chapter
21 The One Where She Gets A
Phonecall (Or Two)
"Lily it's me. 'You busy? Should I ring back later? Listen, wanted to say... I don't feel too proud about -y'know. Feel a complete bollix to be honest with you, a right turnip. You've no idea how much I've been beating myself about it, 'don't want you to start imagining things, you know I never would. I never would ...at least no knowingly. Oops! Only kidding babe, only kidding! I know I know I know, 'should have joined up the dots myself, 'should have smelled a rat -but it never entered my mind. Just didn't occur to me. Didn't enter my mind, what are the odds for that? But seriously. But seriously, my fault really. It's all my fault I should have guessed... Well anyway, wanted to clear this up. Wanted to let you know. I know that you're upset. Now if you wanna talk... don't hesitate. Don't hesitate, gizzas a buzz. OK?"
"Hey babes, it's me again ... Georgina your best friend, remember her? Sorry to be a pain, it's just you haven't called back and so... And so, was wondering if you had heard my last message like. The one I left. On your machine? If you haven't, I want you to know, I want you to know I'm really really really sorry about what happened and... Well call me back. Call me back anytime yeah? Speak to you soon."
"Lily. Lily it's me. Is your phone on? Are you screening your calls? ... Well call me back when you hear this, we need to talk. I feel awful, the more I think about it, it just...Well call me back."
"OK it's me again. ... Right so... You clearly don't wanna talk then, I totally get it. Your prerogative and all. Listen, 'need to tell you though, need to tell you I have this terrible thought see, I'm starting to think you may be hating me for this. You may have got it into your head I knew all along and went behind your back. Lily. Lily but seriously. Come onnnn! You know I never would, right? I never would do that to you! We go way back you and me, you ought to know better babes, some things are more important than a roll in the hay -In fact I was thinking we both got played, right? We both got played. 'Bastard had me on just as bad as he did you! How about that eh? Ah sure, it may look bad from the outside but that's the truth though! That's the truth and at the end of the day, I'd say it's a bad case of a two-faced" (cut)
"Hello again, sorry we got cut off (right piece of crap, call that latest model?) now where was I? Oh yeah, 'was after saying I'm not proud to admit I got proper shafted! Oops. Sorry, cross that. I got proper fooled by this weasel, that's what he turned out to be, complete scumbag! Didn't see it coming! I had nothing to do with it, you have to believe me! He had his fun and you got burnt. For this I am sorry, I feel for you, but I absolutely maintain -and I simply refuse to imagine you won't believe me- I knew nothing of it, I would never have guessed! Trust me on that, if that's the last thing you ever do. I'd never do the dirty on you! Well anyway. ... Just like I said you take your time, babes. You ta" (cut)
"you take your time and call me back. You know I'll be waiting. You can slag me all you want, you can call me all the names under the sun, the main thing is -don't stay mad at me, don't stay on your own mulling things over. Don't let it get to you, he ain't worth it. OK? Don't let him get to you. Now and unlike him, I'll stick around. I'll be around. Any time you wanna give me the both barrels, you know how to get hold of me, you come see me or you know my number, so talk to you soon right? Talk to you soon. ... OK."
"Georgie? Georgie it's me. Look, is your phone on? ...... OK, clearly it's not so. Listen, wow, thanks a million for your messages! (Only the first hundred, mind.) 'Don't know where to start really... Obviously they were much appreciated, cheered me up no end. And a bit of a giggle too, when played back to back -but you needn't worry about me babes, you really don't: I'm all cried out now. Totally cool with it. I've had my five minutes of waterworks and now I'm grand. Now of course I trust you and of course I'm sure you didn't suspect a thing -Never doubted you a second, Georgie! So no need to get silly on me you hear! It's all sorted now, done and dusted -Fuck him and the horse he rode on in! End of the story 'sfar as I'm concerned. Now listen I was thinking, why don't we just... why don't we forget about this nonsense and get together soon yeah? Let's do something. Like this weekend, the sooner's the better. So call me back and let me know, we'll sort some" (cut)
this scene is not telegraphed, it's telephoned
The
phone rings ("Rriiing!"), it's Da.
"Hey there, it's me. Just catching up with you Duck, see how you're keeping..."
-"Hey Da I'm grand, thanks for asking. Doing my homework actually, working on my piece for tomorrow"
-"Aaah splendid well done, nothing like a bit of knuckle grease on the old typewriter eh, show 'em who's munch munch screech creak"
?? What was that noise in the background?
-"What was that?"
-"What was that what?"
-"What I just heard right now, some crunching noise"
-"Oh, that? Ah, nothing. Some poor soul sat next to me -I'm calling you from Umaguma"
-"Umaguma??"
-"Ah yes, you know the one -that poncey place on George Street. Sells uncooked fish and rice. Costs a bundle. I guess you must have heard the other fellow, cracked his tooth on a noodle or something"
-"Japanese food eh... Wonders will never cease. So you're cheating on your eatery of choice. What? you no longer fancy curry?"
-"Oh but I do, certainly do Petal, am always good for a fire-starter me, it's just that, you know, sometimes one needs a change of scenery... som'ink different to get your teeth into and so I thought, well, 'might as well get used to it"
-"Get used to what?"
-"Hmpf" (unintelligible) "The reason I'm calling you sweetie, is that I 'been here, what, half-an-hour already -and still waiting for me main course to arrive! It's taking them ages! Ages! You wanna hear my "eating experience" so far? Well get this: I went for this starter, right? Basic bollix, 'bit on the side, top notch arrangement. Thought to myself: nothing to it, done and dusted in five minutes, well feck me Jesus if it didn't take me forever to work my way through! Lots of watchacallits, salty scobies -Well it turned out to be a right assault course, and not only that, we're supposed to be picking them off one by one with pincers! Pincers I says!? I'll never get the hang of it!"
-"You could have fooled me. Why didn't you ask for a fork and knife then?"
-"Fork and knife fork and knife -Don't want to look like a bleeding culchie do I? Don't wanna come across like a pillock that's never been abroad! I 'been abroad me, I'll have you know! I've seen the world! (Back in the days that is...) Anyway. Anyway so I didn't. But now 'you mention it, I may well ask them hmm... I may do that, depending on the main course like"
-"Which is?"
-"Can't remember. Includes fried rice, I think."
And here come the dreaded words:
"Actually I have a theory about them sticks..."
(Internal groan.)
-"Go on........."
-"I reckon they do it on purpose you know: To prevent us from stuffing ourselves! That's how it works, see: They make us earn our dinner! It's simplicity itself: Say you spend half-an-hour battling with your plate chasing your food around ...you won't get fat!"
-"Right you are, Da..."
-"Think about it though, that's how they can skimp on the portion! No mug will ever go and ask for more: They'll be cream crackered by the time they finish!! And here's the trick... the plate doesn't have to be standard size like the one you get with your serving of spuds with mash and chips either oh no! Chinaman comes, Chinese takes away on the portions -Noone notices nothing! Bob's your uncle."
-"Da, Da, hmm, for one thing they're Japanese, they're not Chinese; secondly I'm not so"
-"Japanese, Chinese -You know what I mean! It's still a couple a quid saved each time I'd bet. It all adds up in the end, and no-one's any wiser! Ah I'll tell you Lily, these people aren't half clever... The eye for any opportunity they have, the smallest savings they could think of... No wonder they're the rising economic power, the ones making things happen... Forget the Yanks I says, this lot's wiping the floor with them! It's in Asia is where it's at!"
-"Hmm, well... it's certainly thought-provoking, Da, 'gives pause for thought and no mistake..."
-"Too right it is! And take my word for it: I 'been around. Right so! 'Don't mean to keep you up too long, you've got your ekkers to do so you get down to it young lady, and you get down to it right away you hear? You do your old man proud. ... Now then, I knew there was something else I meant to be telling you about, something in the pipeline ...... Hmm, for the life of me can't remember. Ah, blast, the Bono be damned! Some other time then. Some other time. Nothing important in all likelihood, you'll just have to wait till it comes back to me..."
-"Hang on hang on, any clue as to what it might be? Is it concerning you or is it concerning me? Da'... You haven't forgotten to pay the house bills again have you? Is it another summons for the bin tax?"
-"No no, not that again -I can look after myself I'll have you know, who's the grown-up here! No, no, I 've got them bills sorted just fine; they're all resting in their proper drawer. No I'm sure it's no biggie, it will come back to me. Just to reassure you though, I have the vague feeling it was pretty good news in fact... Anyway, so off you go now, you crank up the auld PC and do us proud. You do us proud and more importantly you do yourself proud OK? You go get 'em. But, hey, what's that?? If it isn't me course at last!! Will - you - look - at - it! Yum yum, by the Bono she's a beauty... I think I'll have another beer! OK, goddagonow, byebyebyebye."
(Clicks off.)
We have been summoned and we have been dismissed by The Man Himself; I return to my duties.
"Hey there, it's me. Just catching up with you Duck, see how you're keeping..."
-"Hey Da I'm grand, thanks for asking. Doing my homework actually, working on my piece for tomorrow"
-"Aaah splendid well done, nothing like a bit of knuckle grease on the old typewriter eh, show 'em who's munch munch screech creak"
?? What was that noise in the background?
-"What was that?"
-"What was that what?"
-"What I just heard right now, some crunching noise"
-"Oh, that? Ah, nothing. Some poor soul sat next to me -I'm calling you from Umaguma"
-"Umaguma??"
-"Ah yes, you know the one -that poncey place on George Street. Sells uncooked fish and rice. Costs a bundle. I guess you must have heard the other fellow, cracked his tooth on a noodle or something"
-"Japanese food eh... Wonders will never cease. So you're cheating on your eatery of choice. What? you no longer fancy curry?"
-"Oh but I do, certainly do Petal, am always good for a fire-starter me, it's just that, you know, sometimes one needs a change of scenery... som'ink different to get your teeth into and so I thought, well, 'might as well get used to it"
-"Get used to what?"
-"Hmpf" (unintelligible) "The reason I'm calling you sweetie, is that I 'been here, what, half-an-hour already -and still waiting for me main course to arrive! It's taking them ages! Ages! You wanna hear my "eating experience" so far? Well get this: I went for this starter, right? Basic bollix, 'bit on the side, top notch arrangement. Thought to myself: nothing to it, done and dusted in five minutes, well feck me Jesus if it didn't take me forever to work my way through! Lots of watchacallits, salty scobies -Well it turned out to be a right assault course, and not only that, we're supposed to be picking them off one by one with pincers! Pincers I says!? I'll never get the hang of it!"
-"You could have fooled me. Why didn't you ask for a fork and knife then?"
-"Fork and knife fork and knife -Don't want to look like a bleeding culchie do I? Don't wanna come across like a pillock that's never been abroad! I 'been abroad me, I'll have you know! I've seen the world! (Back in the days that is...) Anyway. Anyway so I didn't. But now 'you mention it, I may well ask them hmm... I may do that, depending on the main course like"
-"Which is?"
-"Can't remember. Includes fried rice, I think."
And here come the dreaded words:
"Actually I have a theory about them sticks..."
(Internal groan.)
-"Go on........."
-"I reckon they do it on purpose you know: To prevent us from stuffing ourselves! That's how it works, see: They make us earn our dinner! It's simplicity itself: Say you spend half-an-hour battling with your plate chasing your food around ...you won't get fat!"
-"Right you are, Da..."
-"Think about it though, that's how they can skimp on the portion! No mug will ever go and ask for more: They'll be cream crackered by the time they finish!! And here's the trick... the plate doesn't have to be standard size like the one you get with your serving of spuds with mash and chips either oh no! Chinaman comes, Chinese takes away on the portions -Noone notices nothing! Bob's your uncle."
-"Da, Da, hmm, for one thing they're Japanese, they're not Chinese; secondly I'm not so"
-"Japanese, Chinese -You know what I mean! It's still a couple a quid saved each time I'd bet. It all adds up in the end, and no-one's any wiser! Ah I'll tell you Lily, these people aren't half clever... The eye for any opportunity they have, the smallest savings they could think of... No wonder they're the rising economic power, the ones making things happen... Forget the Yanks I says, this lot's wiping the floor with them! It's in Asia is where it's at!"
-"Hmm, well... it's certainly thought-provoking, Da, 'gives pause for thought and no mistake..."
-"Too right it is! And take my word for it: I 'been around. Right so! 'Don't mean to keep you up too long, you've got your ekkers to do so you get down to it young lady, and you get down to it right away you hear? You do your old man proud. ... Now then, I knew there was something else I meant to be telling you about, something in the pipeline ...... Hmm, for the life of me can't remember. Ah, blast, the Bono be damned! Some other time then. Some other time. Nothing important in all likelihood, you'll just have to wait till it comes back to me..."
-"Hang on hang on, any clue as to what it might be? Is it concerning you or is it concerning me? Da'... You haven't forgotten to pay the house bills again have you? Is it another summons for the bin tax?"
-"No no, not that again -I can look after myself I'll have you know, who's the grown-up here! No, no, I 've got them bills sorted just fine; they're all resting in their proper drawer. No I'm sure it's no biggie, it will come back to me. Just to reassure you though, I have the vague feeling it was pretty good news in fact... Anyway, so off you go now, you crank up the auld PC and do us proud. You do us proud and more importantly you do yourself proud OK? You go get 'em. But, hey, what's that?? If it isn't me course at last!! Will - you - look - at - it! Yum yum, by the Bono she's a beauty... I think I'll have another beer! OK, goddagonow, byebyebyebye."
(Clicks off.)
We have been summoned and we have been dismissed by The Man Himself; I return to my duties.
chapter
22 a murmur of starlings ("You Know Yourself")
"...and that was Heloise talking to One-Oh-One exclusively yesterday. She would like us to mention the entire staff of the Stokes unit at Blackrock Clinic, all the doctors, nurses, carers, cleaners, physios, caterers, administratives and everyone down there so let's have it, a big cheery shout-out to the entire staff of the Stokes Unit!"
I sign off my little vignette, allow for the pause, and brace myself for the comment from His Hostship.
....
Nothing coming.
....
Still no comment, sarky or otherwise. Timothy's uncharacteristically silent today -Didn't he get his Weetabix this morning or? I eventually look up, and what a sight confronts me!
Timothy's surveying me from his unheated side with the undeniable trace of a nascent smile on his lips -OMG he's almost smiling!?!? He's appraising me carefully as if for the first time and finally breaks into the contractual send-off.
-Tim: "Well well well... Lily. If that wasn't an outstanding piece, that. Pretty perceptive I'd have to say -wasn't our very own Lily Monaghan dead-on today listeners? Huh? Marina, what did you think?"
-Marina: "Jaysus... I'm all shook up me; that was quite some life story here, properly inspiring from Heloise I'd say!"
-Tim: "Inspiring's right, Marina. Couldn't put it any better. Refusal of mawkishness, defiant self-reliance, your good auld Dub street-wise common sense, an uplifting victory right against the odds -ah yes, I am definitely "liking it" as young folks out there would say. Truly touching piece, Lily."
I can feel myself turning scarlet, has someone messed with the thermostat?
-Tim: "Bouncing back, it's all about bouncing back is it not? Against adverse circumstances, temporary downturns and sheer bad-luck accidents... some people will just take it all on the chin and roll with the punches -Fair play to Heloise! (And I also note that this lady didn't want to give her full name, how modest of her.) Can't top that. Frankly can't top this excellent report. Contender for Programme Of The Week Marina?"
-Marina: "Definitely! Definitely it is."
-Tim: "The Programme Of The Week prize, which -let me remind everyone- gets aired again on the Sunday Bilinda Butcher Show at five, see if I can't get to swing her choice cos' that's the kind of manipulative soul I am, ha!
And so that was Lily Monaghan on One-Oh-One 99 FM, Lifestyle Correspondent Extraordinaire."
I am gobsmacked.
"I'm afraid this is all that we have time for folks, but before we leave, before we leave, I would just like to advise yous all to stay tuned for a surprise feature coming up next, on the Michael O' Flannaghan show... an excluuuusive interview with JohnnyRay -yes, that JohnnyRay- who'll tell us all about his resurrection ...in Japan of all places. Yes, turns out your old favourites ColdHeat are reforming for an 80s package tour of Japan this coming summer. Today Tokyo, tomorrow Balbriggan? Who knows. Who knows what'll happen next, JohnnyRay will be on hand to reveal all in just a moment!"
I want to kiss this man.
"But in the meantime this is me, Timothy O'Leary on Radio Oh-One-Oh 99 FM, wishing yous all a very pleasant evening and leaving yous on this reassuring note as developed by our Lily here, don't be searching too far for solutions to your problems ...when you already knew most of them yourself!"
The End. (-Aaaahhh…)
Spacemen Three –“Big City” (reprise). Now zoom us out of the studio, quick travelling down O’Connell Bridge, over the High court, aerial postcard shot of St-Stephen’s (mind there's no dogging going on in the background), keep an eye on the gondolas taking off and take us up right into the sky big boy (weather pending of course, weather pending...) -That's a wrap!
Post-Credits
"Sex, Lies And Videotape" (1989, a full five years after "The Terminator"), last scene:
-Andie McDowell, aka The One With The Luxurious Hair: "I think it's gonna rain."
-James Spader, grabbing her hand: "It is raining."
-Andie McDowell: "Yeah..."
Straight in at number 45
"Sir.
I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms about one of your publications: the novel titled "You Know Yourself 2.0" by Uma O'Gil (possibly a pseudonym, which wouldn't surprise me in the slightest).
It is nothing short of revolting!
It is utter filth!
I have had the greatest displeasure of discovering a copy in my good ladywife's possession and I don't mind telling you, the few excerpts I had the misfortune of catching filled me with great anger, great anger indeed. I had no choice but to read it to the end which -if that were ever possible- left me even more flummoxed. It simply does not make sense!! What? No final appearance by the protagonist's alluring sidekick? No proper comeuppance for the Gallic scoundrel? And I most certainly did not appreciate the general slur on our great city!
So please Sir, for the love of God, desist at once and do yourself a favour: Tear up your contract with this Mrs. O'Gil, let it be her one and only effort! Her rantings are nothing but a plight on our country!
Oh, and she writes funny too.
Yours sincerely.
Signed Mr. Magee (Ulick)."
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