venerable town of proud heritage and grand tradition -that's the McFergus style! For your man was unafraid oh no, he was unafraid to ruffle feathers -your man was simply deadly.

You know, I'll tell you some', people come up to me in the street -they come from all walks of life too, even Northsiders- they say: "Derek Derek, I was born here, right? I grow up here... maybe forty years, forty-five at the max -I know I know, I don't look a day over thirty-nine but!- and I'll tell you what, pal: Dublin... It's like a different place altogether today, it's like it's not the same anymore it isn't -and that's all thanks to good Mr. McFergus yeah!" And yes indeed a different place it most certainly is... Why, myself in person have spent many a happy hour shooting, er, shots onto the almond Riviera green: bull's eye! hole in one! trebles all round! It's always deadly at the Liffey Riviera so it is -but enough about me folks, let us all come together, today off all days, let us come together in a very real sense for the last one (literally) of Dermot McFergus. That's right, let us commune in Dermot's very special day, cos' it's all about him right? It's all about him. We don't just come here to celebrate him -We come to bury him."

(another breath)

"So now he's gone so he is -quite literally Dermot McFergus is now officially yesterday's, alleluia! ...how truly sad. Amen dear Dermot, fare thee well, God speed, and all these sorts of things. And now my friends, now we're mourning him, for yes we are, today our collective efforts are resting him to the ground where he belongs -Amen to that! I don't mind telling yous, but back here in our van stationed outside Mads's mansion, there's simply not a dry eye in the house oh no! Fortunately Derek Whelan is on the case -oh yes we are- and yous my friends -yes yous- are in for a special treat, hell yeah, as we'll cover every single minute starting from the first second of our Dermot's special last day. In fact, I'll tell yous what: We have quite a treat in store for yous so we have! Imagine St-Paddy's Day, Cheltenham, Easter Friday and Christmas rolled into one! So switch off the phone, loosen up the belt, grab a pizza and don't yous dare go anywhere for the next two hours -Don't even think of nodding off! No toilet break allowed, think clever, recycle your bottle of Coke! Butseriously, don't yous be wandering off and yous won't miss a minute of the ceremony! Dermot McFergus's Big Funeral! On TTE!  -And it's coming live!!"
(little jingle)
"The action, the reactions, the full Monty, commentary by yours truly, it's all happening -And it's about to kick off right-about-now! Just look who's here who's decided to join us, the stars are out en force to celebrate Dermot's passing, surely yous'll want to know, surely yous'll want to show up your clueless colleagues tomorrow around the cookie jar? Yous'll want to spill it to them, like who's come to pay homage, who didn't get an invite, and what oh what will they be wearing? Well we're just about to find out!!

As soon as we get the live feed, we'll even throw in the actual sermon delivered by Father De Visis no less! My ears on the ground already tell me it will mainly consist of Revelations 23.69.123 ("and ye shall beget that which is humble unto ye forthwith yea God so there here endeth Ezebaiah's seed"), ingenuously mixed with some excerpts from Dermot's very own autobiography: Dermot McFergus-"Myself" (that's his third one that is, available in all good shops; failing that, it'll be at the Clondalkin's library for sure). Ah yes... The man himself... Who would have thought eh? Rags to riches... rashers to oil rigs... and yet the most sinceeere devotion to Our Lord the Saviour -that's our Dermot all right! Blessed be the man forevermore as millions of Dubs cross themselves at the mere mention of his name and the slightest of sights of his stables!

But first... first let's hand over to Moira for a quick recap of the forthcoming proceedings. Don't know about yous folks, but I can hardly wait myself!
Moira."
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Over to you."
-Moira "Over to me.

Right, and for those of yous who have only joined us, we are now bringing yous the premium coverage of Dermot McFergus's very own funeral. For Dermot McFergus was not just a renowned renovator of that great city of Dublin -and a brilliant mind at that-, he was also a devout Catholic. An industry baron, a builder, and yet a humble believer. His family has therefore insisted on a proper religious ceremony with all the trimmings and gold tassel which we will share with you lot in as much as the Parish will let us film.

This will constitute the first part of today's events.

We will then cross over to the coolest burial ground in town for the actual laying down to earth -all the way down yes- of brother Dermot thanks to our exclusive Camcopter for a better view of the action which we will then follow up by bringing yous the excluuusive reactions of sample well-wishers if we can find any on the ground (they won't be in the air eh!). We then hope to be able to talk to Mads herself for some precious quality time and ask. What must go through her mind at this moment in time, how will she cope without multimillionaire Dermot's loving presence, and what are her plans for her future with her adopted male model of a son? All this and more ...in some moments' time.
We will then conclude our coverage with a quick voxpop of the man on the street as to what the passing of Dermot McFergus means to him  exactly -Please note this section may be shortened for technical reasons (such as whether we can find any English speaker.)

But first with your friendly host for this prestigious event.... to help us along the proceedings of what promises to be the funeral of the season so far, let's go straight to our very own Shoe Correspondent Belinda Savage sitting alongside Derek. Belinda."
-Belinda: "Moira."
-Moira: "Belinda. Afternoon-to-you and how-are-you-keeping Belinda."
-Belinda: "I'm doing grand why thank you Moira. Shoe Expert actually if you don't mind.  ...Not all of us can be -whatchallit- "Haircut Specialist", see."
-Moira: "That's right Belinda, not everyone can tell the difference between a Paris Cumblast highlights and a Colm Bald Iroquois, can one? Which I guess doesn't matter, though, for those who don't get proper accreditation to the hottest functions, right?"
-Belinda: "Right."
-Moira: "For sure."
-Belinda: "For real.
And this is why you're only broadcasting back at the studio and I'm the one in the filmomobile not two three yards away from the star of the show. Check.

This point of detail having been clarified for the benefit of our viewers, we can now turn our thoughts to today's exciting occasion, what's already being billed the Funeral of the Season.

Forget about the "Santa Amorosa" duelling stars' crisscross acid bath and electrified toilet seat double demise, forget about Linda McMac's little boy drowning in her sceptic tank, forget even old miss Brady getting machine-gunned down to feck only the other week -this, lovely viewers, this is the one to look out for! This is it, no messin' about, the must-see event of the day, the absolute gas, the veritable meat on the bone, the grand-daddy of all Dub parties -This is the shit! Who will be there, who's wearing what, what generous sponsors have they contacted for the occasion, everything you're totally dying to know will be revealed! It's like Derek said, don't yous be thinking of hitting that remote control (at least not before the end of my coverage) -You'd be a right muppet! Just ask yourselves... Do you want to be a muppet? Do you?? So there.

With me today to mark this occasion, I'm dead honoured to have a -like- superduper host who needs no introduction. / Groan, ten bucks say she's about to... / He is the man of a hundred openings, a thousand cocktails, a million infospecials on footballers' arrests: Mr. Derek Whelan In Person!! And may I just say, Derek, what an absolute honour it is to be literally sitting in your actual company on a day like this."
-Derek: "Why thanks a million Belinda -good girl yourself- cos' that's rrrright folks! Coming at yous from the very scene itself live and direct, it is only me on the mike, aul' Derek Whelan to keep yous company, like our Moira was just after telling yous, lovely audience, no longer than a moment ago."
-Belinda: "She sure did, did studio-bound Moira, and aren't they lovely though Derek? I'd say they deserve their own shout-out, right? So helllllo lovely audience, we love you something massive! You're watching TTE, enjoy!"
-Derek: "Alleluia! Now then, now then, let's not get carried away Belinda, for we have serious business to attend to"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have Derek, as we are like totally mourning the passing of our -er- host today. ... Dergal McFergus."
-Derek: "Dermot. And so, like I was saying, the stars are out en force today to celebrate -nay, commiserate- the tragic end of Dermot's fatal life. All the big names are here, the biggest names in the country, they done us proud, they done us good, they have a heart of gold -and they're not afraid to exhibit it for our cameras.

My my my, let's get started already shall we? Now then... Who can I spot out on the front porch with my little eye and my Bigleux binoculars if it isn't sex symbol Fran Cosgrave the man in person! Fran Cosgrave, accompanied by flamboyant designer Keith Drugby ("flamboyant", 'know what I mean here? Nudge nudge wink wink!). Who else? There we can see, slightly to their right, heiress to Duffy Sausages Ltd Susan Duffy, fresh from her well-deserved vacation in the Maldives. Mizz Susan Duffy, and then TVfunnyman Baz the Boz (usually seen sparring on our channel with equally hilarious Finbar Moss and Father Moyles); TV soap diva Cillian Brandon; maneater shoe expert Tina McNamara (still in search of a catch-phrase); Genial Keith Duffy -looking very suave in a casual cashmere polo, very suave indeed-; Children Role Model Deco Byrne (plays inside left-back for Shelbourne Rovers, that's who), Fran Cosgrave again -being escorted off the premises- oh, and many many more. Ah yes, what a turn-up!"
-Belinda: "Many many more for sure -Talking of which, Derek, isn't it your woman Claudie McBride I see out there chatting to Father Debifis?"
-Derek: "It is indeed Belinda (well spotted, our kid) Claudie McBride and none other, Rob Duffy's girlfriend herself, resplendent in her salmon tracksuit and silver hand-bag -and don't forget the hat! Our Claudie sports a, er, seaweed green yoke with solid gold chains whipping her forehead -dead St-James street. She's deep in talk with Father De Bisis so we sadly can't call her over and ask her how Rob's doing. Aw shucks, and what a sigh they make... Just look at them... Claudie certainly looks like she's able to hold her own with the best of them -even men of the cloth!, just check the way she's blowing breeze into Father De Bisis's face -it's like she hasn't got a care in the world!"
-Belinda: "Indeed she is, oh isn't she. Could it be -I'm just vocalising aloud here, yeah?- could it be she's actually more than a pair of double D reinforced? Could it? 'Tell you what though, 'would love to know what our Robbie has to say about her surely fascinating conversation... Not too impressed with her pumps either I am. Look mail order.

Now then, who else are we told is in attendance today... Oh yes, camp champ Brian "Big Brother" Dowling; Daddy's Daughter Peaches Dullup -the very one who / adds her signature to these distressing claptrap shopping-lists / writes these gripping and well-informed columns for "The Indo"; Tessa Turlington-Thawthorpe enjoying a joke with DJ Crassman here; ex-Justice Minister Malcolm McDowell; diminutive jockey Jock McFerguson; still no sign of any black person; Convicted Murderer Sensation Willo Byrne -ah but for the power of a new haircut!"
-Derek: "A new haircut for one ...and a good aul' hankies-out TV confession exclusive for two Belinda! For -lest we forget- Willo's "My Bad" was the second highest rating on Early Evening Prime-Time National Cable TV last week! Beat that, Seamus Heaney! So anyway here he is, everybody's favourite murderer, all cried out, already pardoned, enjoying a joke with Topless Model Lisa Burlington-Thornley who shan't be displaying her magnificent breasts today since, so she told me this very morning through a paper I picked off a seat in the LUAS, "no fecker offered to cough up, so" and at this stage I really must say -indulge me here Belinda- I really must say, we ought to name and shame whichever swine it was that denied her and prevented her from entertaining us in the manner we've become accustomed to! If only we knew which killjoy it was... Downright disgraceful if you ask me."
-Belinda: "Right you are, Derek. Good point well made."
-Derek: "But seriously Belinda -seriously- you tell me: What is the point of a zipped-up topless model eh? What the flying Bono is it exactly? Has this world gone bonkers or what? It'd be like... it'd be like uprooting a soccer player from his pitch and asking him to hold a conversation! Or facing a member of the opposite sex stone cold sober!"
-Belinda: "Or trying to understand the plot of an American filum without having it explained in the trailer! Who would like that?"
-Derek: "Precisely! Who would like that? Well I ask you, so!"

-Belinda: "You ask me!"

-Derek: "Yes I ask you!"
-Belinda: "(???) Well I don't know for sure Derek... I can't really... (what da???)"
-Derek: "That's right Belinda, my point precisely: we just can't tell! It's simply not on! 'Doesn't compute! Oh I don't know Belinda I just don't know, sometimes it seems to me... It seems to me we're experiencing a total lack of respect for our celebrated tarts -total lack of respect! True, though -How d'you expect our small country to compete with the big boys out there and develop our very own Anna Nicole Smith when we have to suffer this flagrant attack of monetary correctness? Eh?"
-Belinda: "'Fecked if I know! I must admit, Derek, 'sure got me here... You are so right though: In this-day-n-age, surely our children could do with a positive role model yeah? Sure they do! Ah it's an outrage alright..."
-Derek: "Like totally, Belinda. And it's driving me fumes!! So here she is, our Lizzie in person, fannying about like la-di-dah D4 royalty, see her guzzling the Cointreau, see her nibbling at them tiny weenie rashers canapés -Having a gay old time have we? It's alright for some! And then look at them just look at them -two of the most lethal in the whole of the Republic, still covered up at this stage of the game! That is brutal, that! Brutal I tell ye!"
-Belinda: "You tell 'em Dezz!"
-Derek: "Oh well, mustn't grumble I suppose -and it's Derek to you there's a good lass-, we'll have to make do with Plastic Surgery Disaster Marta Gronbowicz, so. And there she is, top corner of your screen, hanging by the poolside bar -Point that fecking camera at her will you!- Marta is currently displaying her fifth nose job. This season, it is modelled after "a playful young cub" we're told. And very nice it is too."
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, I can also exclusively reveal Marta went for a "cheekbone readjustment procedure" earlier this year in order to resemble Natalia (?) Kinski. ...Or so she hoped." (Giggles.) "As we can see, she's more like your woman after her fella's team has lost on penalties!" (Laughs.)
-Derek: "Oh but you're terrible Belinda, simple terrible -Mind you, even that's nothing compared to her earlier attempt to beat the world record for "beehive stung lips"! Who could ever forget that one!"
-Belinda: "Ha ha, classic! Half-hours upon half-hours of priceless infotainment footage she's given us!"
-Derek: "Good old Marta eh... Still officially 33 after all these years, top girl herself..."
-Belinda: "She'll outlive us all Derek, she will..."
-Derek: "If she makes it past the next time she goes under. Which reminds me. Have I already told you, esteemed viewers: Throughout the course of this program, we have an exciting competition for your good selves to enjoy!"
-Belinda: "Indeed we have, oh lucky yous, an exciting competition courtesy of your very own TTE station, yay! Should be a mad one -nothing but the best for our viewers! But tell us more Derek, do tell us more!"
-Derek: "Right then, here goes. In association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"-, TTE offers yous the opportunity to spend a romantic evening at l'Escriteuuur Restaurant in Ballybollix Creek -with a full meal for two thrown on top."
-Belinda: "Fancy!?"
-Derek: "A whole full meal on the week night of your choice (wine not included), and all yous have to do to win yourselves this prize is... -now pay attention, here comes the question- ... tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by the current departed (that's Dermot McFergus, that is). Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? Text your answer to the premium number which should be appearing on your screen now (low-call tariff may not apply). Best luck yourselves, and don't forget Blurp Insurance -"the power to".

/ Sometimes fun is the hardest thing to bear. /

"Now who is it I see with my little eye -no, not that one you filthy mind- enjoying a stroll with Socially Pitiable Dyslexic Martin Connolly? Could it be Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham? ...could it?? Rrrrr, Paula you femme fatale you!! Wouldn't kick her out of bed myself if she-Actually noooo... no actually, I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure it's her... may not be Paula Brummingham after all. ... Can anyone confirm? Confirm or deny? Anybody? Is it Paula or not? 'Can't see shit through this hedge, 'feckers 'grown it just to hide from us! ..... Ah well, maybe not on second thought. Hmpf. Let's say it isn't Famed Temptress Paula Brummingham. Could it be Tallaght transvestite Dickless Tracey then? Hmm, neither... (Helllloooo, can I get some assistance here??) Now saddle me on a pushbike with a bag of groceries and direct me to your Nan's but I'm afraid I can't recognise the young lady presently shaking her money-maker next to Society Sanctioned Connolly! How perplexing. ...Any idea as to whom she may be, hired help Belinda?"
-Belinda: "Woh-oh Derek, hold your horse here! You're like putting me on a hot spot! The blonde wan with the poxy heels and the boring fur knickers? Feck me in a hole if I can tell! Now then, let's see...

'Is not Wild Child Lara Trompton-Mewsley is it? No. This one's not kicking any foreign waitress. Maybe Sizzling Rehab Breakout Saskia Cahill? Neither: can't see no joint dangling from any part of her body... It wouldn't be Senator Marie Curzcnak, would it? "Clothes Show" presenter Eimear Callahan? Sunday Tabloid Front-Pager Niamh o'Namara? Euro Crumpet Maria Vilverde de San Antonio (y Chupas a Gogo)? One of Colin Farrell's Russian nannies? I'm wrecking me brains, Derek! Can't think of who on Earth or Dublin town she could possibly be, it's doing me bonce in something hardcore!

Well I suppose... at the end of the day, we'll just have to -Oh. My. God.- Oh my God a thought just occurred to me Derek." (horrified gasp from Derek) "Surely, surely it couldn't be... it couldn't be? Could your woman be ...a nobody??"

-Derek: "Ah don't be being silly now Bels, let me remind you this is a sombre occasion; I'll tell you what though, we'll leave it at that and pretend that I myself -Derek Whelan at your service ladies 'n gentlemen- has been left floundering for once. ... Only joking! I'm sure one of our inside people manning the bar will be able to find her name. Capisce? There's a tenner in the offing."
-Belinda: "What an inspired suggestion Derek! Like -totally fresh yeah! A tenner to the good and make it double-quick, people, but you know what, Derek? All of a sudden I'm thinking. I'm thinking there is NO WAY Blondie here can be a downclass though. Hear me out, yeah? Here's what I reckon. If she's actually managed to get herself in, she must be like -you know- connected? Connected ...know what I mean? (wink wink)"
-Derek: "By the Bono you must be right, Bels! The very least she must have got up to to gain admission must have been to -ooh I don't know- sleep with half the security! A-ha!! Have we found ourselves a sexscandal or what? Live on TTE! Just fancy that, viewers, a steamy sordid sexscandal in this day of all days! Eros and tornadoes! Could this be for real??"
-Belinda: "Oooh how sordid -I'm already shivering all over! Who on Earth could be so sexmad and disrespecting to the dearly departed? Who? Who could be so outrageous? This is like... so totally!"
-Derek: "Couldn't agree more Belinda, this is simply shocking. But obviously mustn't get carried away, would hate to speak out of turns, oh-huh, not me, not Derek Whelan. Cos' remember Belso, we at TTE have a mission to uphold, standards to maintain. Our valued viewers look up to us -And that's what makes us the winners that we are."

-Belinda: "Well said, that!"

 -Derek: "and what our viewers know, they know we don't want to be bringing the tone down on this day of all days, we can't possibly insist on this blatant sexscandal -oh no, our viewers' probity is too much of a credit to ourselves. So you see Belinda, if it turns out there is indeed jumped-up hanky-panky going on at McDermot mansion well... Well we'll just have to be mature about it. That's what we'll content ourselves with. We'll just be mature about it. Whose business it is and how often they're at it, where does it take place and what sick fantasies are being enacted -that's for our respected host to deal with. We're simple observers and have a duty to suspend judgement on this scheming blonde upstart. So she managed to get in, she did? Fair play to her, says I.

We at TTE take our mission seriously, very seriously indeed, and I think you will agree"
-Belinda: "Oh, I agree Derek that"
-Derek: "-Hang on sweetchops I'm not finished- I think you will agree our viewers need to be informed don't they. They need to be informed alright, as is only right and proper for any self-respecting news outlet to do and mark my words, TTE is that kind of responsible news outlet. Our viewers need to be told what's what / who's who. More to the point, they need to know what's going on within these private walls, and what the other channels keep them in the dark about. Like who the hell this slapper is, what sordid shenanigans she got up to -and whether she'll have the basic decency to attend the mass!

Now then Belinda, mull this over for a second... Wouldn't you say I have a point?"
-Belinda: "Like totally, Derek!"
-Derek: "Good girl yourself. So what I suppose I'm saying here is... What I'm saying here is this. Let's our reason keep, and let's -for the sake of the argument- apprehend the current situation in its right and proper manner." (pause) "Let's accept the fact this foxy peroxide blonde has indeed been squeezing the vinegar strokes out of our very own dyslexic Marty -as is her absolute right in a free country, let me remind yous- so. Then let me ask you this Belinda. Let me ask you. If that's the shocking case, who knows what else is going on out here huh? What else, under our very noses! ...The mind simply boggles; it opens up a whole abyss of confusion. Still let's be clear Bellza, let's tell it like it is, it is my firm and solemn belief that raising the question and informing on such matters is our sacred responsibility, nay our duty -and that's my final word on it."
-Belinda: "Right on Derek. We're like duty bounded, and that's the TTE pledge." 

/ Deep sigh, can't be seen to twitch, let's pretend I haven't heard. /

 "Hey, but isn't it... The Man Himself? Look it! Leading his famous castrated panda up the garden path?"
-Derek: "Eh?"
-Belinda: "Down on the right, behind the swings, you know the one... that's Baz Guhrnam isn't it!! Oh yes it is, Baz Guhrnam The Man Himself! Cheeky rascal...I would of thought that he is banned...*"

* Bernard "Baz" Guhrnam, born 04/28/71 in Melbourne (Australia), founder of the "Capit'all" paparazzi photo agency. Guhrnam first came to prominence with his aggressive chasing of celebrities for "gonzo" type pictures. Credited with inventing the "snatch-it" genre for his notorious celebrity magazine/website "Snatch" that specialized in snapshots of harassed celebrities, often taken in highly personal circumstances (including in bathrooms) on the disputed ground that celebrities are by definition public property. A trademark tactic of Guhrnam would include engineering scuffles between the aforementioned celebrities and camera wielding "Snatch" employees. Although -or thanks to- being the subject of a number of high profile court cases, Guhrnam's magazine enjoyed continued and spectacular commercial success. As it grew in aggression and scope (targeting politicians as well as athletes and artists), "Snatch" spawned "Puss" and "Chick", spin-off publications more particularly devoted to celebrities' offspring (often as young as a few days old). Their success inspired a wave of derivative websites that in turn fell foul of the law and precipitated drastic changes in the Irish legislation. Guhrnam's death (31/13/07), although officially attributed to drug-related causes, has been the subject of controversy in its own right with his estate and conspiracy websites claiming he had been the subject of foul play.

-Derek: "Ah but you see Bels, your man Baz is a celebrity in his own right, he sells millions doesn't he? He's got every right, so. Besides, I should like to imagine, better have him on your side than on your back right? (cough cough). The antipodean maverick... I like to think of him as a lovable rogue myself! See, Mads inviting him is probably a highly clever move: She may want to keep herself in the self-proclaimed King Of Yellow Slebreporting's good books! Makes perfect sense to me, that -Surely your man won't be biting the proverbial hand. Fair play to Mads, so!"
-Belinda: "Fair play to you Derek. I'm not convinced though... His presence feels wrong... Funny looking fellow he is.

Ah what do I know eh, it's not like I ever got snapped by one of his reporters sharing a toilet with some fella? Only kidding, folks. Only kidding. I'm not called Helen.

Anyway! I like your man's pink DocMartens ...they're quite funky. Very Dragon on a Saturday night. Talking of invites" (silly giggle here) "-and maybe I shouldn't mention this but- funny how I don't see either Michael O'Leary or Heather McCartney anywhere... Could it be they didn't get an invite? Who would have thought!"
-Derek (giggling himself): "Oh but you're a terrible girl Belinda Savage so you are! Now then, now then, let's not go there!"
-Belinda: "No let's not go there"
-Derek: "Let's not go there. Phew! Close shave. Oh my oh my... Michael O' Leary eh... Talk about bringing the tone down. (!!!) But you know what Bels, I have to point something out though, with all this commotion, this highly entertaining discussion we've been treating our viewers to, it almost got thinking, there's just one thing..."
-Belinda: "Yes what is it, Derek?"
-Derek: "Well actually, believe it or not ...we still haven't caught a glimpse of the widow herself!!"
-Belinda: "Ohmygod you are so right, 'nearly forgot about our Mads! Our poor old Mads... The queen of the show! The one we've all been waiting for! Where the devil is she? 'She still crying? 'She ready yet? 'She having her hair done or what! I wonder what must go through her mind at this stage of the game obviously she must be utterly devastated and she'll take one day at a time it never rains but pours thankfully time is a great healer life's a valley of tears but seriously. But seriously, though. What must she be thinking right now eh, do you reckon she's still in shock Derek? 'Think she'll ever recover? Obviously things will never be the same and there's only one Dougal"

-Derek: "Fergus"

-Belinda: "there's only one Fergus hopefully she'll find the strength, she'll find the strength to face up face up show must go on and gather herself for her guests put on a brave face takes 'lot of work to look so natural who must be really wondering by now. Ah they must be wondering what the feck she's up to and I'd say myself she must be chomping at the bit literally chomping at the bit to get it on get on with it and at the end of the day hey ho let's go let's get this show on the road isn't that right what do you think Derek?"

/ Get ready to switch to camera 3 on the signal... /

-Derek: "I say dead on. Funny you should mention our Mads, Bels, for look it here but who's making her grand entrance right now but none other that -talk about perfect timing!"

/ You heard the man... /

"Looking I have to say absolutely fabulous, here comes the widow walking up the garden path. 'Much as we can make out through this bleeding foliage, she looks every inch the perfect A-lister. Class eh... you can't buy it!"
-Belinda: "Mads is wearing a Jimy Chou hand-knit woolly dress, Donna Coran pecari hide handbag, Bukkake handkerchief up her left sleeve, vintage Tibetan chihuahua under her right elbow and two Rothko double-laced no-heels flat shoes"
-Derek: "I say Belinda, how impressive, don't be showing off now!"
-Belinda: "...or so my cards tell me."
-Derek: "(cough cough) I'm sure you're right here, I'm sure you're right! Perfect eyesight more like, perfect eyesight has our Belinda! Cos' you know what, folks? Cos' on the money, that's where we are at TTE! Spot-on and first with the news! All the thrills, spills, and accurate hair-products. We hope of course to be able to corner Mads at some stage and get her very first reaction to her impressions -some hell of an exclusive not to be missed I dare say- but for the moment, for the time being she's only working the room, doing the sympathy round of her card-accredited well-wishers -Aren't they lucky...

Now here's the deal. Here's the deal, lucky viewers. We may not be deployed on the ground that is the McFergus Enterprises Ltd Garden of Serenity, we still have a trump card to play that their lot know nothing about!"

-Belinda: "Have we?"

-Derek: "We have!"

-Belinda: "Tell us more oh tell us more Derek!" (claps her little hands)

-Derek: "If you insist. Now our viewers know how much we hate blowing our own trumpet at TTE -oh no we don't- but the fact is, we have ourselves an absolute killer in store for yous oh yes we have, a -like- totally lethal surprise that will simply blow your collective socks off. Yous ready yet? Listen to this: Yous need not fear missing out on any of the action ...for we have managed to get ourselves a lip-reader that'll decipher their condolences!!"
-Belinda: "No?!>?<?"
-Derek: "Yes!!!"
-Belinda "Far-out Derek! Like... totally! Fair play to you! Only went and done it again big man!"

-Derek: "Why thank you Bels, much obliged, why don't you hang around after the show, come and see me later heh heh -anyhoo indeed we have, esclusively for TTE, we have ourselves a literally actual lip-reader that can read lips! How about that eh... 'Must say, I ain't half pleased with it, only goes to show what we're all about at TTE, right on the ball we are at "Social Funeral"! Make no mistake, no expenses cut for us oh no, no corner's shaved when it comes to treat our valued viewers to an essclusive -so stick it up your pipe, ya RTE! It's one-nil to the TTE!

Now then. Now then let's get to it. Let's get down to business. Hello lip-reader, welcome to the program and your name is...?"
-Gassarian: "Emir Gassarian."
-Derek: "?? Gassarian that's..." (laughing) "Doesn't sound Irish does it? 'Take it you weren't born within the walls of Rathmines now were you?"
-Gassarian: "Actually Derek, I live here, what..., twenty years like. My parents originally emigrated from"
-Derek: "OK OK I'm sure they were right to so... Gossarian -since Gossarian it is- ...what can you tell us 's happening there? What are the guests saying? Here, take my binos -they're lethal, these, they're proper Bigleux Binoculars- and start us up with Mads, see her? the one by the gold plated cherub statue..."
-Gassarian: "Right so. Now let me see....... Hmm.... hmm... right... hmm... OK. Well Derek, see this gentleman talking to Mads, with the red feather boa and the green suit?"
-Belinda: "I think you'll find that's TVfunnyman Damian. I think he's quite sexy actually."
-Gassarian: "Right then, TVfunnyman Damian, well he just was after saying to Madleen "I'm very sorry for your loss.""
-Derek: "Did he now?"
-Gassarian: "Ah yes he did, and then repeated himself: "Oh yes, very sorry for your loss". Wait, he's now added "My heart goes out to you.""
-Belinda: "Really? Not even a quick joke?"
-Gassarian: "None that I can see. Maybe you would like to hear what Madleen replied?"
-Derek: "By all means Grossarian, you go ahead."
-Gassarian: "She said "Why, thank you kindly Damo.""
-Belinda: "Huh, that's just sh"
-Derek: "fanTAStic! That's just fantastic! Isn't it amazing, dear viewers? Isn't it simply heart-warming? being able to penetrate the intimacy of your favourite stars -don't know about you Bels', but I for one think it's just fab. It really brings it home it does, you can almost hear our Mads choking back the tears, it's like yous and I are right there in her sad little face! "Why, thank you kindly" that's just... marvellous. Simply marvellous. So down to earth, no airs and graces for her eh -Totally levelling with common people is our Mads! Why, thanks a million Grozarian, sterling work that -any more exciting revelation for us? What 'they saying now, what's the word on the mourning catwalk? Go on, weave your magic, I am all ears!"
-Gassarian: "Right er....... Miss Koszak is now saying to the 40-something lady in the leather tutu "How lovely to see you... how simply wonderful. Glad you could rake it -rake it??"
-Derek: "Fantastic! Isn't it fantastic dear viewers? Such humility and grace -ah that's our Mads alright, 'right trooper she is, man of the people like, with a kind word for everyone and a nice gesture for each of them, what gas it must be for her guests talking to her, no wonder she got voted "the nicest person in the whole world" at our recent style awards -Your woman's a class act, pure and simple."
-Belinda: "She's the people's Personality she is!"
-Derek: "Amen to that! Ah yes, I must admit I admire the hell out of her"
-Belinda: "Too right you are, she's like... tiptop! Couldn't have happened to a nicer soul!"
-Derek: "Couldn't indeed, it's me opinion and I'll stick by it! Ah yes, in these god-forsaken days of no manners, no manners and crass vulgarity, Mads "Madleen" Koszak stands out as the proverbial bacon of light and we could do worse -much worse- than take example on her is what I says. But back to our exclusive revelations live on TTE, tell us oh tell us er... Rozarian (??) -What 'she saying now? Our teleobjective shows her in deep converse with the holy man, what's the story? We're dying to know!"
-Gassarian: "Well she er...... Couldn't quite catch the start of her sentence but... something about getting it (?) over and done with double-quick, she's already late, needs to dash off to Sky TV for an inte"
-Derek: "Thank you that will be all! That will be all, I think the last thing we need right now is we don't want to intrude into Mads's private grief at this difficult juncture in her life this stage of the game and I guess I suppose the cheek of some people it'd behove you to respect people's grief Gozzarian is that too much to ask and show a little more respect that is if you don't mind common decency for crying out loud our very own Queen of hearts she is after all -so."
...
-Gassarian: "Er sure... Sure, unquestionably Derek. I certainly didn't mean to"
-Derek: "Thankyou. Thankyou that will be all. And I think that -actually is that the time already- I think we'll take a break now, we'll take a break but stay with us, yes stay with TTE we'll be right back -that'd be myself, Derek Whelan and Belinda Savage- we'll be right back after the news. So don't be switching off now, plenty more to come where these came from but first... First the headlines with Clio Hartbyrne. Clio."
-Clio: "Derek.

*****

"The news headlines at fifteen past on TTE. In an announcement made less than 24 hours ago set to rock the music world to its very foundations, it has been suggested that the Spice Girls may be considering reforming for a Greatest Tits tour. When asked about the possibility of seeing the most respected group in musical history since the Beatles come and perform the likes of "Lovin' me Lovin' me", "Let's Go Shopping" and "Wham Bam Moo" in Dublin anytime soon, a spokesman for their bank was understandably coy and refused to elaborate, insisting that any chance of this taking place in the foreseeable future had to be judged on its own merit.

It's official: Anna Nicole Smith will be buried next to her son. The pneumatic super super supermodel who recently sensationally died will be buried next to her son, a judge has decided. More on this, and the judge's actual name, exclusively in our news bulletin at three.

Officially Sexiest 63-going-on-65 Woman In The World Helen Mirren will battle it out with Dame Judi over two drama Baftas this evening in London. Helen Mirren is hotly tipped to beat the old crow.

Sport now, and Manchester United are preparing for the first leg of their semi-quarter preliminary finals of the HMV McDonald's MasterCard Euro DisneyWorld Championship DeLuxe against Sporting Katowice -the Red Devils are said to be feeling reasonably confident. However, manager Sir Alex Ferguson stressed the need to take each game as they come and show the opponents respect. Manchester United are twenty to one on to win the tie.

Saint Mary Joseph Orphanage childabuse sexscandal latest: Priests deny all involvement in the alleged rape, abuse, molestation, sexual exploitation, assault, beating, starving and otherwise general mistreatment of hundreds of mentally ill patients over a period of fifty years. The government has announced it will order an open inquiry to look into the matter for the delectation of the general public -more details of the case to follow shortly.

The weather this morning: generally sunny with frequent showers, early frost might be expected at some stage. Night to fall later.

Last night's Lottery numbers: 0, 6, 9, 33, 62, 64, 70, 89, and 98. There is no winning ticket.
All that coming up in just some moments' time, but first, very quickly, the rest of the news headlines: "The World In 30 Seconds".

The Iraq fuckup. President W has declared himself "very happy"" with Saddam's hanging(excerpt from a press conference by the President of the United States of America: "I am very happy."). Our political commentator Sean Doherty to commentate politically on what W's enigmatic comment could possibly mean. Meanwhile, UK Prime Minister Tony wasted no time in commending President W's optimism for the future (excerpt from UK Prime's press conference: "And I say this onto you I want to make it very clear of this there can be no doubt no doubt whatsoever from every fibre of my heart this is the people's Prime Minister speaking we've always been very clear on this we need to send a strong message a strong message and a clear signal for in a very real sense and this I desperately believe -this is what it's all about.")

Stem cells debate: thebushadministration has forbidden the use of stem cells in medical research and has warned scientists the world over against their possible involvement in this godless technology. It will not be tolerated.

Inflation at an all-time high in Ireland: after the 0.2 % barrier was breached, the Opposition has accused the government of "driving this country to the dogs" and is calling for early elections.

Earthquake strikes in India: thousands feared dead, millions homeless.

And finally, global warming controversy latest : Global warming has been hotly denied by some sources.
More on the Saint Mary Joseph Orphanage childabuse sexscandal and the rest of the news -at three o'clock on TTE. Moira."

*****

-Moira: "Clio. And that was the news headlines at two thirty. We now return to our main feature, "The Social Funeral Of The Week", with our special commentator Derek Whelan and his bus-based reporter Belinda Savage. Well. ... Let us just hope that our special reporter is switched on today and doesn't get her A-listers mixed up again I mean... it's not like a certain someone would ever -for example- forget the name of Wazza's current toy boy would she?"
-Belinda: "Ooh-er, the dorrty cow! Just because that one escaped me momentarously, big fecking deal yeah! And where were you, Moira the great, during that seminal fashion moment when Naomi In Person slipped on the catwalk and nearly stumbled? Do remind us who was on hand to report on this story exclusively..."
-Moira: "Well I... Funny you should mention that, miss ginger roots, as I actually have Nams on my very own "Haute Couture Against Racism Exposé Special" next month! She like happens to be one of my very best friends so. Nams and I, we go wayyy back, 'hear that sugarcheeks? Oops. Sorry. Didn't mean to let your oral specialty out of the bag."
-Derek: "Ladies ladies, do stop it now! This very moment! ...or else I may just have to bend yous both on my knees for a spanking. Hmm, right, yous realise it's all an act, viewers? 'Bit of panto, like! Our Bels and Minnie -they get on great like a schoolbus on fire they do! Isn't that right ladies?"

/ Except they don't say that, of course. They say / "...Belinda Savage who's reporting from the McFergus Enterprises Garden of Serenity where an old man is being buried. Over to you Derek."

-Derek: "Much obliged Moira."
-Moira: "Good man yourself."

(Deep breath)
-Derek: "And so we continue our coverage of the Koszak funeral -or rather her husband's- in this glorious Dub day that sees us gathered outside the Koszak mansion on a ladder to pay our respects and try to get a piece of the action. I was just after remarking to Belinda -and believe me when I tell yous I don't want to come across all sanctimonious or level-headed here- how utterly dignified everyone's been, how they've behaved themselves throughout the ceremony. Not a word higher than the other, not a cough, not even a discreet fart during the sermon -quite impressive really. Why, some might say our hosts look like they've been specially bodytrained and PR'd for the occasion!"
-Belinda: "That's right Derek, and it would seem our mourners have been rehearsed big time, but then again, this is only the sixth Social Funeral of the season, I guess they're getting the hang of it by now."

/ These two can't stand the smell of each other, they've been at the Chief Ed's throat and kecks for days in order to get this gig! Belinda may be as light-headed as Ozzie beer but she's no mug when it comes to enhancing her profile oh no: got the work done on old Jessie dinn't she! And see her now, fannying about on prime-time crap like it's her God-given right -Result! Ah yes, the bint will go places. ...If only for five minutes. As for Derek, God have mercy on the sad clown. Only last week, 'managed to get himself caught with the make-up queen. 'Moron's not even gay -he's just trying to make himself look interesting; he knows the game is up  and is dying to make it through to the central pages while he's still in with a chance! Sadly for him, even the bottom feeders aren't biting. /

-Derek: "Which reminds me, this global warming lark... I'm not saying anything here,  right? but come to think of it, I seem to distinctly remember, growing up as a bright lad all of these moons ago -Go on lass, you're supposed to jump in and protest it wasn't so long ago ha ha- well anyway (!!), so growing up back on the farm, I remember summers used to be pretty warm actually. Pretty warm indeed... Now I'm not suggesting anything here mind, I'm just stating some basic facts. But there you go. Global warming they say? ... I rest me case."
-Belinda: "Absolutely. Absolutely I'd have to reinforce with you Derek, it's like there'd be periods like -they're really warm right? and then dead cold!"
-Derek: "These would be called seasons. But never mind -Now look who's here! Who could it be, making his grand entrance but none other than rebel chef Jean-Baptiiiste DeLaRue the-man-himself! Accompanied by the lovely Anastacia -Anastacia (sic) who exclusively revealed to us, all of last year, how it felt to be left outside of love ('poor thing got a cold, is what). Jean-Baptiste DeLaRue then... who clearly couldn't find the time to comb his rebel hair, see him Belinda, his trademark half-quiff? It's all over the place!"
-Belinda: "I find it quite sexy actually."
-Derek: "...Right so (!!). At this stage of the game -I'll tell you what, thanks for your help Belinda-, at this stage of the game I feel a bit cheeky, I am almost tempted to bring in Moira. Moira are you there? are you receiving? Could you define for us -thanks to your own professional expertise of course- the current style of Jean-Baptiiiste's rebel hair? How you'd you call it?"
-Moira: "Derek."
-Derek: "Moira."
-Moira: "Derek. Well, 'seems to me, our Jean-Bapt' here is opting for a, er, totally new style of rebel hair in keeping with his rebel super-chef status: low on constricting structural bouffant, high on impetuosity and innovation. Hints of nonchalonce, shades of creativity -this is a man in a hurry, and not one for conventions. Typically Gallic I'd say."
-Derek: "How about that eh. "Impetuosity and nonchalonce". Isn't that spot-on though, dear viewers? isn't that the very thing itself! Why, you're on fire today Moira, you really are! 'Don't mind telling you... in all modesty, even I couldn't have put it any better meself. ...What about you, Belinda?"
-Belinda: "!?!?? Like yes! Absolutely! Absolutely I couldn't have, er... absolutely not, yeah!"

/ Hello hello, what's going on here? Fifteen - love by the sound of it, did the old fart grow himself a new set of balls or? /

-Derek: "You know what Belinda, you just reminded me... You know Jean-Baptiiiiste's smash-hit programme "Chef Challenge Ultimate" (on TTE naturally), you know the one, yes? Well you will remember I once took part..." (pauses)
-Belinda: "Er... 'course I do, and a dab hand at it you were"
-Derek: "...it was for last year's exciting charity bash, the "Sprogs In Need All-Week TTE Special", featuring only little aul' me and a whole bunch of supercelebs. Well, Bell, what happened was -you remember- we were asked to take up the "Jean-Baptiiiste Challenge Ultimate"; what we had to do, right?, we had to help prepare a meal for them Southside kiddies reduced to wear tracksuit bottoms! Yikes! Save our sprogs from skanger life!"

-Belinda: "Fair fecks to you, Derek!"

-Derek: "Well, Jean-Baptiiiste himself was involved naturally, as he took the time to guide us through his kitchen in his chequered pantaloons and rebel hair, now I don't mind telling you this Bels: it was... simply... the toughest hour of my life!! Absolute nightmare, it was! That day alone I learnt so much! So much ...I simply learnt more than in my previous (cough) 43 years on this planet and -let me tell you- I literally have to take my hat off to any chef out there who can rustle up a meal in his kitchen! That's proper art, that, no mistake."
-Belinda: "How right you are Derek. I think Jean-Bapt is quite sexy actually."

/ .......... And what about Clio, come a long way has our Clio. Only five years ago, she was planning on producing conscience raising features that would make your man sit up and take notice -or she'd tell me over coffee. She wanted to uncover and expose, kick up the termite mound, outVeronica Guerin Veronica Guerin (minus the lead in the head, mind) and here she is, five years later... reading the news headlines. At the end of the day someone has to, I guess. Might as well be her. It's all in the presentation, fair fucks to Clio if she can make it work: "So-and-So goes into rehab! So-and-So falls off the wagon again!" No fade-out here, just a straight cut  to /

"...and I suppose, in a real sense, wouldn't it be fair to say that Dermot, like, revolutionised the Dublin skyline?"
-Whoever: "Oh absolutely, like totally. Without Dermot, Dublin simply wouldn't be what it is today, what with his scaffoldings and cranes, you know? Oh yes, many a times I remarked on it meself! I grow up a proud Dub... I see it change beyond recognition! It's like this, Derek: Every day I drive up to my gallery on Leeson St., I reflect on these changing times we're going through and I... I ask myself this very question. I ponder, see? That's what our friend would have done himself: he'd have pondered! What Dermot did, see, his genius is, he looked around, he noted how these changing times were evolving, he thought this through -and then he effected them, cool as you like! He went -like- unashamedly proactive and pushed the envelope rrrrright off the table -with outstanding results, I think we all agree! Unmissable ones. I mean, a full 21 holes course by the Liffey... Who'd have come up with this mad idea but our Dermot!"

/ In his own way, Derek's a pro and a half. He knows the score. See him rinse this small beer for hours on end, truly the man has no shame. He's in his element: yak yak yak yak  -and never anything remotely conentious at the end, nothing to frighten the sponsors away. Just safe feel-good. Some people are like that though... Silver tongue stylists and piss artists of the highest order. They take to freestyling as dogs take to vomit, it comes to them naturally and they'll serve it up no sweat till we run out of tape. /

-Derek: "You are so right there... a golf course smack in the heart of the Northside -What an inspired idea!"

/ And on and on. Stand-by for the Bible bash, it's about time. /

-Derek: "...this is "not technically legal" -well it won't be Kosher either ha ha!- but anyway we've managed to get a mike in last night, and we should be able to catch yous some juicy bits, the best of Father De Bisis's eulogy -What do you think of that eh! The holy man in his own words! (......That is, if our nerds back at the ranch can be bothered to turn up the fecking volume a bit!) Aaaah there we are, all loud and clear, I know you can barely contain yourself Belinda, this is Father De Bisis speaking, let's hear him now:

-Priest: "Tremble ye not oh humble man but get rejoicing! Get rejoicing this is an order! Hear our voice, take our heed, share with us in this hour of grief, grief but also celebration... Celebrate the reprobate! Clasp him to your ample bosom and give him a big sloppy kiss! As the Angel said unto the Prophet as He opened a crate of milk: Aye up, slave of Israel! For thy day wilt come, the day of all days shall precede the following night, and ye shalt endeavour to beget Jerezaiah, who begat Ishmael, who begat Rachel, who begat Elsinior, who begat Barack, who begat Necromingian, who begat Oscar, who begat Dunstorum who sowed the first seed upon the salt -and he saw that it was good. "Yyyyyyessss!" shouted he, "Yyyyyyessss!" and lo! another ten storeys were raised and oh! -by Gomorrah and the Bono!- if the wicked Council did not throw a spanner in my daring throw of the dice but I was determined -determined, I tell thees- to prove them wrong, and wrong proved them I did.

Long-sighted librarian types, penpushers in thermal underwear turned inside out on alternate days, they lacked the gift of vision so they did. They could not see the potential shopping-mall for the meadow, they could not see the car-park for the trees -but I did, oh I did... So what I actually done was, I had a very civil chat in private with Charlie and the deal was accepted. Alleluia! Glory be and up the Dubs! At this pivotal switch in my destiny change, I lividly remember -vividly too- getting down on my knees right there and then on Charlie's office carpet and thanking the Good Lord for His merciful bounty. "Thank the Lord for verily He giveth, and He giveth again to those that are truly deserving" I correctly observed. It came clear to me in a flash, like a thunderbolt from the heavens: I felt the power! I felt the power that these dusty bureaucrats could never see in their heathen land register, their godless Health and Safety guidelines -Pah! A pox on their (council) houses! Verily blessed be the builders, for they're the ones that charge upon where others dare not tiptoe, they're the ones that see the road is long, long and not properly equipped with regularly spaced prime-spot adequate advertising facilities yet.

That moment I remember. I remember it well. Down on me knees I was, Charlie not far about, these sacred lines ran through my bowed head and I knew -I KNEW- that the good fight was on my side and that Our Lord, in His infinite mercy, would prevail upon this Earth (and in particular the hitherto neglected quayside portion of D 8). It was an opportunity too good to be overlooked and so it came to pass -Amen!"

/ Goes on for quite a while. And then some. /

"...for what does he tell us, in his "Epigram To The Employees To Be Read On Sunday Next (Please Note: Does Not Count As Overtime)"? What does our brother Dermot tell us here? He says. "Let he cast the first stone if he wants to get the wall started. Let the mason cast his stone! (Ontop a properly prepared foundation -one third Sandycove sand, two third good hard Fenian concrete, shake well before usage and let it rest no more than a day, we're on the clock here.) Let the builder erect", says Dermot! "Let the carpenter carpent! Let the glass blower blow! Let him blow I tell thees -And blow down all obstacles standing in our way for these times -brothers and sisters, various employees-these times they're a-changing oh yes they are! Let nothing stand in the way of progress" he says here. "Out with the forces of reaction, out with them poxy health and safety regulations! Red tape? We are done with you! Step back, step back, and vade retro ye parasitic legislatic onanistic leather-elbowed clerk from days of yore! Step down ye hear, step down and make way! Let Dublin rise at long last, let it rise, rise up and sprout!""
-Audience: "Hear hear! Bring the noise! Jerusalem here we come! Where's me jumper?"
-Priest: "This great city of unparalleled infrastructural renovation potential... This half-Eden of emerald stone defiantly set in the shadow of godless unionism... This... Ireland!!"
-Audience: "Keanooo, there's only one Keano, there's only one Keano"
-Priest: "Ireland, standing shoulder to shoulder! Ring hosanna ring! Chim chim chimeney! Bang the bell ding-a-ling! We woz lost, now we are saved! For the future is upon us, it's coming down -oh yeah it is- it's coming straight in our face and we couldn't be more merrier! No we couldn't -even if we went home and played the latest long player by brother Daniel O'Donnell himself! So rejoice, yees all! Get rejoicing and double-quick, for -praise be to brother Dermot- we have now seen the future oh yes we have! We have seen it, we have taken its measurements, we have stared it down... and we have razed it to the ground!! Alleluia! That's right, razed it to the ground!"
-Audience: "Far-out my man! Well said, that! Only massive! Onwards Christian soldiers into the valley of death! Take me to the bridge! Take me to the bridge! Ireland 1 - Italy 0! Anyone got any Vera?" (Crowd cheers; cheer dies down.)
*****

/ Must have drifted off cos' when I come to, where do I find ourselves than in the cemetery already! Looks like we've moved on then, must have switched to automatic around the second hour of the sermon... After a while, surface noise just washes over you and you no longer register, you fall in a cathodic trance only broken by the jolt in decibel level as ad breaks come on. Anyway, be it as it may could think of worse places to wake up to than here... There's greenery all around and lovely mounds of flowers, finely pruned branches sway gently in the breeze, birds flutter about unconcerned -that'd make a smashing spot for a picnic, that ...But let's-rejoin-our-commentators: /

-Belinda: "...literally costing up to twelve thousand or so my sources tell me, it features three garlands of miniature blood-free diamonds, 'specially hand-sewn by children -they've got smaller hands, see"
-Derek: "Good call there!"
-Belinda: "and that's nothing compared to what me sister's given me to wear at the April fashion awards next Friday -Thought I might mention it, may I Derek...?"
-Derek: "By all means Belinda, the mike is yours"
-Belinda: "Grand! Now the thing is though, it's not like proper presenting yeah, what I’ll be doing on the night is"

/ The pin-up du jour pauses casually, making sure her right leg rests somewhat extended in front of her supporting one, which in turn pushes her bum up and bust out (flash photography may occur at this point). The desiccated religious mantis parades her latest toy boy before the throng of cameras and dabs at her dry nose. /

"the lovely Bernadette Egan -heiress to the Egan canned food dynasty- takes a leisurely stroll with her protégé interior designer Philip Murgoyne. We can just about see them, behind the crystal elephant, admiring the chrysanthemums and sniffing talcum powder off the back of their hands. How utterly delightful Belinda, how very peacesome"

/ Some bozo shows off his logo splattered top and thinks we haven't noticed. Not to be outdone, some clearly thirsty halfwit waves a recognisably shaped bottle of carbonated sugar soda at the camera, the same 30 centilitres bottle he's been holding up under the sun for the last two hours. Years ago, there was this joke doing the rounds about the Tyson fight, his big return: apparently, Mike's designated punch-bag would be sporting advertising ...on the sole of his boots. The expected knock-out later, it turned out to be anything but a joke. Now the thing is, Coke ain't no mugs either. They knew exactly what they were doing when they expressly commissioned a weirdly shaped bottle. Paid off in spades... 

/ "Posh "Vicky" Beckham, looking stunning in her safety net bikini, engrossed in conversation with Liam Gallagher; charming Glenda Gibbon, fresh from breaking up with hunky GAA star Dara Mahooney, imparting important news to a Polish waitress"

/ How did we allow this to happen? When did we let our guard down?  /

-Belinda: "Absolutely, couldn't put it any better, but I would say this to Mads though:" (deep breath here) "Mads, at this cruellest hour of all hours and this moment in time chips may be down right it's like you may think there's no light at the end of the tunnel and there's no hope obviously you must feel utterly devastated but see Mads looking at the bigger picture at the end of the day it's always the darkest hour before dawn you could probably say that and I hope I'm not out of line here but isn't it what Dermot would have wanted yeah?" (permission to exhale)
"When a door closes a window op"

/ zzzzz... /

..."in association with Blurp Insurance -"Blurp Insurance, the power to"- and the question was: Tell us the name of the town that which has been so wonderfully revitalised by our dearly departed, good old Dermot. Is it... A) Limerick? B) Dublin? or C) Timbuktu? You'll kick the dog when you hear the answer!"

/ Cut from the announcer, close-up on the junkie clotheshorse, don't be shy Deco, have no fear re. light-level -that complexion would withstand a nuclear attack! /

"...wonderful occasion, so many emotions going through my head, I don't know where to start really, am literally speechless... is what he would have wanted, am so touched by all these messages of support, overwhelmed really ....these spontaneous messages, your man on the street... Dub' born and bred who -and I suppose, in a real sense- in their own way got equally touched by Dermot's vision."

/ Hang on, did she just say we're all a bit touched? Heh! We're all in this together, that's more like it. We're all on the same boat and so on, some of us are in the gutter, and jerking off at the stars. /

"...turns out she was Marty's wife. His legally wedded wife!? How dreadfully unimaginative of him if you ask me... Pah! Oh well, I suppose, what with Martin being officially dyslexic, I guess this must count as an achievement of a sort, right?"
-Belinda: "Right you are!"

/ Prepare for the link-up, remind the monkey in the tuxedo, close-up on the airhead. Then hand-over to more time-filler and prepare for the wrap.

They did stumble upon something though? (Shocking, I know...) The starched automats have indeed all behaved impeccably, they've done their PR proud. A right credit to their brands and sponsors they've been! Went like clock-work. No moss, no fuss. Nobody forgot their line nor who they were burying this week. A "day-we'll-never-forget" me arse! We all know there'll be another one soon, death is funny like that, it's pretty much inevitable. The minute Mads closes the door on the rest of her life with her (cough cough) adopted son, the clock will start ticking for the next one. Featuring the same faces, surfing on the same one-liners. Primetime demands, setting may vary -Is what the public wants, no? /

"...and may I just say what an honour it's been to spend it with you, an absolute pleasure. Literally."

"Here we go!"