Index Of Songs Mentioned, Alluded To Or Relevant. Filum Adaptation Soundtrack Listing.
-"Big City / Bright Lights (Everybody I Know Can Be Found Here)"-Spacemen Three ...only one of the songs I want played at my funeral. The never-ending, hypnotic, 12 inch version of course.
-"Life
In Tokyo"-Japan. Massive Japan fan here, and in more ways than one.
"Oil On Canvas" (which amusingly does not feature "Life In
Tokyo") is in my top 5 albums ever.
-"Pandora"-The Cocteau Twins, from their album "Treasure". Their first three LPs are unreservedly recommended. Quite simply, the Cocteau Twins were out of this world! It could be argued that "Treasure" was their crowning glory, their OTT magnum opus and cinemascope epic. But then, "Carolyn's Fingers" forever!
-"The Real Thing"-Tony Di Bart / "Call On Me"-Eric Prydz (note the spelling) / "I Start To Wonder"-Dannii Minogue / "The One" by her lesser known sister Kylie. Hi-NRG handbag disco at its best. These catchy choons will pummel you into submission and make you beg for more. Am tempted to add to this list
-"Saturday Night"-Whigfield. For those readers of a certain age who would have patronised discotheques in the mid-nineties and found themselves caught in formation dancing, this is gas! (Yes, yes, "la Macarena" ticks similar boxes; I understand that the clip of Hillary Clinton being held to her promise and made to go through its routine can still be found on YouTube. God love Hillary.)
-"There's Something Going On"-Lambchop at their most delightful. Lambchop is this Southern "Americana" collective put together by amateur carpenter Kurt Wagner aka "The Voice Of God" and one of the nicest guys in the business. Halfway through his concerts, Kurt usually hands over to his chum Tony the pianist for his "crap joke" segment.
-"Es Wird Schon Weitergehen"-Nena ( = it will soon pass). Always thought this would make for a perfect end credits' song. I am not ashamed to declare my life-long love for Nena.
-"Here comes Dudley"-The Jesus Lizard, with the mighty mighty David Yow their front (stunt) man. A "purple faced grunting gargoyle" you say? That's no way to talk about is, you won't be surprised to read, my favourite live band.
-In a rare attack of humility, I thought better than to attempt to describe Fugazi and therefore elected to leave them out of the scene altogether so as to leave their legendary status untarnished. The world is a better place with people like Fugazi, Consolidated or Bérurier Noir about.
-"Pandora"-The Cocteau Twins, from their album "Treasure". Their first three LPs are unreservedly recommended. Quite simply, the Cocteau Twins were out of this world! It could be argued that "Treasure" was their crowning glory, their OTT magnum opus and cinemascope epic. But then, "Carolyn's Fingers" forever!
-"The Real Thing"-Tony Di Bart / "Call On Me"-Eric Prydz (note the spelling) / "I Start To Wonder"-Dannii Minogue / "The One" by her lesser known sister Kylie. Hi-NRG handbag disco at its best. These catchy choons will pummel you into submission and make you beg for more. Am tempted to add to this list
-"Saturday Night"-Whigfield. For those readers of a certain age who would have patronised discotheques in the mid-nineties and found themselves caught in formation dancing, this is gas! (Yes, yes, "la Macarena" ticks similar boxes; I understand that the clip of Hillary Clinton being held to her promise and made to go through its routine can still be found on YouTube. God love Hillary.)
-"There's Something Going On"-Lambchop at their most delightful. Lambchop is this Southern "Americana" collective put together by amateur carpenter Kurt Wagner aka "The Voice Of God" and one of the nicest guys in the business. Halfway through his concerts, Kurt usually hands over to his chum Tony the pianist for his "crap joke" segment.
-"Es Wird Schon Weitergehen"-Nena ( = it will soon pass). Always thought this would make for a perfect end credits' song. I am not ashamed to declare my life-long love for Nena.
-"Here comes Dudley"-The Jesus Lizard, with the mighty mighty David Yow their front (stunt) man. A "purple faced grunting gargoyle" you say? That's no way to talk about is, you won't be surprised to read, my favourite live band.
-In a rare attack of humility, I thought better than to attempt to describe Fugazi and therefore elected to leave them out of the scene altogether so as to leave their legendary status untarnished. The world is a better place with people like Fugazi, Consolidated or Bérurier Noir about.
-"Baby
I Love You So"-Colourbox,
especially the 12 inch version (does anyone out there still remember 12 inch
e.p.s?). One of the truly great singles of the decade. Lethal.
Now-that's-what-I-call-music.
The mighty Leanne and Lauren might approve of
-"How Can I Protect You (or whatever the actual title is)"-Aslan. Aw come on, you know yourself!
-Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend" / "Runaway". The feisty miss April Vineyard takes no prisoner in these irresistible punk-bubblegum dance-floor devastators which, like the rest of the exhilarating album, don't embarrass themselves with lyrical complexity. Gems all round! A sssstonker of a life-affirming air punch if I ever knew one. (Or two, as it turns out). This has to be, with the Arctic Monkeys' 2nd offering, the album I played the most during the troubled genesis of this book. "-And you know I'm right."
The mighty Leanne and Lauren might approve of
-"How Can I Protect You (or whatever the actual title is)"-Aslan. Aw come on, you know yourself!
-Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend" / "Runaway". The feisty miss April Vineyard takes no prisoner in these irresistible punk-bubblegum dance-floor devastators which, like the rest of the exhilarating album, don't embarrass themselves with lyrical complexity. Gems all round! A sssstonker of a life-affirming air punch if I ever knew one. (Or two, as it turns out). This has to be, with the Arctic Monkeys' 2nd offering, the album I played the most during the troubled genesis of this book. "-And you know I'm right."
Lily will probably curse me for including this one, but this is fab':
-"Porque Te Vas"-Janette (yes, with no "e"). Soundtrack to Carlos Saura's "Cria Cuervos". Arguably the bestest filum song ever ...but then, is a cool 40 years old and would probably not appeal to funky miss Monaghan.
-"I Am The Greatest"-a house. A song for Timothy, one would suspect -Talking of whom, what do you reckon will happen between him and Lily eh? eh?? 'Bet you didn't see this one coming, right? Well, neither did I in fact. I surprise myself sometime. A song for Jeremy, we were after saying, except that firstly this would be highly unfair on your man and secondly this is a deadly clever song that works on far more than one level. It's both funny and poignant. The whole album is well worth getting, mad stuff from Dublin's finest band! With Whipping Boy of course, with Whipping Boy. (Is there any other good group originating from Baile Atha Cliath? If so, I'm not aware of them.)
-"Because Of Toledo" and "Tinseltown In The Rain"-The Blue Nile. To-be-perfectly-honest-widcha, I toyed with the idea of calling the radio station "Toledo", so there. Pretty much like the Cocteau Twins, you can buy any album from fellow Scottish outfit The Blue Nile with your eyes closed, starting with all-time classic "Hats". Warning, seriously subtle stuff going on there. "Do I love you?" wails the big man (Paul Buchanan) in a not uncharacteristic moment of self-doubt "-'Course I love you!"
-"The Emperor's New Clothes"-Sinead O'Connor on her second album "I Do Not Want Etc.". The eternally tormented miss O'Connor in full flight, all restrained fury and divine pronunciation. Many other songs of hers could probably fit the characters' moods but there is something about this one, in its clinical precision and desiccating focus, that forces my admiration. Timothy would approve.
Eighties / "cold wave" / "indy" / new wave genre ...where do I start?
JohnnyRay would probably claim he penned better songs than
-"The Tenant"-Play Dead. Hilarious stuff. Can you feel your man's anguish yet? Not in any way reminiscent of Bauhaus's nerve shrilling guitar sound, oh no.
-"If I Die I Die"-album by Virgin Prunes. Can't get any more straightforward than that, can it? True for them like, true for them... The 'Prunes may not have left a truly decisive body of work behind them like Killing Joke for example, they still remain a very endearing combo and Gavin Friday is doing great on his own. I believe I still own a ticket for a concert they never played ...as they decided to disband mid-tour :-((.
-"Painted Bird"-Siouxsie and the Banshees, on the classic "A Kiss In The Dreamhouse" album. Top drawer! Cooler than feck! Less in-your-face and downright giddy with puppy love: "Oh Baby" (sha-la-la-la) and for the fun of it, "Tearing Apart": that's la Sioux getting all melodramatic and heavy again. Hold still, my beating heart.
-"Dreamtime"-the (Death) Cult. On their first proper album which is simply the best thing they've ever done, no question. This album was released in a double version: studio and live, I'd say the live disc probably edges it. Outstanding musician craftsmanship that screams for the "criminally ignored" accolade. "Dreamtime dreamtime, I wanna wear my hair long!" declares our Ian, "Dreamtime dreamtime, my hair long my hair long!" thunders he some more. As good a final recommendation as it gets.
With the deepest of apologies to:
"Bridget Jones Diary" ...who would have guessed; "The Simpsons"; the eternally wonderful Winona Ryder; Ultravox! (note the exclamation mark: that's their original name, that is) "Saturday night in the city of the dead"; Fatima Mansions "only losers take the bus"; line "you answer? huh?": the spoken bit before "One Of My Turns" in "Pink Floyd The Wall"; Alan Partridge "monkey tennis?"; Ayumi Hamasaki "i am" (Ayu does not recognise capital letters in her native Japanese); St-Etienne "who do you think you are"; Dexys Midnight Runners "poor old Johnny Ray" off the inevitable "Come On Eileen"; John Peel talking about Pink Floyd; no, Mr. Feargal Sharkey does not sing the theme tune to "Pimp Your TeletubbyMcmobile"; "things I have seen": I recently remembered that Guided By Voices have a song called "Things I Will Keep On", maybe I obliquely referred to it? Or maybe I just want to gratuitously name-drop Guided By Voices; Rage Against The Machine (raging against the (coffee) machine, geddit??? Yes, I'm easily amused); William Shakespeare "Richard II", the "this England" speech revisited; Kate Bush "I take this moment here"; the Young Gods "what time is space?"; Sash "Mesdames et Messieurs, le DJ Sash est de retour"; the Arctic Monkeys "last night, what we talked about, it made so much sense but now it don't (sic) make sense anymore"; the Credence Clearwater Revival "I see a bad moon rising" ...and the next line goes "I see trouble on the way" -clever eh? (go check at which point this one appears); The The "Angels Of Deception": line "whey hey hey, the devil's in town"; "she", "control", and "lost" off Joy Division "She's Lost Control"; Nada Surf "I miss you more than I knew": line from "Blizzard Of 77"; the Wedding Present "Why Are You So Reasonable Now" and "Take Me I'm Yours (We May Never Have This Chance Again)"; "All The Boys Love Mandy Lane": line "I'm not like the other guys"; "who wants the world?" and "how to find true love and happiness in the present day" are songs by The Stranglers but I'm not sure remained quoted in the final version of the book; the National Library of Ireland; Paul Anderson "Magnolia": "I bet you say that to all the girls"; The Jesus Lizard "Destroy Before Reading"; the man Moncrieff (actual first name: Sean); Nick Cave "Abattoir Blues": "the sun is high in the sky and I'm driving in my car, drifting to the abattoir"; Angela Lansbury; Sparklehorse "I know your heart is heavy like mountains"; someone who shall remain nameless: "I think maybe we should spend less time together..."; and the same person: "it's not you, it's me"; "du hast mich gefragt, ich habe nichts gesagt” is not a line from Goethe but from Rammstein “Du Hast”, of course; The The "This is The Day": "all the money in the world couldn't buy back those days"; William Shakespeare "The Merchant Of Venice" (although I was aiming for a particular scene in the second act of "Richard II" but can't find the bleeding line in question anymore): a subtle reference to "if you prick us, do we not bleed?"; "the", "and", and "I" off the Cure "Fascination Street" in go check what album and at which juncture; My Bloody Valentine; the entire Republic of Ireland; the NLI's staff who surely deserve better; no particular profreader or fact-checker (as you'd probably guessed); Leanne Harte; Lorraine Keane; Glenda Gilson ;-)
Thank Yous:
first
and foremost the man without whom, Noel Stapleton; Emer Callan; Colette O'Daly;
the entire staff of the Stokes unit at Blackrock Clinic; the Alliance Francaise
in Dublin; Olympique Lyonnais and MUFC for keeping my spirits up through
difficult days; my "frequent flyer" mother; Paul "Paul"
Delaye and his family; Reena.
...To be continued?
...To be continued?
Suggested casting:
Lily--------------------------------Lindsay Lohan / a younger Winona Ryder / an older Saoirse Ronan / Maria Valverde
Georgina--------------------------Scarlett Johansson / a Bernadette Laffont type / Anna Faris
JohnnyRay------------------------Colm Meaney / Noel Stapleton / Bill Murray / Woody Harrelson
Mathieu---------------------------Ryan Reynolds / Josh Hartnett / Mathieu Amalric in a wig
Timothy---------------------------a bespectacled Aaron Eckhart / Christian Bale
Michael O' Flannaghan------------George Clooney doing a senile impersonation of Terry Wogan
Deatho----------------------------Woody Harrelson / Robert Downey Jr / Gary Oldman / John Malkovich / Santiago Segura / Eddie Izzard
Sean------------------------------Benoit Poelvoorde
Heloise----------------------------a Miou Miou type / Emily Watson
the two drunk cockneys-----------Ray Winstone / Sir Ben Kingsley / Dennis Pennis / Ralph Fiennes / Stephen Fry / 'Arry Redknapp
Grainne Seoilge-------------------Jacqueline Obradors / Grainne Seoilge
Uma------------------------------Harvey Keitel in drag / Anna Faris / the late Divine
Noel
Stapleton-------------------Noel Stapleton
Or suggest your own! Send your ideal casting to (hmm, must remember to open a dedicated Uma Twitter account...).
Or suggest your own! Send your ideal casting to (hmm, must remember to open a dedicated Uma Twitter account...).
?! (Just when you thought it was safe...)
-Director of the NLI: "Good evening everyone and welcome back to a special edition of "Library Late".
I'll be honest, I must admit to being not a little surprised at appearing here: This is highly irregular, highly irregular indeed but hey, stiff upper lip, little brown envelope and all that, let's go with the flow right? And so we are gathered here tonight... for a barely credible occasion. Barely credible not to say like totally unrealistic. Indeed, who would have thought -apart from a deranged mind naturally- who would have thought that during my tenure at the helm of this venerable institution of all institutions, I would ever find myself pronouncing these words: "Ladies and gentlemen, let me welcome yous all to another edition of "Library Late" with the multi-million selling Uma o'Gil"!
-Crowd
reaction: ""Gasp!
Well I
never!
I
should hope so -Didn't come all the way to hear The Saw Doctors!"
-Director
of NLI: "That's right, Uma o'Gil... and in the flesh!
Uma, I think is fair to say, has been nothing short of an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. Quid est? Vulgus pecum? Nobody knows. In fact -and therein lays the mystery- nobody actually remembers ever meeting her, nobody knows who she is for sure -Why, I'll be fecked if I could tell myself!- and really we have to wonder, we have to address the question... how did this ghost of an ectoplasm manage to sound so lively? How did she succeed in conveying such realism, such vividness in her descriptions of Dublin? Huh? Why, it's almost as if she'd been secretly residing amongst us all along! Imagine if you will Adam raising a Cain thinking he was Onan -the mind boggles.
We must pause friends, we must question -we must pose the question. What is her terrible secret? What hides behind her easy free-flowing style that had my grammar teacher in tears? What is Uma's message to the world and, more generally, what is the point of her? Many are the readers of the "You Know Yourself" blog-slash-novel who've been wondering this very question -as well as occasionally wiping coffee off their VDU screen. Now I'm no expert myself, I'm no Kremlinologist, but I'll give you my gut feeling. ... I'd bet there was a lot of work going on in her prose that we're not aware of. Take her mastery of Dublin's ins and outs for example... You'd have to agree it's uncanny! It has to be second to none -bar of course what you'll find in the "Lonely Planet" guide almost verbatim.
Ah
yes, Uma's secret identity has long aroused curiosity as well as provoked some
heated controversy. As we all know, "Talk To Joe" is constantly
inundated with the latest theories: Is it true she's in fact Seamus Heaney
after he's taken to the cooking sherry? Did she really attend UCD, TCD and KGB?
Is she or is she not a computer programme designed to rehash every possible
tiresome literary cliché? PaddyPower have had a field day putting about all
sorts of hypotheses and no, I for one don't buy the "it's a word-for-word
translation of a foreign novel transposed in Ireland" theory! Mind you,
sometime I almost wonder whether Uma's a pure juice Dub...
Well the time has come to find out. The time is now."
Well the time has come to find out. The time is now."
-Crowd
reaction: "Bring her on so!
Get on
with it!
Promises,
promises!"
-Director of NLI: "To reveal all, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lord Mayor, Your Excellency, Mr. Speaker, esteemed colleagues, (Noel Stapleton), what better guest could there ever be but" (dramatic pause here) "Uma o'Gil, the man/woman/thingy/collective himself/herself/itself/themselves!!"
-Crowd reaction: "At last!
Hurry up already, I'm bursting!
I've got a monkey here 'says it's Mary Harney!
Let the dog see the rabbit!
I think I'm gonna faint!"
-Director of NLI, raising his arm majestically: "Oh yes oh yes, yous all are dying to find out aren't yous now? Yous can hardly contain yourselves can yous not? Well, fret no more gentle folklings, for I'll say this unto yous: The wait is over, the moment of truth is afoot... She is coming, I am reliably informed she's in the building already!"
-Crowd goes: "Gasp!
Squeal!
Come the feck on so!
-Director of NLI: "To reveal all, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lord Mayor, Your Excellency, Mr. Speaker, esteemed colleagues, (Noel Stapleton), what better guest could there ever be but" (dramatic pause here) "Uma o'Gil, the man/woman/thingy/collective himself/herself/itself/themselves!!"
-Crowd reaction: "At last!
Hurry up already, I'm bursting!
I've got a monkey here 'says it's Mary Harney!
Let the dog see the rabbit!
I think I'm gonna faint!"
-Director of NLI, raising his arm majestically: "Oh yes oh yes, yous all are dying to find out aren't yous now? Yous can hardly contain yourselves can yous not? Well, fret no more gentle folklings, for I'll say this unto yous: The wait is over, the moment of truth is afoot... She is coming, I am reliably informed she's in the building already!"
-Crowd goes: "Gasp!
Squeal!
Come the feck on so!
Eamon,
is that you?
Hurry up already, I'm (etc.)"
-Director of NLI: "Ah will yous look at yourselves litteratture lovers, yous're on tender hooks are yous not? Yous can hardly wait! I know how yous feel friends, I feel funnier than Steve Martin in his first five filums myself!" 'Phone rings. The Director produces a mobile from his jacket. "A-llo. ............... A-ha, a-ha. ....... Yep. ............ A-ha. ....... Yep. ....... OK. Up and away so." Carefully puts it away. Goes all serious like the Brits have conceded defeat in the Graham Norton passport tug-of-love and threatened to return him to these shores. "I have been informed, my friends. I have been given confirmation. Here she is, literally in person and waiting to enter behind this very door..." (His voice goes one octave higher.) "so please join me in welcoming our special guest and one that Scientologists surely won't be able to claim as one of their own.... Lights out, stage-hands! Door open to manual! Ladies 'n gentlemen, the National Library of Ireland is proud to give yous... Uma o'Gil!!!"
The lights go out, the crowd turn on their seats as one and do themselves a nasty cervical injury.
Enter Uma o'Gil.
Sporting a classy purple and emerald striped ensemble complemented by a funky dayglo pink handbag, shoes by Valentino, backpack by CampingRUs, beret by LeCoqEmotif, the author makes her entrance like she goes through doorways every day of the week no bother and proceeds towards the stage. "Brazen confidence" doesn't do her justice. Smuggled cameras drop to the floor, jaws do too. A-wheezing and a-wincing, the star of the show hoists herself up onto the podium past a Director too startled to lend a hand. There. She's ascended. Three feet higher, Her Umaness surveys the scene. Scratching her balls, she clocks the assortment awaiting her pleasure: a mere few sausages, rashers, petits filous, Camembert baguettes and spotted dick. She breaks into a smile, grunts her approval. She addresses a benevolent wave to the gobsmacked chosen few in the front row.
-Director of the NLI: "Huh?!? ... You!!"
-Uma: "Me."
-Director of the NLI: "I say!?"
-Uma: "You don't."
-Director of the NLI: "I can hardly believe this, am I dreaming?? Please somebody wake me up from my nightmare!"
Hurry up already, I'm (etc.)"
-Director of NLI: "Ah will yous look at yourselves litteratture lovers, yous're on tender hooks are yous not? Yous can hardly wait! I know how yous feel friends, I feel funnier than Steve Martin in his first five filums myself!" 'Phone rings. The Director produces a mobile from his jacket. "A-llo. ............... A-ha, a-ha. ....... Yep. ............ A-ha. ....... Yep. ....... OK. Up and away so." Carefully puts it away. Goes all serious like the Brits have conceded defeat in the Graham Norton passport tug-of-love and threatened to return him to these shores. "I have been informed, my friends. I have been given confirmation. Here she is, literally in person and waiting to enter behind this very door..." (His voice goes one octave higher.) "so please join me in welcoming our special guest and one that Scientologists surely won't be able to claim as one of their own.... Lights out, stage-hands! Door open to manual! Ladies 'n gentlemen, the National Library of Ireland is proud to give yous... Uma o'Gil!!!"
The lights go out, the crowd turn on their seats as one and do themselves a nasty cervical injury.
Enter Uma o'Gil.
Sporting a classy purple and emerald striped ensemble complemented by a funky dayglo pink handbag, shoes by Valentino, backpack by CampingRUs, beret by LeCoqEmotif, the author makes her entrance like she goes through doorways every day of the week no bother and proceeds towards the stage. "Brazen confidence" doesn't do her justice. Smuggled cameras drop to the floor, jaws do too. A-wheezing and a-wincing, the star of the show hoists herself up onto the podium past a Director too startled to lend a hand. There. She's ascended. Three feet higher, Her Umaness surveys the scene. Scratching her balls, she clocks the assortment awaiting her pleasure: a mere few sausages, rashers, petits filous, Camembert baguettes and spotted dick. She breaks into a smile, grunts her approval. She addresses a benevolent wave to the gobsmacked chosen few in the front row.
-Director of the NLI: "Huh?!? ... You!!"
-Uma: "Me."
-Director of the NLI: "I say!?"
-Uma: "You don't."
-Director of the NLI: "I can hardly believe this, am I dreaming?? Please somebody wake me up from my nightmare!"
-Uma:
"Here. Let me pinch you."
-Director:
"Hands off, creature!" (Rubs his bruised arm.) ".......... So it
was you all along"
-Uma: "It was."
-Uma: "It was."
-Director:
"But it can't be!?"
-Uma:
"It can."
-Director: "This... this is worse than my last Christmas present! This is worse than the Dubs' trophy cabinet! This is even worse than the new album by U2 for crying out loud!!" (He takes a few deep breaths.) "........... Well well well... Well then... Alright. So be it. Let's be professional so, live and forgive, right? So that's the way it is? Very well, that's the way it's gonna be ("Uma o'Gil" me backside......) for let us remember the sacred words: "Christ will come like a thief in the night.""
-Uma, wiping the chocolate mousse off her face: "Amen to that!"
-Director: "Now then audience, let me tell yous, and let me tell yous frank, may I just confide... I hadn't got the faintest clue! For sure -oh aye- I had me suspicions, I had me doubts, but I hadn't got the faintest clue. No idea, I swears. This comes as much as a total surprise to me as I suspect to yous. Ah sure, I had long suspected foul play, foul play and downright treachery but this's got to take the biscuit, this redefines "dastardly" and no mistake. Heaven help us, Machiavelli's alive -and is partial to fried egg sandwiches by the look of it."
-Director: "This... this is worse than my last Christmas present! This is worse than the Dubs' trophy cabinet! This is even worse than the new album by U2 for crying out loud!!" (He takes a few deep breaths.) "........... Well well well... Well then... Alright. So be it. Let's be professional so, live and forgive, right? So that's the way it is? Very well, that's the way it's gonna be ("Uma o'Gil" me backside......) for let us remember the sacred words: "Christ will come like a thief in the night.""
-Uma, wiping the chocolate mousse off her face: "Amen to that!"
-Director: "Now then audience, let me tell yous, and let me tell yous frank, may I just confide... I hadn't got the faintest clue! For sure -oh aye- I had me suspicions, I had me doubts, but I hadn't got the faintest clue. No idea, I swears. This comes as much as a total surprise to me as I suspect to yous. Ah sure, I had long suspected foul play, foul play and downright treachery but this's got to take the biscuit, this redefines "dastardly" and no mistake. Heaven help us, Machiavelli's alive -and is partial to fried egg sandwiches by the look of it."
Sound-effects:
"crunch, crunch, glurg, chomp."
"Seriously
though -hands on your heart- ...how many of yous had seen it coming?"
-Audience:
"I did!
And
me!
And
me, it was obvious!
And
me!
Me!
Me
too!
And
me!
That's
a grand in me pocket thankyouverymuch!
It's a
rip-off, it was obvious from the start!
What
time's the bar open?"
-Director:
"Yous see? Nobody did! Ah I tell yous friends, we were taken in by a
criminal mastermind here, criminal mastermind! Still eh... I suppose in a way,
you have to give credit where credit's due, fair fecks and all, so fair play to
you, "Uma o'Gil"!"
Sniggers Uma. Out takes she a handkerchief and blows she her nose ("POOOOOMMM!").
-Director: "Now then. So here "she" is eh. The one and thankfully only Uma o'Gil. I s'pose we'd better get on with it, right? And so, ladies 'n gentlemen, appearing exclusively live for the National Library of Ireland and ready to answer all your questions -as well as those from our esteemed RTE journalist host- we gives yous Uma o'Gil in person. Right so. That's me done, over to you Shay!" Tosses his mike and clambers off the stage.
-Up stands Shay Keehy (for it is he!): "Why thank you Mr. Director, you're very welcome. Hello and good evening everyone, this truly is a special occasion we found ourselves celebrating tonight as we finally come face to face with the mysterious and reverently talked about Uma o'"
-Uma, leaning over, tapping Shay on the knee: "Oh stop it now Shay, stop it!"
-Shay Keehy: "...Gil and are able to unravel the mystery of her success -we're much obliged.
First of all Uma -if you don't mind me preying- I would like to maybe pick on a few details about your secret life. As Gavin mentioned, much has been written and conjectured about your background. Some said you came from the stars, some wrote you were raised by wolves, some even claimed that you had mastered the English language, but at the end of the day nothing was ever substantiated, any guess's as good as mine... By accepting to appear tonight, let me suggest you may be able to shed some light on your remarkable journey and help us decipher at long last what has been dubbed the "UmaGilGate": Quo vadis, Uma?
Sniggers Uma. Out takes she a handkerchief and blows she her nose ("POOOOOMMM!").
-Director: "Now then. So here "she" is eh. The one and thankfully only Uma o'Gil. I s'pose we'd better get on with it, right? And so, ladies 'n gentlemen, appearing exclusively live for the National Library of Ireland and ready to answer all your questions -as well as those from our esteemed RTE journalist host- we gives yous Uma o'Gil in person. Right so. That's me done, over to you Shay!" Tosses his mike and clambers off the stage.
-Up stands Shay Keehy (for it is he!): "Why thank you Mr. Director, you're very welcome. Hello and good evening everyone, this truly is a special occasion we found ourselves celebrating tonight as we finally come face to face with the mysterious and reverently talked about Uma o'"
-Uma, leaning over, tapping Shay on the knee: "Oh stop it now Shay, stop it!"
-Shay Keehy: "...Gil and are able to unravel the mystery of her success -we're much obliged.
First of all Uma -if you don't mind me preying- I would like to maybe pick on a few details about your secret life. As Gavin mentioned, much has been written and conjectured about your background. Some said you came from the stars, some wrote you were raised by wolves, some even claimed that you had mastered the English language, but at the end of the day nothing was ever substantiated, any guess's as good as mine... By accepting to appear tonight, let me suggest you may be able to shed some light on your remarkable journey and help us decipher at long last what has been dubbed the "UmaGilGate": Quo vadis, Uma?
This
will constitute the first part of the proceedings.
Then I suppose really, as for the second part I'll let you take a few questions from our audience, our audience who've been so patient, they've been ever so good, waiting for the last two hours with their legs crossed fighting their need to go to the toilet for the privilege of meeting with you."
-Uma, magnanimously: "Oh I suppose you could why not... You may proceed, Shay. On with the show!"
-Shay Keehy: "Oh you're too good.
Now first of all, Uma o'Gil..." (pregnant pause here) "Is that your real name? Is it really? Cos' I for one am not falling for it, I mean -what kind of a Mickey Mouse moniker's that, "Uma o'Gil", are you pulling our leg or what? 'Think we were born yesterday??"
-Uma: "It is my name."
-Shay Keehy: "Oh. Right."
-Uma o'Gil: "In fact, Shay, the o'Gils have been around, they've been around for -like- ever. They form a dynasty and a long one too, a dynasty of -how shall I put it delicately?- "urine artists". Urine artists who have a sorry tendency to try their hand at innumerable avenues that unfailingly turn out to be dead ends. We tackle all sorts, really, and all sorts fail us. We've plied our trade on street corners, funfair stages, jail walls, science-fiction forums, confidential blogs, we've poured our heart out in drinking establishments, psychoanalysts' cabinets, cellar-bound diaries, mouldy textbooks, roneotyped college magazines, unrequited love letters, manuscripts slush piles, unshootable screenplays, opera projects, self-published pamphlets, little black books, rehab clinics, the gutter, captivity, exile -All these and many more. We were in fact banned from having any contact with clay and cave walls when dinosaurs roamed the earth! ...We usually end up alone and bitter.
The funny thing though, is that we're generally remembered by our former alumni. They always make sure not to invite us to high school reunions. That's who we are, we're the o'Gils! ...Admittedly we're a bit of an acquired taste."
"This
being said, and I don't mind telling you Shay," (petting Shay's knee)
"only recently we were immortalised with our very own Urban Dictionary
definition!"
-Shay Keehy: "Oh is that so?"
-Uma o'Gil: "Yes that is so."
-Shay Keehy: "Oh how remarkable, ahem... 'many o'Gils about?"
-Uma: "Oh yes. Oh yes my friend" (voice drops an octave) "...we are legion."
-Shay Keehy, nervously straightening up his collar (gulp): "Er... fair play to yous! That's smashing news that, er... strength in numbers... Now then Uma, you were just mentioning making it onto the Urban Dictionary. Any idea who may have come up with a definition for the o'Gils ?"
-Uma: "Sorry? Huh? Can't hear you babes. Next question please!"
-Shay Keehy: "I was saying, this Urban Dictionary definition yoke, any idea who came u"
Feels the glare of Uma's eyes.
"Oh. Right. Moving on, so. Now, Uma, even yourself must have been startled by the triumphant success of "You Know Yourself 2.0": "The Guardian" called it -and here I quote- "a neo-post-deconstructionist smorgasbord for the Z-generation.0", "The Sun" said it was "an enthralling and at times deeply affecting double-take on bittersweet idiosyncrasies", "The Irish Independent" "like plunging your snout in a barrel -and coming up trumps with the apple", The "Osservatore Romano" "a welcome spanking of political correctness gone bad".
Is this something you expected at all? ...such accolades? such critical acclaim?"
-Uma: "Oh not at all, not at all Shay. I never dreamed of reaching such heights, I never thought for one moment I'd find myself in this place of places, it's just... it's just a scream. Like totally rad yeah. Well sweet and proper ace. See, some writers will tell you they only seek to express themselves like they strive to find their inner voice and give free rein to their imagination unburdened by any societal conventions but that's bollix. That's a load of old cock, Shay (forgive my French). At the end of the day, we all have our mortgage to pay! (Obviously, some of us have bigger houses than others heh heh but.) It's all about the money, dear boy!
In the end though, people seemed to like it; they responded to the book, critics and readers alike. They went right made for it. That was a boon to be honest ...felt like breaking the o'Gils curse in fact."
-Shay Keehy: "Aaah how wonderful... how inspiring. You've clearly led a charmed life underneath your -er...- assumed identity, Uma. But what about your work ethic? Your modus operandi? One can only wonder, how difficult was it for you to put on paper these tales of repeated public humiliation and sexual frustration?"
-Uma: "Hmm, not difficult at all I'd have to say -It all comes natural to me. Piece of cake, like, all in a day's work! Story, style, dialogues... I hardly ever correct myself, it all flows out of me. It all flows out of me trusted pen. I just switch it on and... away we go. Up, up and away! Oh aye, one line brings on another brings on another brings on another -I can write for hours, me! I emit novels like people emit gas after they've had their tea."
-Shay: "Fascinating. And what a delightful image this is... you sure know how to paint a picture with words. Pray tell Uma, how many novels have you produced so far then?"
-Uma: "One."
-Shay: "... And -Oh but I can see people already raising their hands, why not take a few questions from the floor and then we'll come back to our fascinating discussion later? Would you like that Uma?"
Uma drains her pint and belches politely behind her fist ("RROOOOOO!"). She would like that.
-Shay, half-turning towards the audience: "Yes? Young man in the front row with the anorak and the white socks. You've been trying to get my attention for some time now"
-Noel Stapleton: "I most certainly did."
-Shay, laughing: "You look like you're simply dying to ask Uma something, now here's your chance big boy -You go ahead."
-Noel Stapleton: "Gee, thanks a million Shay, 'long fecking last. Now then. Uma. ... Long time no see. So nice of you to finally come out eh. I s'pose I ought to let the cat out, I have a confession to make everyone. I've known Uma's identity for quite some time, in fact forever and yous know what? It doesn't diminish my admiration for her writings! Serious. Every time I read Uma I find a new reason to laugh."
-Uma: "Now then, now then Noel Stapleton"
-Noel Stapleton: "Oh sure I do, every time I read your stuff I find something right up with whatshisname, Flann o'Brien or Marian Keyes, "You Know Yourself"'s a proper goldmine of sorts, there's always something to catch your eye. Some observation... some unattributed quote... an accurate description maybe, or a vivid detail that jumps right off the page, an occasional touch of genius cheekily winking at us in-between the ball-breaking page-fillers."
-Shay Keehy: "Oh is that so?"
-Uma o'Gil: "Yes that is so."
-Shay Keehy: "Oh how remarkable, ahem... 'many o'Gils about?"
-Uma: "Oh yes. Oh yes my friend" (voice drops an octave) "...we are legion."
-Shay Keehy, nervously straightening up his collar (gulp): "Er... fair play to yous! That's smashing news that, er... strength in numbers... Now then Uma, you were just mentioning making it onto the Urban Dictionary. Any idea who may have come up with a definition for the o'Gils ?"
-Uma: "Sorry? Huh? Can't hear you babes. Next question please!"
-Shay Keehy: "I was saying, this Urban Dictionary definition yoke, any idea who came u"
Feels the glare of Uma's eyes.
"Oh. Right. Moving on, so. Now, Uma, even yourself must have been startled by the triumphant success of "You Know Yourself 2.0": "The Guardian" called it -and here I quote- "a neo-post-deconstructionist smorgasbord for the Z-generation.0", "The Sun" said it was "an enthralling and at times deeply affecting double-take on bittersweet idiosyncrasies", "The Irish Independent" "like plunging your snout in a barrel -and coming up trumps with the apple", The "Osservatore Romano" "a welcome spanking of political correctness gone bad".
Is this something you expected at all? ...such accolades? such critical acclaim?"
-Uma: "Oh not at all, not at all Shay. I never dreamed of reaching such heights, I never thought for one moment I'd find myself in this place of places, it's just... it's just a scream. Like totally rad yeah. Well sweet and proper ace. See, some writers will tell you they only seek to express themselves like they strive to find their inner voice and give free rein to their imagination unburdened by any societal conventions but that's bollix. That's a load of old cock, Shay (forgive my French). At the end of the day, we all have our mortgage to pay! (Obviously, some of us have bigger houses than others heh heh but.) It's all about the money, dear boy!
In the end though, people seemed to like it; they responded to the book, critics and readers alike. They went right made for it. That was a boon to be honest ...felt like breaking the o'Gils curse in fact."
-Shay Keehy: "Aaah how wonderful... how inspiring. You've clearly led a charmed life underneath your -er...- assumed identity, Uma. But what about your work ethic? Your modus operandi? One can only wonder, how difficult was it for you to put on paper these tales of repeated public humiliation and sexual frustration?"
-Uma: "Hmm, not difficult at all I'd have to say -It all comes natural to me. Piece of cake, like, all in a day's work! Story, style, dialogues... I hardly ever correct myself, it all flows out of me. It all flows out of me trusted pen. I just switch it on and... away we go. Up, up and away! Oh aye, one line brings on another brings on another brings on another -I can write for hours, me! I emit novels like people emit gas after they've had their tea."
-Shay: "Fascinating. And what a delightful image this is... you sure know how to paint a picture with words. Pray tell Uma, how many novels have you produced so far then?"
-Uma: "One."
-Shay: "... And -Oh but I can see people already raising their hands, why not take a few questions from the floor and then we'll come back to our fascinating discussion later? Would you like that Uma?"
Uma drains her pint and belches politely behind her fist ("RROOOOOO!"). She would like that.
-Shay, half-turning towards the audience: "Yes? Young man in the front row with the anorak and the white socks. You've been trying to get my attention for some time now"
-Noel Stapleton: "I most certainly did."
-Shay, laughing: "You look like you're simply dying to ask Uma something, now here's your chance big boy -You go ahead."
-Noel Stapleton: "Gee, thanks a million Shay, 'long fecking last. Now then. Uma. ... Long time no see. So nice of you to finally come out eh. I s'pose I ought to let the cat out, I have a confession to make everyone. I've known Uma's identity for quite some time, in fact forever and yous know what? It doesn't diminish my admiration for her writings! Serious. Every time I read Uma I find a new reason to laugh."
-Uma: "Now then, now then Noel Stapleton"
-Noel Stapleton: "Oh sure I do, every time I read your stuff I find something right up with whatshisname, Flann o'Brien or Marian Keyes, "You Know Yourself"'s a proper goldmine of sorts, there's always something to catch your eye. Some observation... some unattributed quote... an accurate description maybe, or a vivid detail that jumps right off the page, an occasional touch of genius cheekily winking at us in-between the ball-breaking page-fillers."
-Uma:
"Hear! Hear!"
-Noel
Stapleton: "Now the thing is -funny, that- but many of these, many of your
elegantly crafted anecdotes, your insightful vignettes and so forth, they
remind me of someone else you know? Someone who would have filled you in"
-Uma: "??"
-Noel Stapleton: "and briefed you up about what's what and who's who, 'know who I mean yet? Someone who'd have explained these local expressions to your thick culchie head and I guess my question here, my question is...
Uma, in the light of your gracious borrowings for which I am deeply honoured, deeply honoured indeed, shouldn't I be entitled to a share of your royalties like? Eh? How d'you feel about that? Just a few thousands to help me change me boiler, that'd do me fine."
-Uma: "I, I... oh but you always had a wicked sense of humour Noel Stapleton, that's what I always liked about you, you're very caustic! Isn't he so Shay? Very caustic?"
-Shay: "Well I... I'm not quite sure I'm the right person to"
-Uma: "He's a very funny man is Noel Stapleton -Please everyone, let's give it up for Noel, big round of applause!"
Everybody looks at each other like someone's farted at a funeral and a few souls eventually oblige (they start clapping, that is). "Clap... clap... clap", Uma picks up energetically, sending her bingo wings flapping like nobody's business and soon enough everybody follows. Noel's protestations are drowned out.
-Noel: "Wait, wait / Don't you / You won't get away with it, you fat"
-Uma fixes Shay: "And I suppose, really, we should move on to the next question Shay, don't you agree?"
-Shay: "Er yes, if you so wish..."
-Uma, shielding her eyes from the spotlight: "And who do I spot there but this elegant gentleman in the second row. Yes, Sir, you meaning you. Do you have a question for me?"
-Kevin Whyte (for it is he!): "Oh?! Oh hello there... Yes. Yes I have a question for Uma. But first of all, may I just say what a pleasure it is -a pleasure as well as a joy- to have Uma with us tonight at the National Library. I honestly feel that Uma's contribution to modern Irish literature will leave no-one unmoved (mind you, probably for all sorts of reasons but...); in fact, pretty much like "Ulysses" or "PS I Love You", "You Know Yourself" is bound to keep scholars and critics in employ for a long long while."
-Audience: "Well said that, man!
-Uma: "??"
-Noel Stapleton: "and briefed you up about what's what and who's who, 'know who I mean yet? Someone who'd have explained these local expressions to your thick culchie head and I guess my question here, my question is...
Uma, in the light of your gracious borrowings for which I am deeply honoured, deeply honoured indeed, shouldn't I be entitled to a share of your royalties like? Eh? How d'you feel about that? Just a few thousands to help me change me boiler, that'd do me fine."
-Uma: "I, I... oh but you always had a wicked sense of humour Noel Stapleton, that's what I always liked about you, you're very caustic! Isn't he so Shay? Very caustic?"
-Shay: "Well I... I'm not quite sure I'm the right person to"
-Uma: "He's a very funny man is Noel Stapleton -Please everyone, let's give it up for Noel, big round of applause!"
Everybody looks at each other like someone's farted at a funeral and a few souls eventually oblige (they start clapping, that is). "Clap... clap... clap", Uma picks up energetically, sending her bingo wings flapping like nobody's business and soon enough everybody follows. Noel's protestations are drowned out.
-Noel: "Wait, wait / Don't you / You won't get away with it, you fat"
-Uma fixes Shay: "And I suppose, really, we should move on to the next question Shay, don't you agree?"
-Shay: "Er yes, if you so wish..."
-Uma, shielding her eyes from the spotlight: "And who do I spot there but this elegant gentleman in the second row. Yes, Sir, you meaning you. Do you have a question for me?"
-Kevin Whyte (for it is he!): "Oh?! Oh hello there... Yes. Yes I have a question for Uma. But first of all, may I just say what a pleasure it is -a pleasure as well as a joy- to have Uma with us tonight at the National Library. I honestly feel that Uma's contribution to modern Irish literature will leave no-one unmoved (mind you, probably for all sorts of reasons but...); in fact, pretty much like "Ulysses" or "PS I Love You", "You Know Yourself" is bound to keep scholars and critics in employ for a long long while."
-Audience: "Well said that, man!
Couldn't
agree more!
Always
thought that meself!
What's
he saying? Can't hear a thing!"
-Uma,
batting her eyelashes: "Surely you don't mean that, mysterious man I don't
even know..."
-Kevin Whyte: "And now to my question. Just the other night, back in the auld cottage, I suddenly fancied going over your book just one more time. What a grand night it instantly became! It was just me by the blazing chimney, "You Know Yourself", a nice twelve-year old Scotch, my pipe, a tab of acid, Melt Banana on the stereo, the dog and my moustache"
-Audience: "Get on with it!"
-Kevin Whyte: "I certainly had a whale of a time -and thanks to "You Know Yourself" too, not just with the whisky!- when suddenly I found myself wondering. I asked myself / here's my question." (pause) "I'd like to ask Uma... It is a matter of record that most writers develop their own writing routine -some get drunk first, some only use quills, some beat it out of their children, some actually drag their arses to the Library to do some fecking research- but what about you, Uma? When you get down to it, do you give your beaver away
(Eh?!? That can't be right, surely this is not right, 'must have jumped a line here, what bleeding handwriting is that anyway!! ... Ah, here we are!)
Writing routine then. When you get down to it, do you give yourself plenty of time and proceed by small instalments ...or do you wait until deadline looms large and beaver away? ((...phew, that was a close one))"
-Uma, excitedly clapping her hands against each other and sending bacon rinds in all directions: "Oh but what a tremendously interesting question! How so very insightful!" (she refuels on potato skins) "Now then... Now then young man. Since you're keen to know, let me tell you about my writing habits.
I usually get up at the crack of dawn. Two mugs of strong coffee, four semi-skinned croissants, two fried eggs (ketchup on the side, peanut butter), jam, rashers. Then a quick thirty minutes on the stepmachine -can't run anymore alas-, fifty press-ups, a hundred sit-ups, 'couple of strong brandies and here we go. I"
(goes on for a while)
"then"
(goes on for some more)
"Now I don't mean to blow me own trumpet but"
(...)
"in fact some of my very best friends"
(...)
"took one look at it -one- and went: "What a complete shower of""
(...)
"Salman was a total gas ticket though, 'kept tickling me and"
(...)
"-you want to make a metaphorical omelette, you have to crack egos!"
(...)
"the lord Buddha himself would have raised an eyebrow"
(...)
"and let me tell yous: Bloody hard work, it was!"
(...)
"...so in all honesty, if you ask me, I'd have to say "yes". Yes and no false modesty -it's only the last refuge of the coward, as my dear dear friend and true mentor Albert Einstein once said."
-Shay, picking biscuits crumbs off his scarf: "Did he? Wasn't he referring instead to"
-Uma: "Heloise Paul Fernando Barbara Etienne Daniel -all the money in the world couldn't buy back those days"
(...)
"I..."
(...)
"I"
(...)
"We're doomed! I tell thee, we're doomed!"
-Kevin Whyte: "And now to my question. Just the other night, back in the auld cottage, I suddenly fancied going over your book just one more time. What a grand night it instantly became! It was just me by the blazing chimney, "You Know Yourself", a nice twelve-year old Scotch, my pipe, a tab of acid, Melt Banana on the stereo, the dog and my moustache"
-Audience: "Get on with it!"
-Kevin Whyte: "I certainly had a whale of a time -and thanks to "You Know Yourself" too, not just with the whisky!- when suddenly I found myself wondering. I asked myself / here's my question." (pause) "I'd like to ask Uma... It is a matter of record that most writers develop their own writing routine -some get drunk first, some only use quills, some beat it out of their children, some actually drag their arses to the Library to do some fecking research- but what about you, Uma? When you get down to it, do you give your beaver away
(Eh?!? That can't be right, surely this is not right, 'must have jumped a line here, what bleeding handwriting is that anyway!! ... Ah, here we are!)
Writing routine then. When you get down to it, do you give yourself plenty of time and proceed by small instalments ...or do you wait until deadline looms large and beaver away? ((...phew, that was a close one))"
-Uma, excitedly clapping her hands against each other and sending bacon rinds in all directions: "Oh but what a tremendously interesting question! How so very insightful!" (she refuels on potato skins) "Now then... Now then young man. Since you're keen to know, let me tell you about my writing habits.
I usually get up at the crack of dawn. Two mugs of strong coffee, four semi-skinned croissants, two fried eggs (ketchup on the side, peanut butter), jam, rashers. Then a quick thirty minutes on the stepmachine -can't run anymore alas-, fifty press-ups, a hundred sit-ups, 'couple of strong brandies and here we go. I"
(goes on for a while)
"then"
(goes on for some more)
"Now I don't mean to blow me own trumpet but"
(...)
"in fact some of my very best friends"
(...)
"took one look at it -one- and went: "What a complete shower of""
(...)
"Salman was a total gas ticket though, 'kept tickling me and"
(...)
"-you want to make a metaphorical omelette, you have to crack egos!"
(...)
"the lord Buddha himself would have raised an eyebrow"
(...)
"and let me tell yous: Bloody hard work, it was!"
(...)
"...so in all honesty, if you ask me, I'd have to say "yes". Yes and no false modesty -it's only the last refuge of the coward, as my dear dear friend and true mentor Albert Einstein once said."
-Shay, picking biscuits crumbs off his scarf: "Did he? Wasn't he referring instead to"
-Uma: "Heloise Paul Fernando Barbara Etienne Daniel -all the money in the world couldn't buy back those days"
(...)
"I..."
(...)
"I"
(...)
"We're doomed! I tell thee, we're doomed!"
(...)
"The
rats double-crossed me! Just when I was waiting for my Happy Finish!"
(...)
(...)
"what"
(...)
"It's like your man said: when the going gets though, the"
(...)
"It's like your man said: when the going gets though, the"
(...)
"...get
going"
(...)
"the thrill of the chase! the texture of the skin! the girth of the"
(...)
"the"
(...)
"Ah
sure you can criticise the method, you can deride all you want -everyone's a
critic nowadays- but I bring my A-game to the table me, and don't you forget it
little bollix!"
(...)
"Oh
I don't know, some people take a seriously jaundiced view of comedy Shay, they
have to get all hoity-toity about it -It's only meant to be a bit of fun, you
know!"
(...)
"Whatever
floats your boat, horses for courses, me if it ain't stiff, I don't buy
it!"
(...)
"it's a double-edged process, how you re-contextualise it and re-insert it in the social sphere, you expose its fakeness by recycling the old Gestalt models and serving them up fresh to an unsuspecting audience, I personally find it a bit"
(...)
"it's a double-edged process, how you re-contextualise it and re-insert it in the social sphere, you expose its fakeness by recycling the old Gestalt models and serving them up fresh to an unsuspecting audience, I personally find it a bit"
(...)
"feck"
(...)
"I..."
(...)
"du hast mich gefragt, ich habe nichts gesagt -but you knew that already"
(...)
"Spinoza, Kierkegaard and Kylie Minogue. Nothing else."
(...)
"...finally I flip them over and it's down to the wire. Prudence be damned, my good man!"
-Shay Keehy, sitting up with a jerk: "Wow! Dead instructive that, dead er... well good yeah. Fascinating stuff from Uma I'm sure, and I think we can all learn a lot from her experience, top notch and no mistake. Thank you so much for sharing with us Uma, no doubt the gentleman will have enjoyed your..."
(looks for Kevin Whyte's approval)
(doesn't locate Kevin Whyte's approval)
"but let me check the time -Oh dear it appears we've seriously ran the clock down if we want to get more contributions from our lovely audience -Lovely audience, once more I turn to you, anyone else has any"
-Young lady's voice at the back, interrupting: "'Yes! Yes I have one!"
-Shay with a sigh: "Well I suppose... Go right ahead then, just don't mind me!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "'Evening Uma. Uma, I've got this friend of mine, right? She's like actually read your book yeah? She read it and she tells me there's like this recurring mention of someone called Aoife -usually with totally gross sexual overtones"
Uma uneasily lifts a buttock off her seat ("zzzzZap!" unpeels the leather), squints.
-Young lady's voice at the back: "in an overtly sexual context yeah. Now my question is: What the devil was that about?? Don't you think you should be like, a little more sensitive and respectful yeah? This Aoife character, don't you think you should maybe apologise to her, huh?"
-Uma: "Apologise? Absolutely not! Apologise for what?? This is simply preposterous -For one thing, I've never even met any Aoife!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "Oh you haven't have you? Are you telling us you've never met any Aoife? Methinks the lady doth protest too much yeah! Don't you think it's about time you should come clean and maybe apologise? Show some manners, like?"
-Uma: "Manners? I have manners! My manners are like top fecking drawer I'll have you know! I have manners coming out of me ears like I don't know what to do with them! Besides I would never dreeeeam of offending anyone!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "Oh yeah? Is that so, really...? So why do you insist on using that particular name for all your like... totally degrading and completely disrespectful little digs yeah? 'Think it's funny, Uma? 'Seriously imagined noone's noticed your game? 'Want me to quote them back to you? Here, let me oblige -Definition of nice little ride"
-Uma, leaning forward: "Aoife darling, is that you? ('Can't see shit with these bleeding lights on!)"
-Shay Keehy, fidgeting: "Hmm, well, maybe we should move on, we're running out of time -Anyone else 'got any question?"
-Leanne Hart, standing up: "Me, me! Pick me up Mister!"
-Shay Keehy: "You go ahead."
-Leanne Hart: "Thanks a million. Yeah (hi), 'd just like to say, I'm actually name-checked in the book yeah? for which I'm like totally grateful and all"
-Uma, looking relieved: "Ah young Leanne, so nice to see you again, always a pleasure, but that's quite alright my child, no need to thank me, really you shouldn't have"
-Leanne Hart: "...'xcept my name is spelled wrong throughout. Told you before dinnt I, is it so hard to remember?? It's "Harte"! "Harte" with an "e"!!"
-Uma: "Oh. Oops. Er... Shall tell the publisher, 'promise, will be corrected before the next reprint. Nothing to do with me."
-Leanne Harte: "Thank you kindly."
-Uma: "Right so. Hmm.... anything else I may help you with, Leanne?"
-Leanne Harte: "That will be all, thank you; my album's still available by the way, people can contact me through MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/leannehartemusic. Thanks a million."
-Shay Keehy, now looking lost: "Right you are er, thanks for your contribution. Anyone else with a question for Uma? ...or a message, even?"
-Noel Stapleton: "Funny you should ask Shay, I'm still waiting for a reply. So what about me royalties Uma? what about them?"
-Uma: "Well I -now wait a second here, wait a second, what makes you think- I get inspired by all sorts of things me! The beatific smile of a chubby cherub... dew drops on a rose petal... a rainbow in the arctic hills of Sligo... the simple smell of a fat joint... so what makes you think I'd need to borrow from you? What kind of a cock-and-bull story is that! May I suggest you are being delusional my good man, you got me wrong! I get my working material from everywhere, me, not just from you! Anything goes, any source will do!
I'll let yous in on a big secret everyone, how I actually go about it... it's simplicity itself. I listen ... and I watch -That's it! That's the secret! That's how I work!
Whether it's genial Pat Kenny on the telly or heart-warming Gerry Ryan on the radio, I'm always on the look-out for homegrown good cheer, notepad at the ready! There, I said it! I'm always sponging off these twin pillocks of Irish culture! (Hmm, these twin pillars even.) So there you have it, Stapleton man, it's like I said, simplicity itself, all I need is a working TV and radio and here we go, a couple of newspapers maybe (sometime Irish ones, too)."
Noel Stapleton looks humbled under the assault.
But not for long.
-"I see. Is that a "yes" then?"
-Shay: "I'm sorry -What was the question again?"
-Noel Stapleton: "Me royalties! Where are me royalties!"
Uma shrugs her shoulders like they do across the English Channel and takes refuge behind a healthy spray of Snowy Aurora graciously provided by the Library (only Euros 49.99 at Brown Thomas, Pounds 33 in the UK). Shay goes reeling under the aroma and tears roll down his rugged face.
As if roused by the intoxicating flagrance, the audience suddenly starts firing off, left right and centre.
-"So does that mean you will or you won't?"
-"Apologise, you swine!"
-"Hey Miss o'Gil, can you send a massive shout-out to Wazza, Bozzo and Mary-Bernadette from Jez? That'd be only massive!"
-"Aoifes aren't just for Christmas you know! They have feelings, just like yourself!"
-"How come everybody seems to get a mention but me?"
-"Uma Uma Uma, where - did - you - get - these - shoes?"
-"Free Winona Ryder!"
-"I've got a question: Why aren't you funny anymore?"
-"Uma dearest, is it true no agent wanted to take you on? I'll tell you what darling, let me represent you! Would you like that, huh? Would you like me to represent you?"
-"Forgive me but I didn't get the ending at all, so who dunnit then? Who cops off with who?"
-"Hang on, I'm real confused here... so this isn't the genealogy department? See, I come from Texas-USA yo 'all and what happened is, my great-great-great-great grandfather shipped out to our great country all the way from Ireland-UK in the"
-"I'll only take fifteen percent!"
-"Take me I'm yours (we'll never have this chance again)!"
-"Twelve!"
-"Me too me too, that's what I've heard! When you got started, right? is it true you like totally struggled? Is it? How many rejection letters did you get from publishers Uma? Was it twenty? thirty?"
-"I'll only take ten percent!"
-"Excuse me but what has it got to do with anything??"
-"Forty? Fifty?"
-"Me royalties! I want me royalties!"
-"Harte with an "e" -And you 'better remember it numbskull!"
-"Wait a minute wait a minute, I was under the impression this was supposed to be a Mills and Boon -Where is the love?"
-Director of the NLI, jumping out of his seat somewhat hurriedly:
"I..."
(...)
"du hast mich gefragt, ich habe nichts gesagt -but you knew that already"
(...)
"Spinoza, Kierkegaard and Kylie Minogue. Nothing else."
(...)
"...finally I flip them over and it's down to the wire. Prudence be damned, my good man!"
-Shay Keehy, sitting up with a jerk: "Wow! Dead instructive that, dead er... well good yeah. Fascinating stuff from Uma I'm sure, and I think we can all learn a lot from her experience, top notch and no mistake. Thank you so much for sharing with us Uma, no doubt the gentleman will have enjoyed your..."
(looks for Kevin Whyte's approval)
(doesn't locate Kevin Whyte's approval)
"but let me check the time -Oh dear it appears we've seriously ran the clock down if we want to get more contributions from our lovely audience -Lovely audience, once more I turn to you, anyone else has any"
-Young lady's voice at the back, interrupting: "'Yes! Yes I have one!"
-Shay with a sigh: "Well I suppose... Go right ahead then, just don't mind me!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "'Evening Uma. Uma, I've got this friend of mine, right? She's like actually read your book yeah? She read it and she tells me there's like this recurring mention of someone called Aoife -usually with totally gross sexual overtones"
Uma uneasily lifts a buttock off her seat ("zzzzZap!" unpeels the leather), squints.
-Young lady's voice at the back: "in an overtly sexual context yeah. Now my question is: What the devil was that about?? Don't you think you should be like, a little more sensitive and respectful yeah? This Aoife character, don't you think you should maybe apologise to her, huh?"
-Uma: "Apologise? Absolutely not! Apologise for what?? This is simply preposterous -For one thing, I've never even met any Aoife!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "Oh you haven't have you? Are you telling us you've never met any Aoife? Methinks the lady doth protest too much yeah! Don't you think it's about time you should come clean and maybe apologise? Show some manners, like?"
-Uma: "Manners? I have manners! My manners are like top fecking drawer I'll have you know! I have manners coming out of me ears like I don't know what to do with them! Besides I would never dreeeeam of offending anyone!"
-Young lady's voice at the back: "Oh yeah? Is that so, really...? So why do you insist on using that particular name for all your like... totally degrading and completely disrespectful little digs yeah? 'Think it's funny, Uma? 'Seriously imagined noone's noticed your game? 'Want me to quote them back to you? Here, let me oblige -Definition of nice little ride"
-Uma, leaning forward: "Aoife darling, is that you? ('Can't see shit with these bleeding lights on!)"
-Shay Keehy, fidgeting: "Hmm, well, maybe we should move on, we're running out of time -Anyone else 'got any question?"
-Leanne Hart, standing up: "Me, me! Pick me up Mister!"
-Shay Keehy: "You go ahead."
-Leanne Hart: "Thanks a million. Yeah (hi), 'd just like to say, I'm actually name-checked in the book yeah? for which I'm like totally grateful and all"
-Uma, looking relieved: "Ah young Leanne, so nice to see you again, always a pleasure, but that's quite alright my child, no need to thank me, really you shouldn't have"
-Leanne Hart: "...'xcept my name is spelled wrong throughout. Told you before dinnt I, is it so hard to remember?? It's "Harte"! "Harte" with an "e"!!"
-Uma: "Oh. Oops. Er... Shall tell the publisher, 'promise, will be corrected before the next reprint. Nothing to do with me."
-Leanne Harte: "Thank you kindly."
-Uma: "Right so. Hmm.... anything else I may help you with, Leanne?"
-Leanne Harte: "That will be all, thank you; my album's still available by the way, people can contact me through MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/leannehartemusic. Thanks a million."
-Shay Keehy, now looking lost: "Right you are er, thanks for your contribution. Anyone else with a question for Uma? ...or a message, even?"
-Noel Stapleton: "Funny you should ask Shay, I'm still waiting for a reply. So what about me royalties Uma? what about them?"
-Uma: "Well I -now wait a second here, wait a second, what makes you think- I get inspired by all sorts of things me! The beatific smile of a chubby cherub... dew drops on a rose petal... a rainbow in the arctic hills of Sligo... the simple smell of a fat joint... so what makes you think I'd need to borrow from you? What kind of a cock-and-bull story is that! May I suggest you are being delusional my good man, you got me wrong! I get my working material from everywhere, me, not just from you! Anything goes, any source will do!
I'll let yous in on a big secret everyone, how I actually go about it... it's simplicity itself. I listen ... and I watch -That's it! That's the secret! That's how I work!
Whether it's genial Pat Kenny on the telly or heart-warming Gerry Ryan on the radio, I'm always on the look-out for homegrown good cheer, notepad at the ready! There, I said it! I'm always sponging off these twin pillocks of Irish culture! (Hmm, these twin pillars even.) So there you have it, Stapleton man, it's like I said, simplicity itself, all I need is a working TV and radio and here we go, a couple of newspapers maybe (sometime Irish ones, too)."
Noel Stapleton looks humbled under the assault.
But not for long.
-"I see. Is that a "yes" then?"
-Shay: "I'm sorry -What was the question again?"
-Noel Stapleton: "Me royalties! Where are me royalties!"
Uma shrugs her shoulders like they do across the English Channel and takes refuge behind a healthy spray of Snowy Aurora graciously provided by the Library (only Euros 49.99 at Brown Thomas, Pounds 33 in the UK). Shay goes reeling under the aroma and tears roll down his rugged face.
As if roused by the intoxicating flagrance, the audience suddenly starts firing off, left right and centre.
-"So does that mean you will or you won't?"
-"Apologise, you swine!"
-"Hey Miss o'Gil, can you send a massive shout-out to Wazza, Bozzo and Mary-Bernadette from Jez? That'd be only massive!"
-"Aoifes aren't just for Christmas you know! They have feelings, just like yourself!"
-"How come everybody seems to get a mention but me?"
-"Uma Uma Uma, where - did - you - get - these - shoes?"
-"Free Winona Ryder!"
-"I've got a question: Why aren't you funny anymore?"
-"Uma dearest, is it true no agent wanted to take you on? I'll tell you what darling, let me represent you! Would you like that, huh? Would you like me to represent you?"
-"Forgive me but I didn't get the ending at all, so who dunnit then? Who cops off with who?"
-"Hang on, I'm real confused here... so this isn't the genealogy department? See, I come from Texas-USA yo 'all and what happened is, my great-great-great-great grandfather shipped out to our great country all the way from Ireland-UK in the"
-"I'll only take fifteen percent!"
-"Take me I'm yours (we'll never have this chance again)!"
-"Twelve!"
-"Me too me too, that's what I've heard! When you got started, right? is it true you like totally struggled? Is it? How many rejection letters did you get from publishers Uma? Was it twenty? thirty?"
-"I'll only take ten percent!"
-"Excuse me but what has it got to do with anything??"
-"Forty? Fifty?"
-"Me royalties! I want me royalties!"
-"Harte with an "e" -And you 'better remember it numbskull!"
-"Wait a minute wait a minute, I was under the impression this was supposed to be a Mills and Boon -Where is the love?"
-Director of the NLI, jumping out of his seat somewhat hurriedly:
"Alright
alright! Can I have your attention please! I'm afraid it's all we have time for
tonight so thanks again to our special guests Shay Kheehy" (takes a low
bow) "and Uma o'Gil." (quick nod here) "Thank yous ever so much
for a thoroughly stimulating evening, thoroughly stimulating which -I daresay-
was most thought-provoking oh yes, most thought-provoking and, hmmm, not a
little memorable I suspect...
Sadly it's come to an end and we must get rid of yous. So let me invite yous all to a quick glass upstairs, a quick glass which -I think is fair to say- we can all do with. That's it for tonight, this interview is now over. It is over, people! Finished! Nope, nope, no need to insist, no pushing, it is over, Uma has pretty much left the building so scram! Scram! Security! Can we have some security here? Watch it sonny, shoving me won't get you nowhere you little bollix, I know kung-fu! Seriously though people, it is over, Uma is off-limit, capisce? She's off duty! Yous've had your chance and now she's off! See, she's already zipped up ready to go! So off yous go now, yous do the same, pick up your coats and off we go! That's right, out out out, this way to the door, come on let's get cracking, I haven't got all night, here we go there's a good girl, you mind the step now, good man yourself! Quick quick! Better get a move on or else there won't be any plonk left -Didn't think of that did you? so off you go! That's right, there's a good boy... shush!
And as for you, yes, you... Don't you ever darken our frontdoor again or else there'll be murder why you little" (transcript runs out of tape.)
Sadly it's come to an end and we must get rid of yous. So let me invite yous all to a quick glass upstairs, a quick glass which -I think is fair to say- we can all do with. That's it for tonight, this interview is now over. It is over, people! Finished! Nope, nope, no need to insist, no pushing, it is over, Uma has pretty much left the building so scram! Scram! Security! Can we have some security here? Watch it sonny, shoving me won't get you nowhere you little bollix, I know kung-fu! Seriously though people, it is over, Uma is off-limit, capisce? She's off duty! Yous've had your chance and now she's off! See, she's already zipped up ready to go! So off yous go now, yous do the same, pick up your coats and off we go! That's right, out out out, this way to the door, come on let's get cracking, I haven't got all night, here we go there's a good girl, you mind the step now, good man yourself! Quick quick! Better get a move on or else there won't be any plonk left -Didn't think of that did you? so off you go! That's right, there's a good boy... shush!
And as for you, yes, you... Don't you ever darken our frontdoor again or else there'll be murder why you little" (transcript runs out of tape.)
Treat
your dear old Ma to a relaxing break and take her to a voyage of Celtic
discovery! Sign her up for a guided tour of "YKY2.0" locations and
rediscover the magic that kept a generation enthralled, marvel at the accuracy
of Uma's descriptions and retrace the footsteps of your favourite character
(that will be Lily, presumably), do it now! Go to www.DubTourUma.ie and select your preferred date (rashers and
cocktails not included).
Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment